Twitchy Eyebrow

First the good news - Baxter is MUCH improved. Almost 100% cured. And I'm able to get him to swallow his medicine by tucking the 1/2 or 1/4 pills into wet food and mixing it with kernals. Just got word I have to re-submit all of the paperwork to the dog insurance company, hoping they will cover a good portion of the nearly $4 thousand dollar vet bills.

But, he was really sick for almost 12 days, and that, on top of my traumatic-dramatic relocation has left some residual side-effects. PTSD, I know.

Some of the PTSD is because of familiar scenery. I know I'm about 95 miles - a good hour and a half drive from where I grew up, but seeing the rolling hills - beautiful as they are, covered in fall colors - causes stress, too. Memories buried deep down of past abuses, of hiding in closets, of enduring bullying and humiliating comments about my body from my peers, mother and great aunt. Forgive me if I can't trust yet. Or ever.

However, my right eyelid keeps twitching - especially when I'm driving my truck. But even now, as I type this, I keep raising my brow to stop the annoying flickering. Came within INCHES of running into a white van, that had stopped in traffic, because I was distracted by the twitch and had glanced into the rear view mirror to see if it was noticeable. I have this place all to myself for another 21 days. I sure hope this tic ends by then.

I wince when I pass stone buildings that look familiar. When I see the Giant grocery store and when I pass that blue insignia for Pennsylvania car and truck inspections. My last stay in this state did not end well, either, in 2012. As grateful as I was, to my old friend, for a place to stay when mother kicked me out, I was so offended by her religion's hypocricy, I ruined that friendship when I wrote in this blog her autistic son was difficult to handle. And, I was mistreated by insurance company job coworkers and totally lost my cool, blew up and scared people. I abruptly left when the moldy boxes were opened. I am terrified I'll screw things up again. And I'm terrified things will work out, too, and I'll once again be trapped in Pennsylvania. It only seems like being trapped, and nothing else, right now.

The expensive cars in this neighborhood stress me out. The Audis, Mercedes, Lexuses (Lexi?) etc. The fancy golf courses. The privileged alumni who gather for football games anger me. Many of them own homes here JUST for football season, and leave the places vacant the rest of the year. WTF? I'll complain about anything, I guess. Nothing is familiar and everything is. I am grateful and I am resentful. I seriously contemplated suicide late last week when my friend told me two other people would be staying here in the house with us, in December. I didn't think I could stand it. I hate myself and protect myself - protect my anxiety.

It is going to take a while to process everything that's happened during this move. During this year. During last year. Maybe I'll never process it all. Maybe I'll forget. And maybe THEN my eyebrow will stop twitching.