People Who Need People...

I have to write this lesson down before I forget it.

I have been a very independent, capable yet very lonely lady most of my life. Until today, I didn't know why I have been so lonely.

My sisters and I were raised by a mother who always criticized her children when they needed her help. Many times we were punished (or hit) for not knowing how to open a jar or operate the vacuum cleaner or whatever else she was too irritated to explain to her daughters. One of mom's favorite phrases was "figure it out".

So, we were raised to not ask for assistance. We learned that either we "figured it out" or it didn't get done. In adulthood, this has translated into a fierce independence, for my sisters and I. I think all of us feel ashamed of ourselves when we are vulnerable. For me this has translated into a real difficulty making friends and an even greater difficulty in meeting potential romantic partners.

It is not surprising that when I feel myself falling for a guy, I immediately start to feel some self-loathing. There is terrific vulnerability in romantic attraction. It leaves you wide open for rejection. In fact, it was quite common when I was growing up, to shut down when mom wanted a hug from me. If I let her see how much I needed her, I would be shunned. Only when I withheld affection could I feel powerful.

While I've needed and received assistance from friends and my sisters throughout my life, it was always accompanied by a strong sense of self-reproach.

This past week I have had to get rid of most of my possessions. I've done it via "Freecycle.org", a message board that pairs up those who need stuff with those who have it to give away. I can't get over how many great people I've met! I've also needed an acquaintance from college, another adult student, to take and store some of my things. Today, she came over with her husband to load up their pick-up with my furniture. They're such a wonderful couple! She needed some furniture, I needed someone to pick up and store my armoire and we were able to meet each others needs! There was no guilt or shame involved.

I finally understand what Barbra Streisand was singing about.