Wednesday, October 30, 2019

Twitchy Eyebrow

First the good news - Baxter is MUCH improved. Almost 100% cured. And I'm able to get him to swallow his medicine by tucking the 1/2 or 1/4 pills into wet food and mixing it with kernals. Just got word I have to re-submit all of the paperwork to the dog insurance company, hoping they will cover a good portion of the nearly $4 thousand dollar vet bills.

But, he was really sick for almost 12 days, and that, on top of my traumatic-dramatic relocation has left some residual side-effects. PTSD, I know.

Some of the PTSD is because of familiar scenery. I know I'm about 95 miles - a good hour and a half drive from where I grew up, but seeing the rolling hills - beautiful as they are, covered in fall colors - causes stress, too. Memories buried deep down of past abuses, of hiding in closets, of enduring bullying and humiliating comments about my body from my peers, mother and great aunt. Forgive me if I can't trust yet. Or ever.

However, my right eyelid keeps twitching - especially when I'm driving my truck. But even now, as I type this, I keep raising my brow to stop the annoying flickering. Came within INCHES of running into a white van, that had stopped in traffic, because I was distracted by the twitch and had glanced into the rear view mirror to see if it was noticeable. I have this place all to myself for another 21 days. I sure hope this tic ends by then.

I wince when I pass stone buildings that look familiar. When I see the Giant grocery store and when I pass that blue insignia for Pennsylvania car and truck inspections. My last stay in this state did not end well, either, in 2012. As grateful as I was, to my old friend, for a place to stay when mother kicked me out, I was so offended by her religion's hypocricy, I ruined that friendship when I wrote in this blog her autistic son was difficult to handle. And, I was mistreated by insurance company job coworkers and totally lost my cool, blew up and scared people. I abruptly left when the moldy boxes were opened. I am terrified I'll screw things up again. And I'm terrified things will work out, too, and I'll once again be trapped in Pennsylvania. It only seems like being trapped, and nothing else, right now.

The expensive cars in this neighborhood stress me out. The Audis, Mercedes, Lexuses (Lexi?) etc. The fancy golf courses. The privileged alumni who gather for football games anger me. Many of them own homes here JUST for football season, and leave the places vacant the rest of the year. WTF? I'll complain about anything, I guess. Nothing is familiar and everything is. I am grateful and I am resentful. I seriously contemplated suicide late last week when my friend told me two other people would be staying here in the house with us, in December. I didn't think I could stand it. I hate myself and protect myself - protect my anxiety.

It is going to take a while to process everything that's happened during this move. During this year. During last year. Maybe I'll never process it all. Maybe I'll forget. And maybe THEN my eyebrow will stop twitching.


Thursday, October 24, 2019

Sick Puppy



It was a very long, arduous journey from New Mexico back to Pennsylvania. And I wasn't looking forward to it. Having no other place to go, and unable to find an affordable, safe, dog-friendly apartment in the 30-days stipulated by EVIL landlady's eviction, I had no other choice.

2 or 3 days before the trip began, the back window of the truck's 'camper shell' or 'topper' broke, when I accidentally hit the apartment's roof, while backing up with the window raised. There was no way to get a replacement in time for my move. So, the truck bed, which held my luggage and laundry and Baxter, was no longer water-tight. 

We spent the night in Amarillo, TX, without a problem. In Oklahoma City, Expedia sent me to the crack den or meth house (what the kids use these days) capital of the town We spent the night behind closed and locked doors. I feared for the truck. After a detour to Pawhuska, OK to see TV's Pioneer Women's enterprises and eat her pizza, we landed in Joplin, MO for a night. The next morning I treated my dog, Baxter, to a piece of free breakfast sausage. It is so exhausting hauling a truckload of luggage and cooking supplies and dog supplies into and out of a truck, with a rambunctious dog in tow. He won't sit peacefully in the room, but instead whines and cries and scratches at the door. He will behave in the back of the truck - aka his "rolling crate".  We only traveled 30 or so miles the next day. I was just too tired and there was a sign on the road for a Freddy's Steakburgers - the only fast food place I like (and their food is delicious!). Checked out a wonderful artisan chocolateir in town, Askinosie Chocolate. Then, checked in early to the Red Roof Inn. Within a couple of hours, Baxter started to violently throw up every few hours. At first, I let him clean it up himself, but then, it became ridiculous and I decided to wipe it all up so he wouldn't keep making himself sick. Something nasty was in it. 12 days later, Walmart has recalled their breakfast sausage for salmonella poisoning. Pretty sure the treat I gave Baxter in Joplin made him sick. 

