Anxious

Less than a week to go.

Trying not to think of the 4 major repairs my heart needs. Wiping the image out of my mind of me, lying on the operating table, hooked up to a heart-and-lung machine. Trying not to think about the agonizing pain of recovering from my chest being split open. Remembering the deep depression that came over me, last time, about a month after my surgery (due to the dramatic drop of endorphins after a few weeks of recovery). Pissed off at Medicaid, only wanting to pay for 3 days in the hospital. Are they fucking nuts??

Praying I won't be put on Prednisone again. Praying that my lungs don't fill up with fluid this time.

Visualize....visualize....visualize the highest outcome. See myself whole. See myself happy. See myself healthy. Breathe. Calm down. Don't be so scared.

Try and get some sleep.