Rigidity and Self-Loathing

 Well, he's done it again.

Kicked me to the curb after my spontanaity and freedom threatened his tightly controlled existence.

I wasn't planning on taking Baxter on a brief leash-free romp in the park when I arrived at his home to pick up some packages I'd had sent there. Baxter, my "former" (but promised would always be MY) dog was up for a weekly visit and he greeted me when I walked in, and I burst into tears. I haven't seen Baxter since October. I've never reacted to seeing him by crying, before. Nobody was there - not the son, who is now raising my boy, and not my friend - he was napping in his room. I sure wasn't planning any of it, but my sobs became uncontrollable and I decided to take Baxter for a walk - except there was no collar for me to hook his leash on. I put on my coat to leave and turned one more time to see my boy. But, because my arms were full of packages, I had to hold the door open a bit longer. And Baxter ran right out and to the tailgate of my truck. And I instinctively let him in the back. Once I got into the driver's seat, I thought - oh my god. What have I done? And then thought - well, maybe just a quick ride around the block. And then it occurred to me that the park was just 5 minutes away. So, I drove him to the park which was nearly deserted - only 1 person was out jogging. So, I let Baxter out (this was the only way we went for walks, in New Mexico - so much open space and an enormous dog park in Santa Fe) and he immediately ran to a bush and "did his business". I realized I hadn't thought to bring a poop bag - out of practice. Then he ran in the gloriously free way he used to, moving so swiftly I couldn't keep up. For about 5 minutes. And then I called him and turned around and he followed me back to the truck. We drove him back home and when I arrived, the son was still teaching a music lesson and my friend was still taking a nap. I patted Baxter on the head and this time my heart didn't break when I said goodbye.

Foolish me - I decided to tell my friend that his son didn't have to worry about Baxter needing to "go potty", as he'd just gone. And even stupider me, who answered truthfully, when my friend said "was he on the leash" and I answered "no". My friend then launched into an authoritarian tyrade that loudly condemned me for being reckless and then kept saying "DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR"? - like I was a very naughty child about to be spanked. He then forbade me from seeing Baxter "due to my reckless behavior". The fight continued until he accused me of being racist (??) and being a danger to him. He has cut me off completely and asked his "kids" - his "son" - protege student and "daughter" - wonderful young woman who does a multitude of things for him (and for me) to delete me from their phones and facebook messenger and to not respond to me if I call them. DOOR FIRMLY SLAMMED IN MY FACE.

Why was he so threatened by my "bad behavior" (spontaneous unsupervised off-leash run?) well, he says it is because I can't understand how much a brown person has to behave if he's not to be shot and killed in this town. This is a drastic and sudden turn-around from our regular conversations about race - where he told me that he "never feels any kind of racial tension and is always greeted with smiles whenever he is outside in his tunic". 

He's threatened by me because I hold a secret. I can live my life freely and without hesitation - not just because I am a white woman. But, because my wants and desires are socially acceptable in my society. He lives soley within his race. I was his only contact to the outside world. Not that people of his race don't live in the outside world, they certainly are a major part of it!! But his art form is a tradional Indian art and he has no desire to step outside of it. He is not evan a fan of modern music of his genre. It's his way or no way.

Also, he has given himself such a regimented schedule, that there is absolutely no time and space to give in to (what might be construed by an unenlightened population) his unnatural desires. He lives by the clock and has no idea how to live if he doesn't have a strict schedule of which to adhere. He hates himself and his desires and has built a cozy little prison for himself. Nothing new must ever penetrate it. 

I will be ostracized even further, by him, for posting this (he doesn't realize that only 10 or 12 people read this little blog - no matter what I tell him). I just want my friend to be free and happy and to stop controlling me, my dog and his wonderful, beautiful kids, whom I also miss very much. Loosen up. Be free. For god's sake. Be free.