Feeling So Much Better This Morning!!!

 March 30th, I have so much more energy!!! The mold is leaving my body!! Time to celebrate!

Tiki Time for Everybody!!! 

ELEVEN YEARS

Today or tomorrow is the 11-year anniversary of my first toxic mold spore inhalation and my weird-ass journey to the desert to dry myself out from it. I cannot believe I'm dealing with this again. Still pretty weak, but needing fewer painkillers, while I "dry out" again, in a motel room. 

In 2014, my twin sister, Lisa Craze, wrote and recorded a song called "Eleven Years" that sure speaks to what I'm going through now. She's a fine songwriter and powerful performer, in her own right. And, oh yeah, she hired all of the musicians, worked with them on arrangements and co-produced the thing (along with Jonathan Plum at London Bridge Studios) herself! Every Silberman girl's dream. I'm so thrilled she got to live it.

And On The Third Day She Rose From The Dead

 Since I last posted:

Black Mold was discovered in my apartment. Prominently appearing all over the back of my clothes closet - located directly across the room, from the head of my bed. In a panic, I called the landlord who told me he'd done what he could for me (I had a bad kitchen faucet he finally replaced), but because I was complaining again, I "needed to go". 

I asked the husband of a friend to take my truck in for inspection - really horrible Pennsylvania law demanding all kinds of crap be done to a vehicle every year - really just a giveaway for mechanics and car dealers. Other states don't require anything nearly as draconian. Suddenly, they said I needed 4 new tires - this after I took the truck in to a Valvoline 3 days earlier, who would have LOVED to upsell me on a tire rotation or alignment - if needed. I was being scammed. The cancer lady was being ripped off by some dishonest small-town rubes,  for her final goodbye.

My sister swept in and helped me, as she's done many times since 2008. Got me a hotel room in a different town, packed up my stuff, got me a loaner cell phone, drove me down and then went back the next day to clean stuff up. My life has been so damned insane. While my sister and I are currently at odds, I can't thank her enough for her help. I was going to die.

Seriously - I had written the final version of my will. I had the final discussion with both of my sisters about what happens to my body when I die and how to handle distribution of my assets. I called a couple of friends I haven't heard from in a while to tell them the horrible news. etc. etc. I wanted to leave my truck to my friend, Julia, who lives in New Mexico, because she needs it so badly. All of that was discussed.

And then, the mold. A friend forwarded academic papers stating that mold can mimic cancer in CT Scans. I have not had a biopsy, it was just assumed that my endometrial cancer had come back. So, I might not have to die, just yet. I've just located a mineral bath not too far away, and plan on heading there to detoxify my body - just like I did in 2010. I guess all of that insanity was a trial run for now. Good god. Am I strong enough yet? Have I been through enough Lord? Please say yes. Please?

A Final Plea

 Well, my dear friends, looks like my body is starting to shut down. My new acupuncturist was holding back tears and kept saying “I’m so sorry” as she pulled out the needles, following my treatment, yesterday. 

Just keep me out of pain. While relaxing during the treatment, I received a message that my transition to the next world will be easy, if I just “step to the side and in to the light”, for ascension. Why do we, as a society, drag out death? Don’t you dare keep me alive by science. 

HOWEVER, I have some debts that need to be paid. Credit card had to be used during my upheaval from New Mexico and then Baxter’s illness, once we got to Pennsylvania. I owe nearly $9,000. Then, there is the ridiculous student loan burden, which I was able to make payments on until my life was upended in 2010. I am unable to dissolve the now $52,000 in debt (originally about $40,000 but interest adds up) because the government classified my disability as ‘temporary’ instead of permanent. SO, I can’t leave my friend  my truck (which she desperately needs) and my sisters can’t have a couple pieces of my jewelry, when I die. Everything will be sold off to pay off stupid creditors. 

PLEASE, I NEED YOUR HELP!

Could you please throw a few dollars in to my Go Fund Me account? It is linked to my bank account or give a gift via Venmo or PayPal. I am listed as Anne.silberman@gmail.com. They don’t take fees for gifts. It would mean so much to me for my few heirs to receive what they are owed.  

https://www.gofundme.com/manage/help-anne-seek-alternative-healing

There is no death with dignity when you are broke.

Thank you all for following my life over the past 15 or so years. 

Remember, you are connected to ‘Source’ or ‘God’ and you never need to look outside of yourself to find the TRUTH. No one can find YOUR GOD but YOU. FOLLOWING A GURU OR PRIEST ONLY GIVES THEM POWER OVER YOU. YOU ARE IN CHARGE AND NOBODY ELSE.

OK?

