Acupuncture Meditations

Seattle is lucky enough to have a low-cost community acupuncture facility called "Communi-Chi". The place is run by a wonderful man named Jordan, who has the patients sit in a large room, filled with recliner chairs. Needles are stuck in the head, arms, legs, hands and feet. Sometimes, I am the only person in the big room during my treatment. More often than not, there are one or two others there with me.

The room has big windows and is kept warm enough so that you don't need a blanket while having your treatment.

I have been having the most wonderful and fulfilling meditations, while I rest and let the needles do their work. One of the best things my mother ever did was to have her daughters learn Transcendental Meditation, when we were teenagers. I believe I was 14 or 15 years old when I got my mantra. My sisters and I learned the technique and we all still practice. While I know I need more discipline (and a quiet place to sit) and should be doing it twice daily, at least I always meditate during acupuncture.

Recently, I felt myself leave my body and hover above it for several minutes. This is only the second time I can remember experiencing that. It is an incredibly freeing feeling. My entire field of vision is expanded - seeing with the mind, instead of the eyes. The only other time I can remember this happening was back in the early 1980's, in the parking lot of an enormous mall called Park City, in Lancaster, PA. My sister and her husband had gone inside for a while and I was meditating in the Volkswagen. I distinctly remember being above the car, and watching them as they strolled from the Mall entrance back to the car. When they opened the door, I had the abrupt sensation of coming back into my body. When I opened my eyes, my field of vision seemed incredibly narrow. The interior of the vehicle and the interior of my own body were blocking part of the world.

I do not remember going back into my body during my acupuncture meditation, however. It must have happened gradually. Last week, for several minutes, however, I had the sensation of being bathed in golden light. I may have been sitting in a vinyl Lazy-Boy surrounded by Asian women, but in my mind, I was alone, surrounded by a golden field and watching a radiant sun. I felt only peace and contentment.

Perhaps the acupuncture needles align my chi and allow these powerful meditations to occur. I feel very safe in that room, during my treatments. Safer than I feel most other times in my life, right now. So many changes recently - my life is stable at the moment, yet very much up-in-the-air.

These meditations are providing me with much-needed nourishment and I am very grateful for Jordan and Communi-chi.

At LAST!!!

Finally.

And so, Gino and I finally met, in person, after his concert in Portland on Wednesday, October 20th. I think we look really good together - don't you?

The concert was held in a sweet little venue, the Alberta Rose Theater, on Alberta Street. Just up the road from the Radio Room, the home of the Art-O-Mat machine. Coincidence? There have been SO MANY coincidences. I doubt it was a coincidence.

The Alberta Rose theater has maybe 300 seats and at least 20 of them were empty. I could not believe people were not climbing the rafters to see Gino Vannelli perform. I mean, it's Gino Vannelli, for God's sake! The man whose music and presense has occupied most of my thoughts for the past 6 months.

Julie and I sat in the 2nd row, just to the right of center stage. It is where I'd always imagined I would sit at his concert. When we sat down, the woman seated next to us said "Are you from Seattle?" - I said "Why? Do we look strange?" And I forget what her response was. I then asked her if she'd been to many of Gino's concerts and she said she'd seen a few but that her friend had followed him "since the beginning of time". Odd, I thought.

The show began right on time, at 8pm. I had to take a couple of Rescue Remedy tablets as I was so nervous to finally see him. Prior to the show, I stiffened my resolve with a gin and grapefruit juice (surprisigly refreshing - you must try it!)

And WHAT A SHOW!!! The band was absolutely amazing. The musicians were so tight and so well rehearsed. And, this is rhythmically complicated music. Rock-funk-jazz fusion. That drummer! That guitarist! And Gino's voice. Too good. Did not even sound human it was so beautiful. I just about fell out of my chair when the second song of the night started. "Stay With Me" - this song has tremendous personal meaning to me for reasons I can't go into in this blog. But, lets just say that my Gino looks so hot on that YouTube video it always brings a flush to my cheeks. I grabbed my heart several times when I felt his voice resonate with my soul, during Living Inside Myself and It Hurts to be In Love. Gino moved like a dream on those very skinny legs of his. I was surprised he kept his jacket buttoned up the whole night. 'Cuz his chest is not so skinny. Man has a very nice torso.

I wanted to stand and dance the entire night, but I was very conscious that others in the crowd were just sitting still. I didn't want to block their view. But I was so compelled to move like a heathen that I wound up gyrating in my seat and waving my hands in the air and playing my air trap set. I'm sure I looked like a wack job.

I kept hoping Gino would catch my eye, since we were seated so close to the stage (maybe 10 or 12 feet away?). It only happened one time - at the very end of I Just Wanna Stop (When I think about those nights in Montreal...)And our eyes locked for only a split second. But it felt like fire, when it happened.

