Reset

Christmas is here. Time to hit the reset button.

I usually consider the day after Christmas to be the first day of the new year. All of the end-of-year hustle and bustle is over and the post-holiday calm sets in.

I can't wait to start the new year and try again.

I am pressing the reset button to get a new attitude about graduate school. I'm going back to school and vow to try harder this quarter.

I am jamming my finger as hard as I can on the reset button to reset my financial life. I will get myself out of the hole I have dug and poke my head above ground.

Hooray for the reset button. You can push mine, if yours is broken.

Get Out of The House!!!

As soon as I am done with this blog, I'm putting on my shoes and getting out of the house for the rest of the day. I've been out of school for about a week now and have been recovering. My head has pretty much stopped buzzing from stress and my ears are no longer popping from high blood pressure.

374 Miles Later

I played hookey from grad school today. I got up early, washed my hair and got dressed, got in my car and drove to Portland, OR. For no reason. In fact, I didn't do anything when I got there. I tooled around and wound up in Beaverton. Didn't even stop for lunch. I just filled up the gas tank (well, had the gas station attendant fill it up - you aren't allowed to pump your own gas in Oregon...quaint), turned around and drove back to Seattle.

And I feel better. Something about the rhythm of the tires on the road and the changing scenery out front changes your perspective. I hope it lasts.

Apu for me

Why do I think that men from India are the handsomest on earth?

Maybe it is the skin color...brown, golden brown, tan, beige or mocha. Maybe it is their soulful dark eyes framed with long lashes. Perhaps their thick black wavy hair. I could look at them all day.

Changing Moods

I am such a moody bitch. Really. One day I'm scared out of my mind and want to die and the next, I think everything is going to be allright if I only stay on the path I'm on.

Today is one of those "everything is going to be OK" days. I didn't wake up this way, however. Tuesdays, I have a seminar class where we're all supposed to participate and say intelligent things. Each week, I'm terrified that I won't know what in the heck is being discussed and I'll fall flat on my face. But this week and last, I did OK! I said stuff that (I think) sounded smart! Or else, I'm not comparing my comments to those of my classmates and feeling bad because I'm not as brilliant as they are. And they are really, really brilliant people. I'm proud to be in the same room with them.

I think I'll sit here and just enjoy this feeling of calm. And not think of the 15 page paper that is due in 3 weeks...and the presentation...and wonder what grade I got on my mid-terms...and try to figure out the best strategy for picking my classes for next quarter...oh shit...

I'm such a moody bitch.

From Her Point of View

I realized my post, "A Year's Chronicle" would make me sound selfish. But I never intended to hurt my sister's feelings. All of the things I wrote felt like just an impassionate laundry list to me. But to her, it felt like I was blaming her. That was never my intent. It is true that what we do affects those around us. Especially if those around us are also living with us. But when I just listed the events from my limited perspective I didn't take her motivations into effect. I know she only has the best of intentions and loves me very much. And I am so sorry I hurt her.

But, I think I'm coming apart at the seams. I feel like my head exists in a little box and if that box gets jostled just a tiny bit, the contents of my head get scrambled and some of it falls out. I feel like I've been trying as hard as I can, just to run in place. But I am not staying in one place. I'm falling behind. And each small change in life lessens my sanity. I need to catch up and catch my breath. And find a little stability that I can latch onto.

But, I'm afraid I've used up all of my chances.

I Needed to Get it Out

My last post, "A Year's Chronicle" was something I needed to get out of my system. I just needed to put it in writing. Yeah, it has been a difficult year but I think I'll be OK. I'm not sure if graduate school will work out, at this point, but I'm trying. I guess that is all I can do.

A Year's Chronicle

Last night, while trying to stop blaming myself for feeling overwhelmed and out-of-my-league in grad school, I decided to chronicle everything I've been through since last September, to see if I could find a thread. Here's my list:

End of September, the great temp job at the registrar's office was suddenly taken away and instead, I was humiliated by being downgraded to only removing staples and shredding papers for 8 hours a day. While I tried to bolster my confidence and make the job more palatable by listening to NPR on-line and watching Panda Cam, I still felt foolish and ashamed for having such a mundane existence after my triumphant graduation from college.

