Tattoos behind bars

While waiting on the number 6 bus yesterday morning, An older man wearing a matching tan shirt and pants came up to the bus stop. He was using a cane. He looked to be in his mid 70's. At first, we just nodded our cursory hellos. But, his arm and neck and some of his face were completely covered by tattoos. Now, I'm kinda creeped out by body "art". Have never responded positively to it. But, recently, I've tried to overcome my trepidation by asking folks about the marks all over their arms. They seem to like to talk about them. So, I said to him, "can you tell me a little about your tattoos? I've never seen so many on one person". And he said, "Well, I got 'em in the joint. I was in prison for 39 years. Just got out a month ago". "How does it feel to be free?", I asked. He told me he's had some trouble having to go live at a halfway house and dealing with the men who continue to choose to live their lives by dealing drugs and committing petty crimes, despite the fact they are no longer incarcerated. He has found another place to stay, part time, with an easier way of life.

We got back to the subject of his tattoos - they were not the most artfully rendered I had ever seen. He told me about an invention prisoners had come up with, involving an old tape cassette recorder. They dismantle part of it, use the motors and hookedthem up to ink pens. Apparently, they work very similarly to how a professional tattoo "gun" (don't know what they're called) works. He told me his ENTIRE body was covered in art and that they were his way of expressing his individuality behind bars. Let me tell you, he did look fierce. Must have been a scary mother in the joint who wouldn't be messed with. Turns out he got into quite a lot of fights and his parole was denied several times, accordingly.

His manner was somewhat sweet, but matter-of-fact with me, as I sat in the grass in the shade next to the bus sign. I asked if the tattoos hurt and he explained that the only ones that really hurt were the ones on his sternum, as this is the place in the body where all of the nerves and muscles came together. (I don't know if that's true, but it sure explains why I was in such agony after my open-heart surgery!). Maybe nobody had ever asked him these questions without judgement, before. To be truthful, I don't know if I was judging him or not. I just wanted to know about him. And then, he told me his age. He was 58 years old!!! This means he went into prison when he was 19 - almost an entire life spent in jail. I thought about the movie, "The Shawshank Redemption" and about the librarian character, old man, Brooks, who was finally released but could not handle life on the outside and wound up hanging himself under the words "Brooks Was Here" scratched on the ceiling beam.

I never got the name of the former inmate I spoke with, but then, he told me he had blood clots in his legs and was having difficulty walking - was taking aspirin to thin the blood. Well, then, I had a story to tell him, about my recent hospitalization, etc. I told him I was going to the county social services to try and get the medical bill reduced. At that point, he became almost fatherly in his advice and made sure I got on the correct number 2 bus, after I transferred and insisted that I pull the cord after the bus rounded the corner from Wells to 9th to make sure I got off at the correct stop.

We sat near each other on number 6 ride - my turn to talk, this time, describing the bizarre journey I had been on this past year (frankly - I'm sick of telling that story and am ready for a new one!) and he listened attentively. Once we reached our transfer point, he lead me across the street to the correct location for the #2 bus. All I said was "Thank you, sir", at the end.

Than I wondered when the last time was he had been called "sir" and I wished him well.

Hospital Bill - Vanished!

It was a VERY long day. Finding the bus stop, lots of walking and making sure I transferred to the correct route to take me to the County Social Services office. They pushed up my meeting 23 days - to today, to show all of my financial information so I could have my 43 Thousand Dollar hospital bill reduced.

I arrived way too early, not knowing how the buses work in this town. Ended up walking up and down the long and narrow building and taking a rest on a circular bench for a while. Finally met with my case manager, who looked very carefully at my bank and unemployment statements, the bill of sale of my car, and some statements from Michelle, documenting my time living in her house and a utility bill. Ellen, the case worker, did some number crunching, scanned all of my papers and took my ID and asked some questions about my monthly bills, etc.

And then she said: "We are going to pay your bill"!!!!!!!!!!!!! "Now, this does not include attending physicians and radiology. Those, you will have to make arrangements for on your own, but fax them the form from us and tell them your circumstances and they MAY be able to work with you".

