People Who Need People...

I have to write this lesson down before I forget it.

I have been a very independent, capable yet very lonely lady most of my life. Until today, I didn't know why I have been so lonely.

My sisters and I were raised by a mother who always criticized her children when they needed her help. Many times we were punished (or hit) for not knowing how to open a jar or operate the vacuum cleaner or whatever else she was too irritated to explain to her daughters. One of mom's favorite phrases was "figure it out".

So, we were raised to not ask for assistance. We learned that either we "figured it out" or it didn't get done. In adulthood, this has translated into a fierce independence, for my sisters and I. I think all of us feel ashamed of ourselves when we are vulnerable. For me this has translated into a real difficulty making friends and an even greater difficulty in meeting potential romantic partners.

It is not surprising that when I feel myself falling for a guy, I immediately start to feel some self-loathing. There is terrific vulnerability in romantic attraction. It leaves you wide open for rejection. In fact, it was quite common when I was growing up, to shut down when mom wanted a hug from me. If I let her see how much I needed her, I would be shunned. Only when I withheld affection could I feel powerful.

While I've needed and received assistance from friends and my sisters throughout my life, it was always accompanied by a strong sense of self-reproach.

This past week I have had to get rid of most of my possessions. I've done it via "Freecycle.org", a message board that pairs up those who need stuff with those who have it to give away. I can't get over how many great people I've met! I've also needed an acquaintance from college, another adult student, to take and store some of my things. Today, she came over with her husband to load up their pick-up with my furniture. They're such a wonderful couple! She needed some furniture, I needed someone to pick up and store my armoire and we were able to meet each others needs! There was no guilt or shame involved.

I finally understand what Barbra Streisand was singing about.

Give It Away Now, Give It Away Now!

I keep hearing that old Red Hot Chili Pepper's song in my head. "What I got I wanna give it to your mama...etc" (but I doubt they were singing about used furniture.)

I have not been able to find a cost-effective way to move (or drag)all my stuff back to Seattle. So, I've joined up with Freecycle.org. That is an online community dedicated to recycling stuff from one person to another. Why buy new stuff or send it to the landfill when there are people out there who either want to get rid of it or who need it?

I totally support the Karma of give-aways, even though it is VERY SCARY giving away all of my stuff. Really, really terrifying. Part of me feels like I'll never get anything back again. Another part of me feels like I must be ungrateful for what I have. But, I feel good when I see the happy faces of the people getting my stuff.

Today a lady picked up my plant stand and another woman picked up some old blankets and comforters. Tomorrow my microwave cart, ironing board, TV and CD player will be gone.

Also today I mailed in my application for graduate school. Big day. Big uncertain day. Crossing my fingers that I get into the grad program.

I'm exhausted and my nose is bleeding (I've probably got high blood pressure due to all of my stress)Or else it is bleeding from dry, polluted air.

And, the cats know something is up. They won't like loosing their comfy spots for napping. Hope they enjoy the backseat of a Nissan Sentra. A tiny Nissan Sentra for 3,000 miles.

Farewell Good Citizens. My Work Here is Finished!

I WON!!!

Three posts ago, (Why Do I Even Bother?) I lamented the insults perpetrated on me by the editor of Yes! Weekly and felt disgusted and demoralized.

Well, as of the latest issue published today, November 9th 2005, the weekly magazine no longer features any mention of "Yes! Girls"!!!!! There isn't a single trace of the sexist advertising campaign!

They may have insulted me in print but in the end, I got the moral victory! It is clear my letter must have prompted discussion in their offices. Also, I am aware of at least one letter written in my defense. Perhaps there were more? None of these letters made it in the magazine, however.

Yes, my work here in this backwater North Carolina town is through. I have prompted discussions on sexism, religion and freedom of speech. Parrhesia*, even in a town like this, is alive and well!


* Parrhesia - the open discussion of ideas that go against the popular opinion. (the word was first used by Plato - the concept of parrhesia is NOT allowed in the Bush administration)

Closure

Those who know me are aware that my only task at work, for the last month, has been removing staples from thousands of students' folders and shredding the unnecessary documents for their records.

Well, as it turns out, the very last box of student files I remove
staples from will be the box containing my student file.

I am removing the staples and shredding the unneeded information from my own records. There's something poetic in that. Finally, closure on
my undergraduate education.

Shredding my Adulthood

Sorry I haven't posted in a while.

I'm busy purging and packing and shredding in preparation for my move back across the country. I'm moving back to Seattle and applying to graduate school for ethnomusicology.

No guarantees I'll get in.

In fact, there are no guarantees about much in my life these days. My stuff is (might?) be moved by a "friend-of-a-friend" who owns his own tractor-trailer. But, I've yet to talk to this guy (who's name is Henry). All I know is that he's a friend of my friend, Marsha, and according to Henry's wife, he's up for the plan. I'm putting a LOT of faith in this. I don't usually (ever?)operate this way.

But, even when I've tried to have a plan and have moved in a straight line, somehow my path veered off course. I've never been one to walk the straight and narrow, even when I search for stability.

Last night I spent 5 HOURS shredding bank records, cancelled checks, car and house insurance forms, credit card bills and promotions and other miscellaneous stuff. I realized I was putting the record of my adulthood to rest. I was getting rid of history.

Here are some of the things I shredded:

1. A rent check to my landlord for $225 a month! (wish I could pay that again!)

2. A $25 donation to "Hands Across America" from 1986. Remember that? The whole country was supposed to join hands and have a human chain spread from coast-to-coast. I forget why, however.

3. A $15 donation to "The Friends of Forest Park". This was an organization headed by this guy I was nuts for, John Malack. Forest Park was an old-timey amusement park near Philadelphia. I wonder if he saved it? Wonder how he's doing?

4. Checks made out to Art/Not Terminal gallery for "hanging fees" for paintings I used to display at the artist-run gallery.

5. The bill of sale for the very first new car I ever bought.

6. A letter from my old High School School District, saying I owed them back taxes from the years 1985, 86 and 87. They sent back the evidence I mailed to them, where I copied old bank records from those years that clearly showed my address to be in different cities and states. According to the school district, my bank records were from the "wrong months" in those years!!

And, lots of cancelled checks to credit cards and department stores and craft shops for lots of clothing, arts and crafts and jewelry that I "just had to have" at the time. Stuff I've long forgotten about or thrown away or given as gifts.

Maybe I didn't really need it after all? That's what I'm thinking, anyway, as I throw out or donate bags and bags of old clothing and nick knacks and other crap. I don't want to drag it back across the country with me as I start my life over again.