Cats and Cancer

After being in my new apartment for about 20 days, I figured it was time to start looking for a kitty to share my space. I went to the local PAWS place, but just didn't make any connections. All of the cats seemed distant and uninteresting. Then, I traveled 20 miles down the road to a smelly, small shelter, and even though I wanted a new baby over a year old, I fell in love with a sleek, black, 7-month old boy. I think it is his purr. The loudest rumbling sound that brings me a lot of peace and happiness. Plus, he let me hold him like a baby - flipped over onto his back - with my hand in his tummy. A week later I brought him home and named him Purrcival - Purrcy, for short. We play earplug soccer every morning and night. I wear blue earplugs, many nights, when I sleep. Sometimes they fall out in the middle of the night, and that's how Purrcival found them, initially. I saw him batting one around and our game was born. I flick 7 or 8 of them, one-by-one in his direction, and he catches, blocks, or chases them. Or sometimes he watches them fly over his head and rolls on to his back. You know, as cats like to do.

I have a kitty, FINALLY. My anxiety is much better when I can hold and pet him. That is, until recently, when I noticed a problem, sought out a doctor, and was told my endometrial cancer has returned. Even without a uterus anymore. Some of the tissue remained, and floated down to the top of my cervix and started to multiply into a tumor. They can't get rid of it with surgery. This time, they will shoot beams of radiation into me to shrink or break up the tumor. My emotions have been all over the place since I got the news. Suicidal, resignation, lassez-faire, comatose, anger. Perhaps classic stages. Perhaps more extreme than they need to be. I am back in Pennsylvania because my friend asked me to move here, thinking he could help me. Well, I'm a handful. And he is extraordinarily busy with his music school and students. But, I'm here. I'm just lonely a lot of the time. Purrcival helps, but being my age and not being religious, it is hard to find a community. My friend's students are wonderful. I've become relatively "close" with a couple of them. I'm the age of their parents, however, so we're really not forming any bonds. The one who is now my dog's daddy is a sweetheart, but he no longer lives in this town. They've all been so helpful and my friend gets together with me as much as he can. It would be enough if I had more of a life of my own. If I had a career and a family of my own.

I think I'm trying, in my own way, to find a life. The middle of Pennsylvania isn't chock-full of opportunities. I'm looking in the "paper" - online. Also looking at Meet Ups. Found one, a multicultural group that has people from all over the world talk about their countries, over pot luck. Went to one. Maybe I'll go again. I look like the people here. I haven't experienced that commonality in a long time. In New Mexico, my color and size quickly let everybody know I was an outsider. People are friendlier in this small town I've found myself in. I'm close to the big college town. There are things to do on campus. Its been several months now. Luckily, it has been a mostly mild winter.