Friday, January 23, 2015

Take a Deep Breath

Post operation, I am already breathing deeper than I have in a long, long time. I am not dizzy anymore and I feel like I can think. Not getting enough oxygen to the body and brain takes its toll.

Nobody realized how huge Gilbert the Goiter (RIP) was, until they got me on the operating table. A procedure that normally takes 2 hours took over 6 hours. I had a great surgeon and anesthesiologist! They made sure they took their time and were very careful. The tumor had wrapped itself around my vocal chords, and they are stretched out. I sound like Bonnie Tyler. (It's a heartache....nothin' but a heartache) My voice will improve.

So glad surgery-number-one is over with. Meeting with the heart surgeon on Monday, to schedule the one that comes next.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Just a Few More Days

5 Days to go until the first surgery. Removal of Gilbert the Goiter and half of my thyroid. A cardiac team will be on standby, if my aortic aneurysm ruptures during the procedure.

I tried to meditate a few days ago but couldn't muster much inner peace. I am more worried, this time, than I was in 2008, with my first open-heart operation. There are many complications this time. I don't know why it is so difficult to have faith right now. It just is.

Have been reading a little book, "The Afterlife of Billy Fingers", that describes the death and afterlife of a man, as told from his side of the 'great divide' - to his sister, on our side. The writing is simplistic and a bit irritating, but it does help, knowing that if all fails, what lies ahead will be positive and fulfilling.

If I die and get to see my loved ones, from the other side, I most want to visit my kitty Saturn, and my Aunt Nippy. She came to me after my first heart surgery. A little hole ripped open through the fabric of space, just to the left of my head, and I saw her, looking very happy and healthy. She said "Hey, Kiddo" (she used to call me Kiddo), and told me what to name a fuzzy stuffed dog my sister gave me. "I think he looks like a Scamp, Kiddo" Wisdom from the beyond.

Then, I'd like to blow this Popsicle stand and get on with learning the great mysteries of Creation.

Saturday, January 03, 2015

Then and Now

A year ago, I was restless and couldn't find much to do with myself. It wasn't enough to love the kitties at the animal shelter two or three days a week, read library books and sing now and again with friends on Sunday. I was happy to have my house sitting and errand running duties for my landlord, as well as book research for her son. My brain was over-active and needed stimulation. I went for plenty of walks but felt anxious. I was horribly lonely.

As a new year begins, with health issues that need attention, I am happy to nap for most of the day, watch movies online and scroll through Facebook. Last year's painting phase only lasted a month or so. I was uninspired by acrylic and canvas and became highly critical of my work. Several months later, however, one lovely piece of cardboard inspired a new phase of work, with colored pencils. But, nowadays, with a weakened heart, I can't draw with the pressure and intensity I crave. So, I have had to put a new piece aside, until after my surgery.

Last year, my loneliness was loud. Right now, my sister is living with me and I am not lonely at all. I am embarrassed she is a witness to my morning ineptitude - my inability to translate my thoughts into verbal or written words for several hours. My clumsiness and forgetfulness. I have a hard time laughing at myself because it is so frustrating. She is a morning person and is filled with ideas and words when I awake. I want to respond, but can't, many times. She is understanding but I get aggravated that I can't communicate at the same rate as she can.

This year, I tire after eating - it takes energy to digest food. I get weary if I wash the few dishes in the sink and I need a nap after taking a shower. I enjoy spending the majority of my day asleep. It is hard to remember when it wasn't this way, which is why I'm writing this blog - to remind myself. 

My birthday is on Monday. What will I write this time next year?