Peace out and much love, your pal, Ansapo  , aka Anne Silberman

❤️

Cell phone won’t text!

 And now I can’t text or read any messages. 

Black Mold Looks Better In The Shade

 Here is the inside of my closet today.  Somebody clearly wants me dead.  Did I mention I now have 8 rapidly growing new cancer tumors inside of my body?

Update: When I informed landlord about the mold this morning he said “we’re trying to keep you happy and have done what we can. Maybe it is time for you to move out.”. I tried to convey how dangerous this is and he shut me down and said again “Maybe you need to go.”

Hershey Medical Center is a Crime Syndicate!!!!

 https://www.pennstatehealth.org/locations/milton-s-hershey-medical-center

Here in Pennsylvania, it is legal for a medical group to allow a patient to see ONLY ONE provider within a medical system! This means that because I started my cancer treatment with the totally incompetent Dr. Kesterson at the Penn State Health's Hershey Medical Center, I am NOT ALLOWED BY THEM to switch providers within the same unit. I cannot choose to switch to a woman or a man who is non-white. They all cover each other's asses!!! This is what the mob does and is also what got Penn State's football program in such a mess - following the Sandusky child sex-abuse allegations. A systemic cover-up designed to aid the doctors and NOT the patients. Many of you are journalists and have media contacts. Please get this story out. My hands are tied. My insurance will not cover the other major health provider, the Geisinger health system, in this area. For me, it is Hershey or nothing.

Rigidity and Self-Loathing

 Well, he's done it again.

Kicked me to the curb after my spontanaity and freedom threatened his tightly controlled existence.

I wasn't planning on taking Baxter on a brief leash-free romp in the park when I arrived at his home to pick up some packages I'd had sent there. Baxter, my "former" (but promised would always be MY) dog was up for a weekly visit and he greeted me when I walked in, and I burst into tears. I haven't seen Baxter since October. I've never reacted to seeing him by crying, before. Nobody was there - not the son, who is now raising my boy, and not my friend - he was napping in his room. I sure wasn't planning any of it, but my sobs became uncontrollable and I decided to take Baxter for a walk - except there was no collar for me to hook his leash on. I put on my coat to leave and turned one more time to see my boy. But, because my arms were full of packages, I had to hold the door open a bit longer. And Baxter ran right out and to the tailgate of my truck. And I instinctively let him in the back. Once I got into the driver's seat, I thought - oh my god. What have I done? And then thought - well, maybe just a quick ride around the block. And then it occurred to me that the park was just 5 minutes away. So, I drove him to the park which was nearly deserted - only 1 person was out jogging. So, I let Baxter out (this was the only way we went for walks, in New Mexico - so much open space and an enormous dog park in Santa Fe) and he immediately ran to a bush and "did his business". I realized I hadn't thought to bring a poop bag - out of practice. Then he ran in the gloriously free way he used to, moving so swiftly I couldn't keep up. For about 5 minutes. And then I called him and turned around and he followed me back to the truck. We drove him back home and when I arrived, the son was still teaching a music lesson and my friend was still taking a nap. I patted Baxter on the head and this time my heart didn't break when I said goodbye.

Foolish me - I decided to tell my friend that his son didn't have to worry about Baxter needing to "go potty", as he'd just gone. And even stupider me, who answered truthfully, when my friend said "was he on the leash" and I answered "no". My friend then launched into an authoritarian tyrade that loudly condemned me for being reckless and then kept saying "DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR"? - like I was a very naughty child about to be spanked. He then forbade me from seeing Baxter "due to my reckless behavior". The fight continued until he accused me of being racist (??) and being a danger to him. He has cut me off completely and asked his "kids" - his "son" - protege student and "daughter" - wonderful young woman who does a multitude of things for him (and for me) to delete me from their phones and facebook messenger and to not respond to me if I call them. DOOR FIRMLY SLAMMED IN MY FACE.

Why was he so threatened by my "bad behavior" (spontaneous unsupervised off-leash run?) well, he says it is because I can't understand how much a brown person has to behave if he's not to be shot and killed in this town. This is a drastic and sudden turn-around from our regular conversations about race - where he told me that he "never feels any kind of racial tension and is always greeted with smiles whenever he is outside in his tunic". 

He's threatened by me because I hold a secret. I can live my life freely and without hesitation - not just because I am a white woman. But, because my wants and desires are socially acceptable in my society. He lives soley within his race. I was his only contact to the outside world. Not that people of his race don't live in the outside world, they certainly are a major part of it!! But his art form is a tradional Indian art and he has no desire to step outside of it. He is not evan a fan of modern music of his genre. It's his way or no way.