I think this humiliation lead to my thunderbolt idea to apply to grad school in Seattle in ethnomusicology. While previously, I had not felt it was a good idea to pursue this line, suddenly it became my escape. A way to save face.

I was so broke and could not pay to move any of my belongings back across the country. My friend Marsha's truck-driver friend couldn't haul my stuff. I am woefully inept at salesmanship. So, I gave away almost everything I own. Stuff I'd accumulated over 25 years. Stuff that had sentimental value. Stuff I didn't need...and stuff I needed.

I packed up and sent 17 boxes back West. Small boxes, mind you, not giant ones. I packed a little bit of stuff in my car and my 2 cats and drove for over a week, avoiding snow and ice storms.

In December, when I got to Seattle, I was sick for 3 weeks. I had a one-day (night) stand with an artist friend. That turned into an immediate disaster. He and I stopped communicating by May.

I looked every day for a job. Nothing but dead ends, over and over for another month, until I got a week's work stuffing plastic bags full of promotional items for a ski event.

In February, I had to give up one of my cats because my sister wouldn't allow me to have it and because it was being abused by my other cat. I continued looking for jobs, got one interview that went nowhere. I finally hooked up with a good temp firm that found me work at the public radio station during the pledge drive. I begrudgingly went to the traffic reporting company to seek weekend work. Then I got bronchitis and lost my voice for a few more weeks.

I finally got an interview at the University for a part-time job and I got the job. It quickly became a nightmare. I had a horrible boss who accused me of things I didn't do and was setting me up to get fired, for some reason.

In May, my sister bought a house and I packed up most of her belongings, as well as my meager things and lined up the movers. My ex-artist friend built us a crate for a grandfather clock but that turned into a disaster.

In June, due to all the debt I accumulated while in college and my lack of steady work, I was unable to pay my credit card bills and the companies jacked up their rates to 32 percent. Creditors began calling the house on a daily basis, adding to a very stressful situation. My sister was so angry after talking to one of the creditors she herniated a couple of disks in her back. Happily, in June, I got another part-time job as receptionist at the public radio station. That went very well and I kept that job until mid-September.

In July, I found out that the other job with the bad boss was moving into new offices. I had to pack up the stuff and move it down the hall. My awful boss gave herself a palatial office and the rest of us were left to fend for ourselves in one noisy room, filled with papers, keys, lost-and-found items and printers. I was told I was to become the epicenter of the chaos, so I quit. My boss wouldn't give me two weeks notice and locked me out of the computers. I had to prove to her supervisor that I didn't just "not show up", as she had been told.

Also in August, I went to a credit counselor to try to get my finances under control. I was told to file for bankruptcy, a huge shock. I spent the rest of the month going to free legal clinics to get the paperwork in order to file for Chapter 7. I filed at the end of the month and was told I might lose my car. That terrified me.

With that shining success on my mind, month ago, September 27th, I started graduate school. None of us in the program felt we had adequate advising and for two weeks we wandered around lost, dazed and confused. Horror stories from other grad students in the program filled our heads. The scholarly readings were confusing and tedious.

A week and a half into the program, I got a temp job doing data entry, again, for the public radio station. While it provides much needed cash, it offers no daytime studying opportunities. I am torn between leaving the job and getting time and staying and being able to pay my sister some rent.

Then last week, my sister decided to bring a cute new puppy into our house. He needs constant attention and disciplining, of which I have no experience. Cats are very different from dogs.

What a year. Is there a thread?

Deleted

I deleted my last post, "Crash and Burn?", because I realized I was having an anxiety attack. I'm getting some help for this and will try to avert an anxiety crisis before it takes over, next time.

I'm still in grad school, I'm still trying to comprehend it all.

Everyone is Lost

Classes have started. I am now a graduate student. And I am very confused. I have changed my course schedule twice because nobody really seems to know what is going on! And I am not alone in this. Another student was even more confused than I was. The professors are late in completing their syllabi, we've just been told what books to order. Classes started yesterday! I thought this was one of the best programs in the country!

I found out that only 4 Masters students were accepted into my program. Holy shit. I wonder what it was about me that got me in? Maybe my cover band/radio broadcasting background? Maybe 'cuz I'm 45 years old? I'm the only one, that I can tell, who doesn't have much classical music training. Or, maybe because my North Carolina professor went to this school? So far, I don't feel especially lucky...a little confused and overwhelmed, for sure.

