In a Fallow Mood

I think I'm in one of my "fallow" periods - what I call a time of blankness and mental dullness. I feel like I'm waiting for a new inspiration or burst of energy or insight before I can move again. I am writing today's blog, just to keep in practice. Don't expect brilliance.

Time moves much slower, in this town. Time also crawls when one is not working or mentally engaged in a project. Right now, I feel like I could strap a saddle on an iceberg and take it for a brisk ride. Did that image make sense? I'm not sure. Perhaps I'm spending way too much time alone. Perhaps I am scared. I am, after all, in a new place and navigating my way with very limited resources.

Here's what I've been doing to keep busy: Have kept up my singing - going to the bi-weekly jazz jam sessions (but I didn't feel great about my voice or song choices last time) and interspersing that with the "hippie" free jam sessions on alternate weeks. I have started taking walks and hiking in the land behind my house - one of these days I'll make it all the way to the top of the hill in the distance. A couple of days ago, I attended a Shiva Lingum  (sp?) festival at the local ashram and learned a little about Ram Das, Krishna Das and that culture. I am pretty sure that half the town showed up for that festival - hey, free chai! I keep trying to start an Amy Tan book but keep stopping after the 10th page or so. I need a new book. I should join the library. I cook. I eat. I have drastically reduced my sugar intake for the time being. I think I am feeling better, because of it, but I'm not really sure. A very kind person has generously offered to give me a massage, every-other-week, for free. I have taken him up on his offer.

I have tried painting again. I have stopped. I colored my hair. It turned out better than the paintings. I still spend way too much time on the Internet - specifically, Facebook, but the constant re-tinkering of the program has grown tiresome. I have finally started to feel embarrassed by the amount of over-posting that I do. I know I post because I feel lonely and anxious and am desperate to connect with somebody. Perhaps it is the same thing with this blog.

I treated myself to a day at Ojo Caliente, the hot-springs-and-mineral-baths, about 40 miles away. I think it did me some good. A pesky wound on my ankle is finally healing. I've had it for nearly two months. And, the minerals in the water, combined with the sunshine improved my hair color.

I wonder if the "inspiration" I am waiting for, will ever arrive? I think I am waiting to become another person. Perhaps I need to be at peace with who I am.

Attention Former Employer

Hi there.

I know you've been reading my past blog posts lately and I know you're trying to keep a file, in case another former employee and I decide to sue you. You know we have a case. You see, I can tell what blog posts have been read, and recently, all of my posts pertaining to my tenure with you have been read.

Thing is, I want nothing more to do with you. Lets let bygones be bygones. What happened, happened. I was hired at a terrible time for your management team. I was not trained well.  I was treated to verbal abuse by several employees and was the subject of lies and accusations by other employees who felt threatened by me. Your workplace was unhealthy for me, both mentally and physically. In short, this place was a reminder of everything I hated about Central Pennsylvania - you don't even know you have tremendous problems because they are endemic in your culture.

I have moved on. I have said nothing on this blog that you can use against me - I never mentioned the company name nor the nature of your business. You will fail on your own, due to your own corporate greed and mismanagement.

Ta ta.

Hippie Peer Pressure

 I like New Mexico, so far. I like the hippies and the weather and the scenery. I like the open-mindedness and the free-thinking. But, sometimes what seems like free thinking is just "group think", from another perspective. In this case, the hippie-new age perspective. This is the kind of place where what you do to help the earth is never enough. Sure, you take your glass, plastics and aluminum cans to the recycling center, but why aren't you buying in bulk and using your own containers, in the first place? I try to use my own shopping bags at the grocery store, but "don't you know that hemp is better? It is such a renewable resource. You should really be using hemp bags, Anne".  You need to drink more water, but "it needs to be blessed and put into a separate glass container and prayed over, before you drink it." Because I can no longer eat wheat, I feel a bit of a kinship, but now I won't be cool enough until I stop all dairy (unless it is goat's milk) and avoid all sugars. Must learn to like Stevia. And, try to use coconut milk or soy and honey in my coffee. Ha - that is never going to happen! No honey in coffee - that is a deal-breaker.

What I eat, how I purchase, where I buy, and how I dispose of things are all ripe for judgement from the clucking hippie tongue. In this altitude and climate, what I drive is less a topic of discussion than it would be in a larger metropolis, where it is much easier to get around. The hippies have resigned themselves to 4x4 cars and trucks because so many of the roads are not paved and are rarely plowed in the winter.

I know I am judging them by calling them hippies. Maybe I should just call them "locals", since I am so outnumbered. Perhaps it is just the regional mind-set. Also, I am easily prone to guilt and feel some self-reproach because I am not as self-reliant as they seem to be. They have been really, really nice to me and I don't think I would be ostracized if I never, ever changed my ways to fit into their ideal.  Hippies are much more accepting and mellow (perhaps due to the pot they smoke) than the regimented, uptight conservative Pennsylvanians I encountered. I think I exist somewhere in between these two.