Gratitude and Platitudes

This morning I woke up feeling so very grateful.

Grateful for all of the help my sister, Linda, has given me through this journey. Grateful that my sister, Lisa, set up a "Go Fund Me" page (against my initial wishes) that helped me financially these past several months. Amazed that Lisa found a place for us to stay during this time. So thankful that the young woman, Margaret, who had an "extra furnished house" near Albuquerque is a very cool young lady. Have enjoyed getting to know her and her partner, Paul.

I can't forget about all of the kind and generous people who have contributed to the "Go Fund Me" page. I am flabbergasted by their generosity. Some of them even gave multiple times! How have I been so fortunate?

I have been so lucky to have Medicaid during this medical crisis. Because of it, I had the best surgeons in the state (according to Albuquerque magazine) operate on me. I am so thankful I am able to go to cardiac rehab in a facility that is well-staffed.

Only thirteen more days here, before I move back home. I am a little sad about that. It means that my sister will be flying back East a few days later and I will live alone again. At the same time, I am happy to return to the gentle routine of everyday life, living as a person, and not a patient.

If I haven't said all of this before, I have certainly thought it. I have been blessed. Thank you.

Rehab and Rage

Ah, Cardiac Rehab.

Getting on the exercise machines. Treadmill, stationary bicycle and an evil thing called the "Biodex". My heart rate is raising and my sweat glands are getting a workout, too. The exercise part of rehab is great. Gaining confidence in my body and learning that I won't break, after being told to avoid all stress at risk of death, several months ago. It is all different. While my chest (sternum) still hurts at times, it doesn't hurt all the time. No longer taking prescription pain killers and Tylenol consumption is drastically reduced.

However, the "heart healthy" classes at cardiac rehab are a bit of a pain. So difficult for me to sit through diet and nutrition classes - I have SO MUCH BAGGAGE in that area - being a genetically "big girl", and having been forced to diet when I was 12 years old and then again, throughout my teens and twenties. Living in a family and society that equate bigness, in women, with worthlessness, is very difficult. The five-foot NOTHING, 95 pound nutritionist teaching the class is doing her best - keeping things light and entertaining - but I still feel rage. I attended way too many Weight Watcher and Diet Workshop classes, as well as a semester of nutrition classes in college. None of this information is new to me. I know I don't follow all of the advice. And it still makes me want to scream. I will not avoid something if it has mayonnaise in it. Don't you dare tell me to get rid of egg yolks, and if my body is craving red meat and I can afford it, I WILL eat a steak. I probably need the protein and the vitamin B.

Oh wait - my veins and arteries are perfectly fine - wide open, in fact. No sign of any hardening or blockages. This advice is designed for people who have common heart disease, not aortas that got aneurysms from blood clots passing through them or bad heart valves from birth. But still, I get enraged.

I don't know if there is a therapist in the world who can help with this case of dietary PTSD. Just something I'll have to live with.