Last night, while trying to stop blaming myself for feeling overwhelmed and out-of-my-league in grad school, I decided to chronicle everything I've been through since last September, to see if I could find a thread. Here's my list:
End of September, the great temp job at the registrar's office was suddenly taken away and instead, I was humiliated by being downgraded to only removing staples and shredding papers for 8 hours a day. While I tried to bolster my confidence and make the job more palatable by listening to NPR on-line and watching Panda Cam, I still felt foolish and ashamed for having such a mundane existence after my triumphant graduation from college.
I think this humiliation lead to my thunderbolt idea to apply to grad school in Seattle in ethnomusicology. While previously, I had not felt it was a good idea to pursue this line, suddenly it became my escape. A way to save face.
I was so broke and could not pay to move any of my belongings back across the country. My friend Marsha's truck-driver friend couldn't haul my stuff. I am woefully inept at salesmanship. So, I gave away almost everything I own. Stuff I'd accumulated over 25 years. Stuff that had sentimental value. Stuff I didn't need...and stuff I needed.
I packed up and sent 17 boxes back West. Small boxes, mind you, not giant ones. I packed a little bit of stuff in my car and my 2 cats and drove for over a week, avoiding snow and ice storms.
In December, when I got to Seattle, I was sick for 3 weeks. I had a one-day (night) stand with an artist friend. That turned into an immediate disaster. He and I stopped communicating by May.
I looked every day for a job. Nothing but dead ends, over and over for another month, until I got a week's work stuffing plastic bags full of promotional items for a ski event.
In February, I had to give up one of my cats because my sister wouldn't allow me to have it and because it was being abused by my other cat. I continued looking for jobs, got one interview that went nowhere. I finally hooked up with a good temp firm that found me work at the public radio station during the pledge drive. I begrudgingly went to the traffic reporting company to seek weekend work. Then I got bronchitis and lost my voice for a few more weeks.
I finally got an interview at the University for a part-time job and I got the job. It quickly became a nightmare. I had a horrible boss who accused me of things I didn't do and was setting me up to get fired, for some reason.
In May, my sister bought a house and I packed up most of her belongings, as well as my meager things and lined up the movers. My ex-artist friend built us a crate for a grandfather clock but that turned into a disaster.
In June, due to all the debt I accumulated while in college and my lack of steady work, I was unable to pay my credit card bills and the companies jacked up their rates to 32 percent. Creditors began calling the house on a daily basis, adding to a very stressful situation. My sister was so angry after talking to one of the creditors she herniated a couple of disks in her back. Happily, in June, I got another part-time job as receptionist at the public radio station. That went very well and I kept that job until mid-September.
In July, I found out that the other job with the bad boss was moving into new offices. I had to pack up the stuff and move it down the hall. My awful boss gave herself a palatial office and the rest of us were left to fend for ourselves in one noisy room, filled with papers, keys, lost-and-found items and printers. I was told I was to become the epicenter of the chaos, so I quit. My boss wouldn't give me two weeks notice and locked me out of the computers. I had to prove to her supervisor that I didn't just "not show up", as she had been told.
Also in August, I went to a credit counselor to try to get my finances under control. I was told to file for bankruptcy, a huge shock. I spent the rest of the month going to free legal clinics to get the paperwork in order to file for Chapter 7. I filed at the end of the month and was told I might lose my car. That terrified me.
With that shining success on my mind, month ago, September 27th, I started graduate school. None of us in the program felt we had adequate advising and for two weeks we wandered around lost, dazed and confused. Horror stories from other grad students in the program filled our heads. The scholarly readings were confusing and tedious.
A week and a half into the program, I got a temp job doing data entry, again, for the public radio station. While it provides much needed cash, it offers no daytime studying opportunities. I am torn between leaving the job and getting time and staying and being able to pay my sister some rent.
Then last week, my sister decided to bring a cute new puppy into our house. He needs constant attention and disciplining, of which I have no experience. Cats are very different from dogs.
What a year. Is there a thread?