Hard to Write

As I deal with the bankruptcy issue and prepare to start my Masters in Ethnomusicology, I feel totally overwhelmed.

I've come down with a cold. I can't seem to write.

I know that some of you are pissed that I haven't updated this blog in a while. I hope I get my creative juices to flow again very soon.

Vincent Libretti

Enough about bankruptcy. On to more important matters.

I am obsessed with Vincent Libretti from the new season of Project Runway.

I started watching Project Runway last season and love seeing the designers' creative process evolve. I am fascinated by the skills needed for sewing and tailoring, as it is completely out of my realm of understanding. I have been a musician and artist but never a seamstress.

Vincent, from this new, third season has captivated me from the start. From the first time I watched his short online video before the season began, to last night's surprise win, his personality, and presence have me hooked. He's cute, close to my age, he's an artist and he has such a child-like joy and abandon in his creativity (I LOVED the "kooky hat" he fashioned out of a basket in the first challenge and his giddiness in creating the doggie outfit from the 3rd challenge). If he is only on the show because he provides "good TV", well, I, for one, have been sucked in.

While in the design studio, you can see that he needs his creative juices raw in order to work. His Pollock-esque walking painting from the "Waste Not, Want Not" episode is proof of this. It was such fun watching him throw paper and glitter on his refuse-canvas during this episode. I have also made "art out of garbage" and his joy reminded me of the fun I have had creating some of my own abstract paintings. I tried my hardest to win his paper dress in the auction from challenge 6. But, having just claimed bankruptcy doesn't give me much cash to play with and I lost by only $5.

I don't think he's crazy, as others (and the producers) have portrayed him. In the scenes from the apartment, Vincent appears very normal and almost nurturing to the other designers. He called Bradley, "my boy", and showed concern over his departure from the contest.

My only complaint about Vincent Libretti's Project Runway creations is that they don't show much use of color. I have the suspicion that he might be slightly colorblind, as many men are. A little red, blue, magenta or chartreuse could help him. But, other than that, I have found my Project Runway soulmate.

Not as Bad as I Feared

Well, when you apply for bankruptcy, nobody stands over you with a pointed finger screaming "Shame on you, bad person". Good to know.

I paid my cash (1/2 now, 1/2 later - my choice) to the clerk, got my court date and signed some more papers. That was it. Then I went to the Pike Place Market and had a sandwich. Ta da.

Bankrupt and Unemployed!

All in 2 days, I am suddenly unemployed (well, almost) and nearly bankrupt.

The credit counselor I met with last Friday advised me to file for Chapter 7 Bankruptcy. Because I make so little money, she suggested this instead of making deals with my creditors. She even advised me to file the paperwork myself, instead of paying a lawyer. Wow. I cried and cried and went through half a box of tissues during the meeting.

On Monday, I resigned from "Lucky number 38", (see May 17th blog) the job I held at the University. My boss was an emotionally disturbed and immature woman who made sport of accusing her employees of misinterpreting her instructions and then blamed us for her mistakes. I couldn't take it any longer when she changed my job from an analytical, task-focused job to a multi-tasking, high-stress front desk position. She also refused to order office supplies for me, (while others in the office had adequate tools for their job) and cancelled any training that was scheduled for me becuase she wanted a new desk and didn't want to blow the budget on my needs.

Something better has to come along, right? I'm so glad to be away from this office ogre but I sure need the money. Luckily, I still have a temporary, part-time job I really enjoy at the public radio station. And school starts in September. And my teaching assistantship starts in March.

Keep the faith...keep the faith...one foot in front of the other...one day at a time...God, I need a drink.

I hope I can get through this

I have never been in this much financial trouble before. I've spent my entire adulthood building and maintaining a stellar credit record. Bills were always paid on time. For eleven years, I owned my own home. I made my car payments. Then I went to college to change my life. Well, it sure changed.

