Trying to Digest the News

How do I handle this?

Several months back I wrote of my breathing problems and pressure in my chest during walks. Over the summer, a large lump also appeared on the left side of my neck. As a person who's gone much of her adult life without health insurance (god bless America), it isn't my first impulse to consult with an expensive medical doctor or specialist. I tried acupuncture and oriental medicine, first, as it was something I could afford. The goiter on my neck did reduce in size, somewhat, but it didn't go away. Also, for a while now, I have had weekly oxygen therapy which also assisted in my breathing problems. But, I still was having difficulty.

Because I live in this isolated tiny town, I have to drive at least 80 miles to see a cardiologist (the only one in town had a 2-month waiting time for new patients). After my consultation, EKG and echo-cardiogram, I found out I wasn't just imagining my chest pain. My aorta has expanded to a dangerous size - and has increased nearly a centimeter in the past year - and I will need open-heart surgery to repair the wall of the heart, so it doesn't tear. If it does, the results are always fatal.

The day after I got this news, I saw an endocrinologist (in a different city, 40 miles from the cardiologist), who told me I needed to have the goiter surgically removed, as well as the left part of my thyroid where the goiter was resting. Also, the lump has moved my breathing tube (trachea) over an inch to the right, which might make the cardiac surgery more difficult.

Mostly, I feel angry about this news. I thought I would never have to experience the physical trauma of open-heart surgery ever again, because I could have a non-invasive procedure to replace my bad valve, if ever it should be needed. The valve is holding up - 6 years later, it is fine. But, why is the aorta enlarging? I just found out my father died of an aortic aneurism. Perhaps bad hearts are hereditary. I lived through the radiation releases of Three Mile Island, 10 miles from where I grew up in Pennsylvania. In the tiny town where I currently live, the drinking water was recently shown to contain 300 times the acceptable amount of uranium. While I have switched to bottled water, I shower in this as well as brush my teeth and wash my dishes in the contaminated stuff. Either of these could be the cause. Or, that one day, when I downed a box of Pepperidge Farm Cheddar Goldfish - in a rash decision to break my gluten-free diet - could have caused an imbalance. I don't know.

How do I handle this? The next step is to get a CT scan from a cardiac surgeon, in Albuquerque, 3 hours away from me. Then I wait on the results of the biopsy of my thyroid goiter. Depending on the results - i.e. if the thyroid has CANCER, we can determine which surgery is first.

All I can do is state the facts. I don't like the thought of surgery. Why do they have to take out half of my thyroid if it is functioning correctly? Can't they just remove the lump? How will my body handle all of this surgical trauma? I guess it will or it won't. I'm not looking forward to all of this and I feel alone and unloved. That is an automatic response, for some reason. I know I'm not unloved - I have my sisters and I've shared all of this on Facebook and have plenty of contacts sending love and prayers. But still, it is not the same as having strong arms holding me and saying "we'll get through this".  I go to my pity place, I guess.

I know I'll feel differently in a few days and will edit this post. But right now, I just want to share what I'm really feeling. (which, I know, still sounds very fact-driven and Capricorn-like).