Also, he has given himself such a regimented schedule, that there is absolutely no time and space to give in to (what might be construed by an unenlightened population) his unnatural desires. He lives by the clock and has no idea how to live if he doesn't have a strict schedule of which to adhere. He hates himself and his desires and has built a cozy little prison for himself. Nothing new must ever penetrate it. 

I will be ostracized even further, by him, for posting this (he doesn't realize that only 10 or 12 people read this little blog - no matter what I tell him). I just want my friend to be free and happy and to stop controlling me, my dog and his wonderful, beautiful kids, whom I also miss very much. Loosen up. Be free. For god's sake. Be free.

Time's Up, I Guess.

 My body does not want me to live. Or somebody else wants me dead. 

I had to go to the emergency room last night, due to excruciating pain coming from my right shoulder. Beause of my Dacron aorta and pig aortic valve, I had to have a CT scan to see if my heart was OK. (shoulder pain could be the sign of a heart issue). Well, the heart is just fine.

But they found 2 lesions (tumors) on my LIVER. This could be from the endometrial cancer or it could be an over reaction to the horrible bovine toxin I was injected with 3 weeks ago. Either way, you mess with the liver and you are done.

I'm getting ready for my death. Who will deal with Purrcival, my sweet kitty? He is a WONDERFUL cat. The best kitty I've ever had. He even tops Saturn, because he is cuddly and lets me hold him. Here he is in his 7th grade class photo.

I refuse any and all chemotherapy. Every single person I've ever spoken to says that "It was so much worse than you can imagine, and given the choice, I would never go through it again". 

I have a couple of follow-up appointments at the cancer center next week and I will still see the acupuncturist and pursue Eastern medicine. 

I'm not afraid to die. I believe in reincarnation.

Go Fund Me - Please

Since my last BCG PREVENTATIVE treatment, 3 weeks ago, which was designed designed to strengthen my bladder, I have had next to no energy. I stay in bed or am on the couch all day and am, for the most part, ravenously hungry. These side effecs appeared 2 hours after the 3rd (of a proposed 6) treatments. Prior to that, I was feeling much stronger. My urologist and his nurses deny that my reactions are from the BCG and have badgered me to complete the course. I, however, know my body was telling me to STOP them!! I am now seeking acupuncture and chiropractic to get my body back into alignment and my first appointment is March 18th. My insurance will not cover this and I live on a fixed income. If there is any way to help me, by sharing this post and the Go Fund Me link on social media, and/or donating a few dollars, I am so grateful. Thank you so much in advance for your help. Much love to you all.

https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-anne-seek-alternative-healing?utm_source=customer&utm_medium=copy_link&utm_campaign=p_cf+share-flow-1

Robert Frost by Karrin Allyson

My friend has worked his ass off to create a life where he is free to compose music and write manuscripts and teach students. Because of the students he mentors, he never has to worry about paying his bills or even doing his taxes. He has somebody take care of that for him. If his refrigerator or toilet breaks, he texts a student and she does all of the research and follow-up needed, to ensure the proper person gets the job done. When a new bookshelf or chair arrives at his home, he doesn't put it together. It sits unassembled until one of his students puts it together. 

Back when the students lived with him, he never washed the dishes or cleaned the countertops. When it was dinnertime, he sat, regally, in his chair at the head of the table, while the students buzzed around him, serving him this and that, and cleared his plate when he finished. He now has my dog but he has NEVER ONCE taken him for a walk. However, it is he, who decides how and when Baxter should be walked. I can't imagine such a life. While I have benefited from the cadre of helpful students (who, to be fair, are wonderful people - as is my friend), I can't imagine how I could ever be comfortable living his life. I handle and pay my own bills - or delay them if I can't afford them that month. It is the most bizzare life I've ever seen. It works for him and he used to be a caregiver for his mother, so I know he's paid his dues. But, I am jealous of his ability to wave off the unpleasant tasks. Just like the author of this song feels about the poet, Robert Frost. Karrin Allyson does a beautiful job with this and conveys my frustration very well.

 

Three New Paintings

 My subconscious has been hard at work, dealing with recent events. I am finding my artwork is the creative manifestation of difficult times. Here are the last 3 paintings:

"Half As Many Luftballons" (pun from the German song, "99 Luftballons"

(I have been feeling light and floaty and unteathered, recently.)

"Lets Focus on the Here and Now" 

(Clearly I'm not finished processing my radiation and cancer treatments. The 'circus area' is framing a giant 'eye' beam of radiation, and the hard saw teeth of pain remain, but not as prominent.)

"What Divides Us"

(Just had a big fight with a friend and race and class seem to be dividing issues.)

Wonder what will pop up next?