Somehow, in my 5 1/2 year odyssy of obtaining my bachelor's degree, I STILL paid all of my bills on time. I only bought $35 a week in groceries. I didn't have a social life unless it was free - and with the exception of a rare movie matinee or a cup of iced coffee (NOT espresso), I did not participate in the local economy. i held 3 on-campus jobs and I did everything the financial experts told me to do and more but I still came up short. In those desperate months, I would be forced to use a zero-percent or low interest check from my credit cards to make my bills. Oh yes, I knew it was a slippery slope but at 0 or 3% interest, I thought it might be a risk I could take. Plus, I had the best credit report money could buy.

Then I moved to Seattle. And then I couldn't find work for a couple of months. And then I got sick for another month. And then I found only a part-time job. Finally I found another part-time job to suppliment my income. But I couldn't meet all of my financial obligations. And then the credit card companies, after 19 years of loyalty, raised my intrest rate to 29 or 32 percent!!!!!!!!!! Now, there's no way I can afford even the minimum monthly payments. I've called the companies but after hours of being transferred to supervisors and re-stating my case and then being transferred again to a line that only disconnects my call, I realize the system is designed to abuse it's customers and keep us in a cycle of debt.

So, I'm meeting with a credit counselor on Friday. They'll cut up my credit cards (because, obviously, someone with my crappy new credit rating can't handle a credit card!)I pray this will work and I'm terrified that my credit rating will be so low that I won't be able to get the student loans I need to attend graduate school. I'm worried. Really, really worried. And I'm really, really scared.

A Reason to Catch the Later Bus

One day a few weeks ago I was running a tad late and missed my regular #48 bus to my job. I didn't know that I would make the later bus a regular habbit.

The bus driver for the later bus is a Latino - I'd like to think of him as Argentinian or Columbian - I don't know why but it feels more exotic than Mexican. All of the drivers on the # 48 route make announcements for the upcomming stops, like "65th and Ravenna - Park and Ride" But, the late bus driver, let's call him Antonio, really knows how to work his mic. Oh yeah, baby.

He growls and purrs with that accent of his. '65th and Ravenna, park and ride' becomes "Seeexxxty - feef an RRRRRRRR(imagine rolling r's)aaahvennah, Pahk an rrrrite - owrrr nex sssstoppp" But it is not just the accent. It is the timbre of his voice. Smoky and husky and intimate - each announcement goes through me like a firey sword. I giggle to myself each time he speaks and wonder if my fellow stone-faced travellers are feeling the same thing. I try to sit on the sideways-seats, halfway to the back of the bus, right under the loudspeaker and I wait in anticipation for my favorite announcement:

"Fifffteeentavenewwwww and Huuuneeevarseeety paahkway...theee Huneeevarseety offf HWatcheengtun, Hennreee Ahhht Gallreee, Owrrr Nexxxx Sssstoppp."

Oh Antonio!!!

And then, 2 stops later I have to get off and go to work.

One day, I think I'll skip work, and take the bus all the way to Columbia City.

They'll have to peel me off the floor.

Overheard on the #358 Metro Bus

2 guys were sitting across from me. One, in his late 20's had a small child. The other, who looked a few years older sat nearby.

Without prompting, the older guy says:
"Got an hour to get back to work release."

The young dad answers with a knowing chuckle:
"I hear you, man. I just got out of that 3 months ago."

A different crowd rides the 358 bus down Aurora. Wow.

Skeezy Perp-Walk

We've just moved from a rental in the tony-yet-homey neighborhood of Magnolia into our own house on the edge of an area the realtor had the nerve to call "Greenlake". Actually, we're just a few houses away from the busy Seattle arterial, Aurora Avenue North.

Before I moved away, 6 years ago, this neighborhood was pretty sketchy, with hookers and drug dealers making the rounds on a regular basis. But folks have been working hard to clean up the place. Nowadays houses go for nearly 1/2 a million bucks a piece. Even though the view hasn't changed much, for the most part, the people have. While I had the pleasure of watching a drug deal at my bus stop last week, just this morning I followed a guy in a silk suit and Italian leather loafers...to the same bus stop. (of course, maybe he was the drug dealer's supplier).

In the mornings on my way to the #48, I walk past a couple of used car dealers, a family-run motel, a foreign car repair shop and a "doc-in-the-box" as well as a beauty supply store and a couple of gas stations. Not really the scenic route. But not nearly the risky roll-of-the-dice stroll it used to be. I call my morning commute the "skeezy perp walk".