Such a relief, I can't tell you. Today was the hottest day since I've been here, 99 degrees and I was outside (under a traveling umbrella) for a good portion of the afternoon, so I am BEAT. I am going to wait until Monday to start working on the other bills and just collapse tonight.

What a day. Thank God!!!!!!!!!

Just Got the Preliminary Medical Bill

You don't want to know how much the bill is. I don't want to know. Hey, it's more than I owe for college tuition.

Apparently, I spent nearly an entire day in Intensive Care. I had no idea. Guess that's what they call the place where the ambulance brings you. There were a lot of monitors but it was not nearly as elaborate as the cardiac ICU when I had my open heart surgery. Lots of folks milling about - lights, beeping, doctors grimacing and shaking their head at the foot of my bed. Rolling down the hall to cat scan and x-ray machines, back to the room with all the monitors. Guess that's ICU.

Tomorrow I meet with the county and show them exactly how much money I have. I sure hope they rule in my favor. I don't know what the heck I'm going to do. And, yet again, I'll have to do it alone. Times like these I really wish I had a husband. Or just a hand to hold. Or a pair of strong arms encircling me. Or a hug.

And in One Day, Car is Sold

Couldn't believe it. Despite his hesitation and the flaws of my car, Steve sold it tonight to a nice man named Dave, for his daughter. And Steve made the profit I'd hoped he would. We did a bill of sale and except for the title, the car is now legally in the hands of Dave, who's going to fix it up.

Also tonight, made airline reservations to go back to my old hometown. Gulp. Harrisburg. I know. Had to make the reservation tonight because airfares are jumping up again for kids returning to school. Things are in motion. Wow. So fast.

My blood levels are not yet stable. Hopefully I will find a place to get INR tests cheaply. My back is still spastic but praying, oh dear angels help, that it will normalize soon.

Things are in motion.

It is All I Had - And it Isn't Even Worth Much

Went outside this hot July afternoon after a nap and found Steve next to my 99 Sentra, cleaning out the rest of my car. He took off my KUOW and "Corporations Are Not The People" bumper stickers, as well as the one that said "Purr More, Hiss Less". He did a great job, the car hasn't looked this good in 4 or 5 years.

But, he didn't have a happy expression on his face. He's worried about the clutch (which was always a little tricky but has worked fine for me since I bought it) He thinks there might be the beginning of a hole in the floorboard and he said the engine sounds ticky. I told him it definitely needs an oil change. I can tell he is concerned. I thought that I was giving him a good deal on a very reliable car that he could either sell for twice the price or use for another 6 or 8 years.

Maybe some new floor mats will solve the problem with the floorboard. I could never use them because my size 13's would always bunch them up under the gas or brake pedal making driving dangerous. The clutch took me months to get used to, back in 2002 when I bought it - but now I never have a problem. And yeah, it does need that oil change.

But, I burst into tears. The one thing left that I own, my little car that I can no longer drive, isn't worth much. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't help myself. It is all I have left. We threw out most of the stuff inside, except for the first-aid kit and jumper cables and a towel. Without a home, my trunk became a place for storage. A lot of the frivolous things like candles, colored markers, a 'space blanket' inside were from my trip to the desert last summer. It is best that Steve did most of the discarding. I was too attached.

But it makes it seem like this 50-year old life has not been worth much at all and I'm trying to "trust the Universe" but lets face it - I feel like shit.

Lower Back Pain Exercises

Found these online. I'm going to try and follow them. Hope they work. No, THEY WILL WORK!!!!

SPECIFIC EXERCISES FOR LOW BACK STRENGTH
Perform the following exercises at least three times a week:
Partial Sit-ups. Partial sit-ups or crunches strengthen the abdominal muscles.
Keep the knees bent and the lower back flat on the floor while raising the shoulders up 3 - 6 inches.
Exhale on the way up, and inhale on the way down.
Perform this exercise slowly 8 - 10 times with the arms across the chest.

