I Won't Lie

I won't lie. I don't feel great. I sleep a lot, still. While I do feel much, much better than I did while I was living in the moldy apartment, I now have weird aches and pains in my stomach and intestines I cant quite explain. 

I have had one session of "acutonics" - acupressure using sound and tuning forks, since I've been back in New Mexico and have seen my old primary care doctor for a follow up and referral to the cancer center here in New Mexico. I know I'm not out of the woods yet. I would love to have more acupuncture soon. It seems to help.

I don't know whether I am creating this stomach pain, psychosomatically, or if it is cancer or gas. I pushed through a whole lot of fear in the past couple of months and know I was running on adrenaline for several weeks. I'm sure it depleated my system, too. During the past month, I've gone out for a drive and visited a couple of friends. Some very minor grocery shopping, as I'm so anxious in a supermarket I get sweats and stomach distress. One day I bought lunch and drove out to the edge of the mesa and sat looking down 900 feet on to the Rio Grande, flowing through the gorge. 

Mostly, though, I get up around 9am or so, have breakfast, look at my computer, watch a movie or TV show, cuddle with Purrcy and then have a nap, eat a light dinner and passively spend the rest of the day until bedtime. When I feel a little stronger, I look for possible ideas for the Santa Fe-produced radio show "Here and There with Dave Marash". I started volunteering for him a few years ago and it is nice to keep my hand in 'the business'. I've also done some more abstract paintings and drawings. But, mostly I sleep. 

Tomorrow I get my second Covid-19 vaccine and I hope I don't have bad side-effects. It will be nice not to worry about that, on top of the other stuff I've gone through. I wear a cannula and walk around this small house with a hose trailing behind me, because I'm still on oxygen. The altitude is difficult to get used to, again. 

I still think about my friend who became so cruel and rageful towards me. Even after I told him about my 8 new "tumors" in my body, he said "are you through?" and then went on with another 5 paragraph written rant towards me, telling me I was racist and putting his family in danger. I have absolutely no idea what he was talking about. But it still hurts. 

I hope my next blog update will be more optimistic. 2 doctor appointments on June 11th probably won't give me any new answers, but who knows?