Lucky Number 38

Looks like 38 is the charm.

That's how many jobs I applied for at the University of Washington before I found one. And it will work out great for graduate school. I'll work from 9 to 1 everyday and then attend classes starting at 1:30. And, I get full benefits, including help with tuition! So while the Autumn Quarter will still be really, really expensive and financially tight, by January, I'll qualify for in-state tuition and get an extra break by being an employee. If I get a scholarship, they'll have to pay ME to go to college. Now THAT's the way I like it!

Psycho-Somatic Symptoms

Bummer. The "best temp job ever" is over. I probably could have been there all this week had I not developed what I think is bronchitis. These past 2 weeks, I've been riding the bus to and from work and have loved seeing all of the beautiful blooming flowers and trees along the way. But after the third day, I started coughing and wheezing. Probably allergies. Finally the cough settled down into the depths of my massive chest cavity and I've been hacking up goo ever since. It became ridiculous on Monday and I had to call off sick.

I've been trying to get some kind of cheap medical attention but all of the reduced-rate clinics are not accepting patients until June, the new fiscal year. That leaves Health South and other doc-in-the boxes that charge between $90 and $120 for an appointment. More if they have to run tests. It is just not worth it to me. It is so frustrating!

I have been sick a lot since I got back home. My friend, Zoe, thinks it is because I'm re-acclimating myself to Seattle air, which has to be easier than getting used to North Carolina air. I remember I was sick all the time when I first moved there. My sister thinks I'm scared of all the changes in my life and that fear is manifesting itself into illnesses. Maybe they're both right.

In the meantime, I'm not making any money staying in bed and coughing my fool head off. I just want to be well!!!!

More Free Food!

This is the best temp job ever!

I've been doing data entry at a local public radio station during their fundraising drive. Kinda mundane but I'm working with 2 very cool liberal ladies. So different from the North Carolina office workers. It has been a long time since I've worked with people whose politics are the same (or even more left wing)than mine.

But the best-est, coolest thing is that businesses have been providing lots of free food and drinks all throughout the pledge drive! I haven't had to buy coffee, breakfast or lunch all week. Well, OK, I did buy a taco yesterday because the Vegan place that was supposed to deliver the food just forgot. Earlier in the week, another vegetarian place was doing the catering and showed up 2 hours late. I can just hear the conversation at the restaurant.

"La la la...oh wow, man...oh dude, when do I bring the cous cous to the radio station, dude?"

"2 hours ago, Josh."

"Bummer, dude, guess I fucked up. Oh well, it's all good."

NO JOSH, IT IS NOT ALL GOOD! WE'RE HUNGRY!! EAT SOME PROTEIN, PEOPLE!!

See how spoiled I get. Not only do I want free food, I want it on time.

The Log Jam Breaks!

I have work!

The temporary firm has finally given me a few weeks of work, starting tomorrow. Just a data entry type of job but really, I don't mind those.

And, much to my chagrin, I will once again be back on the radio. I have reluctantly taken a position as a traffic reporter on Saturdays between 11 and 7 PM. I will try not to be available for fill-in work. Maybe this will turn into a good thing for graduate school, having a once-a-week job, at a decent hourly wage that I can depend on? It will pay my car payment, at any rate.

Backed up from Albro to the Brewery...again.

The Suckiness of Cell Phones, part 2

So, I got the new cell phone via Fed Ex the following day. But, after programming in all of the numbers, I couldn't hear anything! Decided to go to a different Verizon store to avoid the meanness of the downtown techs. The Northgate mall Verizon tech told me my new phone arrived D.O.A. and that they didn't have a replacement in stock. I was instructed to drive back to the downtown store, where I would be handed a new phone.

I delayed my trip until after rush hour, drove back downtown, waited in line forever and finally told the downtown tech my situation. He didn't believe the phone was Dead On Arrival and made some adjustments to my settings. He was right! My phone worked perfectly!

I estimate it took driving about 64 miles and 4 days to rectify the situation. There is no doubt in my mind now that Mercury in Retrograde affects communication.

Cell Phones Suck

Really, I've had a cell phone for about 5 months and never use more than 100 minutes a month on the thing. Do I really need it??