Pelvic Tilt. The pelvic tilt alleviates tight or fatigued lower back muscles.
Lie on the back with the knees bent and feet flat on the floor.
Tighten the buttocks and abdomen so that they tip up slightly.
Press the lower back to the floor, hold for one second, and then relax.
Be sure to breathe evenly.
Over time increase this exercise until it is held for 5 seconds. Then, extend the legs a little more so that the feet are further away from the body and try it again.

Stretching Lower-Back Muscles. The following are three exercises for stretching the lower back:
Lie on the back with knees bent and legs together. Keeping arms at the sides, slowly roll the knees over to one side until totally relaxed. Hold this position for about 20 seconds (while breathing evenly) and then repeat on the other side.
Lying on the back, hold one knee and pull it gently toward the chest. Hold for 20 seconds. Repeat with the other knee.

While supported on hands and knees, lift and straighten right hand and left leg at the same time. Hold for 3 seconds while tightening the abdominal muscles. The back should be straight. Alternate with the other arm and leg and repeat on each side 8 - 20 times.

Note: No one with low back pain should perform exercises that require bending over right after getting up in the morning. At that time, the disks are more fluid-filled and more vulnerable to pressure from this movement.

Wow. Living with Mother

It appears that I'm going to have to live with my mother for the first few months of my life back in Harrisburg. This is not like living with somebody else's mother, believe me. Crusty? Yeah, that's a good word for her. Formidable might be a better word. I know she loves me. She has even said that she wants me to live with her as I heal from my latest hospital stay. But, mother (and I) have lived alone for about 25 years. We're set in our ways. She has her life and I have ..... well, I'm trying to regain mine.

I will not have a car, initially, when I move back into her house. She lives in a suburb without bus access. She will have control of the transportation. She wants to drive me to work and pick me up in the evenings. Her memories are of dropping her children off at high school. Perhaps those were good memories for her. I am thankful that she would like to help me in this way, until I can afford a car that will be healthier for my back.

Maybe God is orchestrating this reunion so mother and I can regain our relationship. We barely talk on the phone. One time I sneezed into the receiver, accidentally, and she screamed at me, accusing me of doing it on purpose. This is common behavior for her. Yet, Linda says she has mellowed a little in the passing years.

I wonder if there is any way to negotiate a calmer, more respectful relationship with this daunting Italian woman. Will I become stronger or merely cower in the corner, like I did as a child.

Perhaps my stay will help give mother purpose in her life for a little while? That is the best we can hope for. Give her purpose and heal our relationship. Pray for us?

OK - What to do next?

The car - I'm going to have to sell it. My body is not able to make the trip - hip and thigh can no longer bend in the driving position for long periods of time. Steve may buy my car (for about 1/2 its value) and sell it - he deserves the profit, after everything he and Michelle have done for me. Duplicate car title is being sent to Nevada in several weeks.

The flight back to PA. Hoping Steve can help set that up for a reasonable price.

The apartment ... asking around, will be working for a property management place but I need a safe, small-ish and cute place for between $450 and $500 I think. Any Harrisburgians with any ideas on this? Pennbrook would be the easiest neighborhood for the commute, if I don't have a car.

Need to figure out how to get my few belongings back to the Keystone State for the cheapest price. Perhaps I could ship my duffle bag full of stuff via Greyhound a few days before I leave? That will leave me with a suitcase and small backpack.

Many more things to think of and to coordinate. Any ideas or help, please write me a comment. Thanks so much.

Still don't know what's going to happen with the medical bills etc.

Terrified

You know what, guys? I am so terrified right now. I have been offered a job in Harrisburg, my old hometown, by an old school friend. He's being really, really kind and generous to offer me this position and I am so thankful and grateful for it.

But I'm scared. I have been through so damn much this past year, especially, and I'm just trying to calm down and see the good in all of it. I've just been out of the hospital for a few days, am trying to get my blood levels stable on blood thinners, have been living for far too long on the generosity of friends and I am so ready to stop sponging off of people and make my own way. Like I used to.

