In a Fallow Mood

I think I'm in one of my "fallow" periods - what I call a time of blankness and mental dullness. I feel like I'm waiting for a new inspiration or burst of energy or insight before I can move again. I am writing today's blog, just to keep in practice. Don't expect brilliance.

Time moves much slower, in this town. Time also crawls when one is not working or mentally engaged in a project. Right now, I feel like I could strap a saddle on an iceberg and take it for a brisk ride. Did that image make sense? I'm not sure. Perhaps I'm spending way too much time alone. Perhaps I am scared. I am, after all, in a new place and navigating my way with very limited resources.

Here's what I've been doing to keep busy: Have kept up my singing - going to the bi-weekly jazz jam sessions (but I didn't feel great about my voice or song choices last time) and interspersing that with the "hippie" free jam sessions on alternate weeks. I have started taking walks and hiking in the land behind my house - one of these days I'll make it all the way to the top of the hill in the distance. A couple of days ago, I attended a Shiva Lingum  (sp?) festival at the local ashram and learned a little about Ram Das, Krishna Das and that culture. I am pretty sure that half the town showed up for that festival - hey, free chai! I keep trying to start an Amy Tan book but keep stopping after the 10th page or so. I need a new book. I should join the library. I cook. I eat. I have drastically reduced my sugar intake for the time being. I think I am feeling better, because of it, but I'm not really sure. A very kind person has generously offered to give me a massage, every-other-week, for free. I have taken him up on his offer.

I have tried painting again. I have stopped. I colored my hair. It turned out better than the paintings. I still spend way too much time on the Internet - specifically, Facebook, but the constant re-tinkering of the program has grown tiresome. I have finally started to feel embarrassed by the amount of over-posting that I do. I know I post because I feel lonely and anxious and am desperate to connect with somebody. Perhaps it is the same thing with this blog.

I treated myself to a day at Ojo Caliente, the hot-springs-and-mineral-baths, about 40 miles away. I think it did me some good. A pesky wound on my ankle is finally healing. I've had it for nearly two months. And, the minerals in the water, combined with the sunshine improved my hair color.

I wonder if the "inspiration" I am waiting for, will ever arrive? I think I am waiting to become another person. Perhaps I need to be at peace with who I am.