After Springfield, the rains started in earnest. I pressed on, hoping my fears of a wet truck bed were unfounded. White-knuckling it through the busy rush hour in St. Louis and arriving at my girlhood hometown of Decatur, IL, many hours later, wore me out so much, we decided to spend 3 nights instead of 2, there. My arrival in Pennsylvania had to be postponed due to the guest-and-performance schedule of my dear kind friend. He runs a school of Hindustani music (Indian music) and had performing artists staying in his home. So, I drove around memory lane, after recovering from the drive. I slept in, and so did Baxter. That first night, I was awakened by 2 police women at my door. I was told somebody thought there were "issues with me" and asked if I'd arrived "with a black man" ?? I don't know who did this, and when I called the police station 2 days later, they had no record of the cops being sent to my room!!! Pretty sure I didn't make it up. 

Following Decatur, we got trapped in a big traffic jam outside of Indianapolis. The next night was spent only 25 miles away from that backup. So exhausting - and the volume of the nearby truck engines was so loud I feared for my dog's hearing. At the Quality Inn, Baxter ran unteathered, in a huge field behind the motel and explored a bunny burrow. He had to back out of it, so not sure what he saw inside. We drove on to Cleveland, OH, where an old friend from my 2000 college days let me sleep in her un-rented downstairs apartment. Also unfurnished, so I had to completely clear out the back of the truck in order to drag the full-size futon that Baxter had been enjoying, up the 7 or 8 stairs into the apartment, to use as a bed. That ordeal exhausted me so much we stayed for 2 nights. I saw some old friends was able to do 2 big loads of laundry, thank god, and mostly had a lovely time. Baxter, however, was pretty lethargic. I was forced to leave at 8am on the 16th, to accommodate my old friend's work schedule - she didn't like the idea of me leaving a few hours after she left for work. So, I had to single-handedly drag the very heavy full-size futon back to the truck and load it, and all of my luggage and supplies starting at 6am in the driving rain. The rain didn't stop and got much worse during the day of travel. The back of the truck - futon, blankets, laundry and Baxter, were soaking wet when I arrived in State College, PA.

That night, Baxter seemed very lethargic. He wouldn't eat or drink. The next night, he seemed worse and my friends and I took him to the late-night emergency vet, where they couldn't find a cause, but said his white blood count was very elevated. With no diagnosis, we were sent home with medication and a sick puppy, a few hours later. I couldn't get him to take his meds, he cowered away from me, he refused all food and water. Finally, one of my friends was able to get him to lick ice cubes from her hand. So, that was all he would eat for the next 2 days. On Sunday, he was so weakened, I took him back to the emergency veterinary clinic - where we had to wait for 3 hours before being seen. Baxter worsened in those hours. His bright red eyes were runny and he had no energy at all. We were told he had pneumonia and pancreatitis and a "fever of unknown origin". He spent the next 2 nights at the emergency vet, taking in fluids and intravenous protein and medication. We transferred Baxter to a regular vet hospital on Tuesday morning and yesterday, picked him up again, sent home with medication. He refused all of the meds and I tried everything. Peanut butter, crushing the pills into chicken or other wet food, pill injectors, nothing worked and he wasn't improving. So, back to the vet. They got the medications into him via injections and via a catheter. However, there may be a blockage in his stomach. So, this is where we are today. I have to bring him back in, for an ultrasound this afternoon. The dirty word, "cancer" was mentioned. 

But, I did get him to take pills early this morning, in some wet food with the pills whole, tucked inside. He won't drink water again. So, I'll update this, when I know more. He does seem a bit perkier this morning.

UPDATE: His ultrasound was very good but chest x-rays show lung congestion - and he refused medication tonight. We try again tomorrow. 

Wednesday, October 16, 2019

Another 2000 Miles

So, here I am, back across the country again. Being cared for by a very kind and generous friend.

Trying to be positive but it has all been so much. The serious illnesses, (of last year), the efforts of moving, the uprooting by a crazy landlady. The driving and packing, schlepping in and hauling out of my truck every night and morning.

And then today,  having to single-handedly unload and re-load my truck bed of everything for a 2 night stay, including the heavy full-size futon up and down stairs. Didn't I have 2 open heart surgeries? Other 58 year old women don't live like this.

What was Sojourner Truth's famous "Ain't I a Woman" speech? It was all about the hard labor and life of a black woman, in comparison to that of a white woman, who was treated like a delicate creature. I could relate to Sojourner's side, during this past unbelievable month of hard labor and trauma.

Hell. Did you know I went to London September 3rd - 11th? I haven't even processed that trip yet. Have been in crisis-mode, since I returned, after my life was blown up. I'm away from crazy, evil Jewel now. The landlady from hell. Just wanted to write something here as an update. I know this is barely coherent.

More later