So, I'm just writing this little blog to tell the universe that I'm trying to trust you. I'm trying. I'm THRILLED to have been offered a job, believe me. No guarantees that it will work out. No guarantees in anything in this life. Thank you God for all of the blessings and gifts I have been given.

Is it ok to be thankful but still terrified?

Out of the Hospital

Those were the longest 6 days of my life. I swear. I had no window to look out of. Had no idea where I was, logistically, in Reno. Thank goodness somebody had installed lovely photos of springtime trees and a blue sky above my bed. At least I had that. Loneliest days of my life, too. I broke down into tears when an old friend of my father's stopped by for about 5 minutes and handed me $100. It was almost as if my dad, himself, came by for a few. Paulette, dad's 3rd wife, Juanita's daughter, set it up. She was an angel and I can't thank her enough for that.

About a week before I called the paramedics to take me to the ER, I kept saying to my sister Linda (and also my friend, Angela) that I need to go to the hospital. I didn't know why. I thought it was just because I was depressed. I had no idea that life-threatening blood clots had made their way into my lungs. I did know that I had no energy and could barely make it down the stairs. I fell to the floor twice in the shower, didn't have the strength to bathe. I had no idea why. Sure my back hurt like hell but it was much worse than before.

My doctor at the hospital was bizarre. Reminded me of "Dr. Spaceman" on the TV show 30 Rock. Talked a lot of gibberish. I think he was trying to be funny or something. The nurses were very young - all under 30 years old. The nursing assistants (who took blood pressure and helped bathe me and stuff) were generally older - and mostly very, very kind women. It was difficult listening to my room mate Cathy Ann moan at night and I'm sure she didn't appreciate my tears, either. What could we do? Alone, in pain, our bodies out of our control. She was there for liver disease - alcohol related. She had a lot of friends and acquaintances visit her side of the room. Steve and Michelle were able to take time out from their busy schedules to visit me a couple of times and I'm so thankful for their support and the fact that they brought me the computer. Cathy kept that TV turned on all the time. Luckily, the sound volume was pretty low. I had to keep asking the nursing assistants to move the curtain so I couldn't see the flashing lights of the screen. So distracting.

The food - dear God, they had me on a renal (kidney problem) diet because when I was admitted, my fluid intake was pretty low. I never want to go to the hospital again, OK? NEVER NEVER NEVER want to be a patient. 2 times in 3 years is way too much.

Finally, Michelle deserves so many thanks for helping me during the discharge. We got my medical records rather easily, but the nurses screwed up and did not send my meds (that I came into the ER with) to the pharmacy, like they were supposed to. Michelle also pushed me all over the hospital. Strong woman, for such a small person. I wish her much good luck and happiness in life.

I am so glad I am out of there.

So Lonely

Try to be brave. Try to be strong. Try to think positive thoughts.
God, I'm so lonely. This is worse than when I had open heart surgery. At least Lisa was with me and I had visitors. Here I am in this town and only know 3 people. And I have to be in bed all day. I keep praying I'll get better. I guess my lungs are getting stronger and they finally took that MRI on my back but no results just yet. "Trust in the process of life - that everything is moving towards the highest good. I have everything that I need and I am safe". I think those words over and over and then dose off to sleep. I have no idea what is next for me in life, if anything.

Today I signed a living will and did power of attorney paperwork. Linda will tell them to pull the plug, if need be. Figured Lisa has had enough of my burdens for a while. If they can't find her, I've told them to call Steve. Hope he doesn't mind. I asked to be cremated and have my ashes either kept by the family or strewn in the Puget Sound. Guess somebody's gotta make these decisions.

I had dreamed that by this time this year, I would have love. True love. Perhaps I lived in my head too long or made all the wrong moves. Perhaps I made too many wrong turns or was too stubborn in my life. Perhaps everything is going perfectly to plan and all of this will lead to something so wonderful I can't even fathom it?

Things are looking up???