And now, I can say we've met. It was not everything I had hoped it would be. The moment I have been dreaming about for what seems like ages. But, it is a start. I don't know what will happen next.

But, I think we look GREAT together.

Missing Chester

My sweet, departed kitty, Chester, has been on my mind lately.

Of all the things I've lost recently, he is the one I miss the most. I do miss making a regular salary, of course. I miss doing a job that I loved and living in a neighborhood where I felt I belonged. I miss being a contributing member of society (well, maybe that is a stretch). But, I miss those sweet green eyes and puffy paws and long silky fur, most of all.

I miss Chester's sweet tiny meow and the way he'd look into my eyes. I miss his soft purr and the way he stood on his back feet while reaching for his feather toy. I miss the way he scratched on his post and tore up the carpet on the floor. I even miss being meowed awake at 6am in order to put food in his little fish-decorated ceramic bowl.

Mostly, though, I miss cradling him in my arms. I've never had a cat let me just pick him up and hold him like a baby before. Chester and I would cuddle for hours. I'd lay on the couch and he'd climb up on my chest, nestling his head under my chin. He loved having his cheeks rubbed and his upper chest massaged.

Chester, I hope you're out there someplace being loved by someone who cares for you as much as I did. I'm so very, very sorry I had to take you on the road with me. I know you hated it and I don't blame you for running away. I wish I could have found a different solution. I wish we were still together.

Shunned

I've been processing this in my sleep for several hours. This blog might not be insightful or profound. I think this one is more of a diary entry.

Several months ago, I had my heart severely broken by a "former friend", who was so devastated that I mentioned he was a "deeply closeted gay man" - although I did not say his name - in this blog, that he sent me vicious and hurtful emails and completely cut me out of his life.

At the time I wrote those words, I could not see what I did as harmful. In my world, being gay is a non-issue. I have had numerous wonderful gay friends my entire life. Some people are gay, some people are strait, some people are transgendered. But maybe for someone who fears his life and livelihood would be endangered if he revealed himself, it was the most egregious and vitriolic thing I could have ever done to him.

He has lived a lie for 38 years - well, probably more like 28 years when you take childhood into account. His whole world has been carefully spun, thread-by-thread, into a cocoon of protection, preventing anyone from ever fully penetrating his shell. I thought we were the closest of companions. He was one of the most wonderful friends I have ever, ever had. We would laugh for hours on end when we were together. He held the dearest part of me and made me feel truly cared for and loved. His words and actions were nothing but kind and loving towards me. I know I treated him the same way.

Yet, I knew that there was also something amiss. I watched friendship after friendship melt away from him when someone said or did the "wrong thing". I would chat with him for hours, online, as he processed these sudden betrayals. I tried to understand and be sympathetic but could not comprehend how he could have the tremendous bad luck to find so many people who would want to do him harm. He explained that it was because he is a music promoter and singer and musician of clout (in a niche world), and must deal with people with "artistic personalities" who want to use him to get ahead in their careers.

I started feeling trepidation when he offered me a place to stay a couple of years ago. I kept those broken friendships in the back of my mind and feared that, if we became too close, ours might end on a bitter note, as well. I declined his kind offer, even though it might have been a short-term solution for me during a desperate time. I felt it was more important to preserve the friendship than to live rent-free for a few months.

I'm re-hashing all of this because of what happened tonight. I bought a ticket and was waiting for the doors to open for a concert. The performer was a magnificent singer who I had the pleasure of studying with, briefly, 4 years ago. I knew my former friend would probably be at the same concert, but my desire to hear this music was so strong I felt that a possible confrontation with him was worth the risk. I processed what would probably happen, when we met, over and over. I prepared myself for his coolness.

But, what I did not prepare myself for was being shunned and ignored. Somehow, I did not expect him to stare straight ahead and not even acknowledge my presence as he walked by. He did not even nod to me, as he passed. My thoughts left my mouth at that point "You don't have to be such an asshole - you could at least nod your head at me". I got so angry and wanted to slap him. But I did not. And I wasted $20, because at that moment, I realized I could not attend the concert. To me, it was the worst thing he could have possibly done and all I could think about were the mutual acquaintances who might want to talk to both of us, at the same time. I thought about how, since he has a place of position in this community, I might have to avoid him and would spend more time doing that than listening to the music.

And then I ran outside and cried for about a half hour. And came home and went straight to bed. I feel my heart shutting down again and I don't want that to happen. I hope it won't do it on its own. I felt like dying. I will probably never recover from the loss of this friendship. I suppose I keep hoping he will let bygones be bygones. I have to accept that this will not happen and somehow, go on with my life.