Cranky Cranky Cranky - What did you say?

I just woke up in a foul mood today. Even as I lay in bed, I reminded myself of all the blessings I have. I reminded myself that my car is still working and that I have enough to eat and a little money in the bank. I told myself to be grateful I have a place to live and occasional employment and good health. I remembered that I took a lovely trip to Santa Fe the other day, where I attended a free outdoor concert and ate a delicious vegetarian meal.

Yet, my foul mood persists. As I sit on top of the hood of a car, surfing the Internet, I hear thunder rumbling in the distance. I know I can walk back inside at a moment's notice, if the rain comes. I am happy that I can get wifi on this laptop. I am glad I had enough freshly ground Sumatran coffee, a working French press coffee pot and sugar and cream for two cups.

I wonder if I am cranky because I fear losing my hearing. My tinnitus continues, with low notes and high pitches, and I'm not having as much fun listening to music these days. Maybe I no longer like avant garde or dissonance. I used to be able to pick out the notes between the notes, to appreciate subtle nuances and make sense of nonsense. These days, I need a good strong melody and distinct harmonies. I have no patience for amateurism. And I am very disappointed in myself, for sounding more and more like an amateur when I sing. And I am a little jealous of my sister, for sounding more and more like a professional and for her experiences singing with top-notch musicians, while I just sing with hobbyists

After I took Ron Fein's class "Classical Avant Garde", back in the early '90's, I felt a whole new world opening up to me. I was so affected by this music that I remember saying to myself "I hope I don't go deaf!!" My father and grandfather lost some of their hearing and grandpa wore a hearing aid. And, they didn't sing in rock bands in their '20's or work in radio, wearing headphones, in their '30's.

I hope this is treatable.