OK Found out who my Dr. is - Dr. Math. They found an additional blood clot in my LEFT leg - all of the pain is in my right leg and sciatica. He promises to schedule an MRI for tomorrow. FINALLY!!!! I will not be allowed to have any kind of surgery more invasive than a haircut while I'm on blood thinners and may have to stay on Kumaden for 6 months or so. At least now we know...He asked if I'd taken any long drives lately. So, I was right about my long drive leading up to the back pain. Just had no idea about the blood clots. Good thing I wasn't walking around much or more of them would have broken off.

Don't keep me alive by science

They don't make it easy here to write a 'living will'. I have just jotted a letter saying I don't want to be kept on life support if they can't resuscitate me. Only resuscitate me once and then, if it doesn't work, just let me go, OK? Y'all are my witnesses on this. Date July 12, 2011, time 4:48pm Pacific.

do they have any idea????

still typing with fingers and hands with tubes on them.

So, doctors are positive a massive blood clot passed THROUGH my heart, probably from my leg and into my lungs. They are waiting for the one giant clot to break up. I am still waiting for ultra sound to find clots in my right leg, which one of the doctors says is more swollen than the left leg. He says they might not find a clot in there, that it may have already passed upwards. But, I'm having a hard time communicating with doctors. They are finding me anxious and difficult to deal with. All I want are answers to questions and for them to consider other options. I'm not being difficult!!!!

I wonder if this is the end of my life or a new beginning?

Hard typing with tubes on your hands

fMy right hand has a clear tube with a blood thinning solution seeping through it. My left index finger has some sort of monitor attached and my left wrist has a lot of puncture wounds covered by gauze. Blood clots of all things. In my lungs - one "massive" clot and several other smaller ones. And I originally called thee paramedics because my sciatic nerve pain down the back of my left leg has not healed and I could not even move off of the floor.

There's a lot to process - More larer

I need help

This post is not going to get me a job. I am in dire straits. I have been taking the small steps I can, in order to help myself: Started attending CSL. Took a class in the EFT tapping technique to help reduce anxiety. Was taken to the emergency room to get anxiety and anti-depressant meds. Got into the state system to get these medicines for free, due to my impoverished state. Started feeling better. But, when I went for a drive, my back went out again and I am once again in very bad pain. Have gone to the chiropractor. Even went to an acupuncturist who did not help - he said I needed an MRI before he could get to the root of the problem, which may be bulging discs 4 and 5. I cannot afford an MRI - I have called many, many places - free clinics cannot help. They do not have the equipment.

Too much has happened in too short of a time. Last year, perhaps I did go "manic", as Dr. Cohen said. All I know is that after losing 2 jobs and a place to live, I kept getting progressively sicker and sicker, coughing, body swelling up in my hands and legs, even more. I heard a voice scream inside my head saying that it was mold and that I had to get to the desert. Which I did. When I got back, Lisa generously took me back in. But, I was unable to concentrate and could not find a job. After 6 months, the threw me out I had become too much for her. I went to Eireen and Phil's for a couple of days and then, Steve and Michelle generously allowed me to stay with them. It has been over 4 months now. I have been applying for jobs constantly and only have had 2 interviews - both unsuccessful. I have had my mental and physical health deteriorate. They did not sign up for this, for sure. This was just supposed to be a temporary place to stay until I got back up on my feet. But, it seems that I keep falling down. They have been very, very kind to me but I do not want to lose our friendship.

Today, I wanted to try and take further control of my situation, so I drove to the community clinic "HAWC" - when I got to the financial intake room, my back went into spasm and I was wheeled to a dr's office. They put me in a wheel chair and I waited and filled out papers, mostly by kneeling on the floor. They wanted me to go on Prednisone steroid packs but after checking with Linda and Angela, who both screamed "NO!!!!" I was put on muscle relaxants and a super kind of anti-anflamitory drug. I feel like a zombie - a drug addict. The pain i less, however. Lord - help me out of this, please!

I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go. I fear I may soon be out on the streets. I need serious help. Fast.