Shunned

I've been processing this in my sleep for several hours. This blog might not be insightful or profound. I think this one is more of a diary entry.

Several months ago, I had my heart severely broken by a "former friend", who was so devastated that I mentioned he was a "deeply closeted gay man" - although I did not say his name - in this blog, that he sent me vicious and hurtful emails and completely cut me out of his life.

At the time I wrote those words, I could not see what I did as harmful. In my world, being gay is a non-issue. I have had numerous wonderful gay friends my entire life. Some people are gay, some people are strait, some people are transgendered. But maybe for someone who fears his life and livelihood would be endangered if he revealed himself, it was the most egregious and vitriolic thing I could have ever done to him.

He has lived a lie for 38 years - well, probably more like 28 years when you take childhood into account. His whole world has been carefully spun, thread-by-thread, into a cocoon of protection, preventing anyone from ever fully penetrating his shell. I thought we were the closest of companions. He was one of the most wonderful friends I have ever, ever had. We would laugh for hours on end when we were together. He held the dearest part of me and made me feel truly cared for and loved. His words and actions were nothing but kind and loving towards me. I know I treated him the same way.

Yet, I knew that there was also something amiss. I watched friendship after friendship melt away from him when someone said or did the "wrong thing". I would chat with him for hours, online, as he processed these sudden betrayals. I tried to understand and be sympathetic but could not comprehend how he could have the tremendous bad luck to find so many people who would want to do him harm. He explained that it was because he is a music promoter and singer and musician of clout (in a niche world), and must deal with people with "artistic personalities" who want to use him to get ahead in their careers.

I started feeling trepidation when he offered me a place to stay a couple of years ago. I kept those broken friendships in the back of my mind and feared that, if we became too close, ours might end on a bitter note, as well. I declined his kind offer, even though it might have been a short-term solution for me during a desperate time. I felt it was more important to preserve the friendship than to live rent-free for a few months.

I'm re-hashing all of this because of what happened tonight. I bought a ticket and was waiting for the doors to open for a concert. The performer was a magnificent singer who I had the pleasure of studying with, briefly, 4 years ago. I knew my former friend would probably be at the same concert, but my desire to hear this music was so strong I felt that a possible confrontation with him was worth the risk. I processed what would probably happen, when we met, over and over. I prepared myself for his coolness.

But, what I did not prepare myself for was being shunned and ignored. Somehow, I did not expect him to stare straight ahead and not even acknowledge my presence as he walked by. He did not even nod to me, as he passed. My thoughts left my mouth at that point "You don't have to be such an asshole - you could at least nod your head at me". I got so angry and wanted to slap him. But I did not. And I wasted $20, because at that moment, I realized I could not attend the concert. To me, it was the worst thing he could have possibly done and all I could think about were the mutual acquaintances who might want to talk to both of us, at the same time. I thought about how, since he has a place of position in this community, I might have to avoid him and would spend more time doing that than listening to the music.

And then I ran outside and cried for about a half hour. And came home and went straight to bed. I feel my heart shutting down again and I don't want that to happen. I hope it won't do it on its own. I felt like dying. I will probably never recover from the loss of this friendship. I suppose I keep hoping he will let bygones be bygones. I have to accept that this will not happen and somehow, go on with my life.