I plugged it in overnight to recharge and when I unplugged it in the morning, the thing was totally dead. So, I called Verizon's customer service who told me to take the phone downtown into the Verizon store. The unpleasant tech looked at it and told me that "since a copper tooth was out of place where it gets plugged in, the phone is no longer under warrenty and that my only recourse is it buy a new phone!!!" And this is because I didn't buy "insurance"! Geez. Does anybody buy that stuff?

So, I sat in traffic for a half hour on 5th avenue and headed South to Costco, since I got the phone in Greensboro's Costco. They also asked me if I bought insurance but the Costco phone guy offered to call customer service for me and he got them to send me a new phone (3 business days) BUT I have to pay $11 in shipping charges (as well as paying for 4 or 5 days of no phone service!. I don't think I like having a cell phone.

I feel like I'm wasting $39.99 every month on this thing. I thought I'd use it more but the reality is, who do I have to call?

Cell phones are just another way to drain my tiny bank account!

I'm IN!

I can't believe it. Sure, I still can't find a job but maybe this is the reason why:

I JUST GOT ACCEPTED INTO GRADUATE SCHOOL!!!

Here I am, mid-40's, wasn't able to go to college when I was younger and so I finally went back 5 years ago and just completed my bachelor's degree. Now, I'm going on to get my Master's! I never, NEVER thought this option was available to somebody like me, from my dysfunctional, impoverished family background! Shows how much I know. And, if all goes well I just might continue on for my PhD? What the heck??

Then maybe I'll become a college professor? I think I'd enjoy it and be really good at it.

Wow.

hehehehehhehehehehe

I Can't Get Arrested in this Town!

I think I've applied for over 100 jobs since I've been back home.

The only interview I've gotten was an "obligation" interview - the company wanted to hire an internal candidate but human resources said they had to interview a few "outside candidates", too. Needless to say, I wasn't called back.

I'm sure I'm not alone. Every job that sends me an email rejection says they had so many "quality applicants" apply and were "overwhelmed with the response". The only way to get a job is to know somebody on the inside. And, the people I know don't know anybody!

I keep thinking about a French documentary about a public hygiene facility in Paris. Several of the men and women using the facility said they had reached an age where their luck has run out. After a certain age, nobody wants to hire you anymore.

Personne ne me veut desormais.

Dog Days of Winter

I've been spending my days looking for work online, sending out resumes, doing my taxes (refund expected within 2 weeks - hooray!) and going for walks and excursions with my sister's dog, Abbey.

Having never been a dog owner, I am taking to it quite well. My favorite outings have been to the dog park located in Seattle's Magnison Park. It is very expansive, filled with muddy and grassy play areas, a path that leads down to the water, a rocky beach with logs and benches on which to climb and sit, fenced-in trails, water-filled metal bowls along the path, and plenty of strategically placed plastic bags and garbage cans for doggie-doo.

Twice this week Abbey and I have ventured to the leash-free dog park where she's danced with Dobermans and pranced with Pomeranians. Butt-sniffing Boxers and precocious Poodles of all sizes have trotted beside her as we've made our way down to the water to watch scads of young Golden Retrievers swim and play fetch. She gets mighty tuckered out after these outings, a good thing. Dogs, I've learned, have a way of guilting a person into action. If the weather is just too nasty or I'm just too lazy to take her for a walk, I know I'll be in for an evening filled with a prostrate dog, sighing and harrumphing, as her sideways face stares sadly into my eyes.

Today we took a frigid, rainy walk to Alki Beach, where she got so excited by some former canine visitor's calling card that she rolled around on her back on the grass and howled! It looked just like my kitties when given a fresh layer of catnip on their scratching posts! I'd never seen a dog do anything like it. Then I was told she was probably rolling around in dog poo. There is a big difference between dogs and cats, that is for sure.

Soggy

Damp
Sprinkle
Drizzle
Precipitation
Rain
Showers
Stream
Downpour
Torrent
Dump
Driving Rain
Gully Washer
Pouring
Deluge
Ark-Building time

Uber-Seattle weather.
27 Days straight with no end in sight.
Moss growing on the North side of my blue jeans.
Birkenstock cork soles swollen beyond repair.

No really, I'm so happy to be back home....