Anxious

Less than a week to go.

Trying not to think of the 4 major repairs my heart needs. Wiping the image out of my mind of me, lying on the operating table, hooked up to a heart-and-lung machine. Trying not to think about the agonizing pain of recovering from my chest being split open. Remembering the deep depression that came over me, last time, about a month after my surgery (due to the dramatic drop of endorphins after a few weeks of recovery). Pissed off at Medicaid, only wanting to pay for 3 days in the hospital. Are they fucking nuts??

Praying I won't be put on Prednisone again. Praying that my lungs don't fill up with fluid this time.

Visualize....visualize....visualize the highest outcome. See myself whole. See myself happy. See myself healthy. Breathe. Calm down. Don't be so scared.

Try and get some sleep.

Good News As We Move Forward.

21 days and counting, until my open-heart surgery.

They replaced just the aortic valve in 2008. This time, they will not only replace the valve again (with a mechanical one that will "tick" - not very happy about that), they will swap out the actual aorta with Dacron, and do the same thing with the connector to the valve, called the aortic 'root', and finally, put something called a button in the wall of my heart. To plug up a leak. I still wonder how my heart got so bad, so fast. Perhaps it was broken, one too many times.

Yesterday, though, I had a lot of good news.

First of all, my sisters and I have been wracking our brains, trying to figure out how we can afford to live in Albuquerque (over 3 hours away), while I am recuperating from surgery. Lisa found a woman, on a nation-wide message board for the radio network where she works, with a house to spare! Details are still coming in, and my sister, Linda, and I will go look at the home on Sunday. But, I am pretty sure we can afford this short-term housing solution.

I read in the paper that my cardiologist will now be seeing patients in Taos. This town was down to only one cardiologist who was really booked up. In order to see mine, I had to travel well over 2 hours. This will save a lot of travel time and gas!

Finally, I got a call from my ENT surgeon about the enormous tumor (aka Gilbert the Goiter) he removed from my neck (along with half of my thyroid). Very intensive scanning was done to it, to make sure there were no cancer cells. Turns out they DID find a small amount - about 7mm - but it was entirely contained within the removed tumor. While I freaked out, a bit, at the big "C" word, this is very positive. All of the offending cells were removed and no other treatment - like chemo or radiation - will be required. In other words, I am cured. PHEW! Both of my sisters wondered if Gilbert was acting as a protective force-field against the cancer? I like that idea. Always had a fondness for him.

I am pretty tired these days. Not a lot of excess energy to spare. My not-so-comfortable bed and I are well acquainted. (thank God for memory foam).

21 days to go...