Saturday Afternoon Church

I have resigned myself to attending Catholic Mass with mother every Saturday at 5pm. But, I am no longer going inside the chapel or whatever they call the room with the stained glass where the service is held. I drive mom to the church and help her to her seat, next to the wall, behind the organist. She moves very slowly, with her walker, and sits throughout the entire service. I tried sitting in the pews but I had no idea when to sit, stand and kneel. I moved to the back so I wouldn't attract attention to myself, but there was a woman who kept glaring at me. How very "Christian" of her. I wondered if she might have been somebody from my high school. Anyhow, now I sit outside, in the hallway, where the service can be heard via a sound system.

I can't stand the music. Boring and uninspired. I'm sure the singing organist is doing the best she can, but I surely don't get any uplifting feeling from the songs. There are 2 priests. One who radiates (in my opinion), kindness, and another who seems like he has a closed heart. The good priest gave a sermon that was very authentic and human and at the end of that mass, I went up to him and shook his hand and said "You are a good man.". I don't know why - I just felt the need to say it. But I did. Of course, this mortified mother (this was when she agreed it was a good idea that I didn't sit next to her during the mass).

Last week, while resting just outside the doors to the chapel, I was, for some reason, focused on the monotone rote proclamations of the congregation, after several of the priest's statements ("and also with you", etc). I wondered if the people were "feeling it", when they said these words or were they just automatic responses like "have a nice day" or "you're welcome"? Just when I was having these thoughts, two little boys made a mad dash through the foyer. They were giggling and wrestling and having a grand time. They pressed the tops of several of the electric candles placed near the door, lighting up unknown prayers for the faithful. Their mortified mother tried to round them up and their very stern grandma took the older boy (maybe 3 years old) by the arm and he screamed "I'm sorry!!! I won't do it again!" as she lead him outside to the parking lot. I wondered if a spanking was on the agenda? Later, she lead him back inside and the two brothers giggled and continued playing.

Surprisingly, the priest's sermon (is that what they call it?) was about brothers and obedience to one's parents. The first son told his father he would do a chore but never did it. The second son said he would not do it, but guilt caused him to change his mind and perform the task. Jesus was the third son, who not only agreed to do the task but followed through and did it. That Jesus - always showing up his brothers.

I felt more inspired watching the little boys tussle and giggle in the foyer, than I did listening to the sermon. Aren't we all spirits having a human experience? Weren't these small children doing what came naturally to them? To me, they were being real and "living in the moment", instead of those inside the chapel, being on autopilot, robotically repeating words that were drilled into them. Their little faces expressed joy and they seemed truly alive. Unlike many who left the mass early, right after eating their wafer. They seemed to be there out of a sense of guilt and duty.

Maybe I'm totally wrong about this and I don't mean to offend anybody but I just don't get it, I suppose. However, mother was very happy after the mass.

Birds, Squirrels and Bunnies

The most peaceful times at the house are when we are watching the creatures in the front yard. Mother has become quite the bird watcher. She keeps a ready supply of birdseed and suet on hand and I go out and fill 3 bird feeders, put a couple of piles of seed on the ground and fill up the suet holder. The squirrels LOVE the suet (a sticky mixture of seed and goo - probably lard or something). They scamper up the tree and balance, upside-down, on the branch, while they take a nibble. Blue jays also love the suet. The bunnies would give an ear, I'm sure, to be able to run up the tree and eat the sweet sticky stuff. But, they get their nutrition from the tasty grass and then chomp some of the seeds off of the ground from either the piles or the droppings from the feeders.

We've seen all kinds of birds: thrushes, "cat birds", woodpeckers, doves, cardinals and blue jays. There are several small ones, too. Chickadees, for sure. Maybe a finch or two. And yesterday, much to mother's delight, we had not one, but two hummingbirds come right up to the front window and hover, looking us both in the eye. I took this to be a very good sign - for, in the Native American tradition (at least according to the deck of 'animal cards'), hummingbirds symbolize joy and love. We sure could use a heaping helping of that in this house!

One more regular visitor that continually delights me is the groundhog! He is about the cutest thing I've ever seen. All chubby and wobbly as he waddles up to the seed pile to have his dinner. He takes a bite and then sits up and his little mouth and cheeks wiggle back and forth as he chews. I squeal with delight whenever I see him and mother disapprovingly says "he's so FAT!!! He's ugly! "How did he get so FAT?" Mother is unrealistically disgusted by fat. Amazing, considering she is no stick figure. Must be something from her upbringing. Her loving words to me often contain the phrase "Oh Anne Louise, I just KNOW you're going to lose 20 pounds this summer!" Wow. And when I say, Mom, I'm fine with how I am, she says "Oh no, you're NOT!" Sigh.

Anyway, back to the animals. There are, supposedly, a family of dear that roam through the lower back yard, but I've been here a month and have yet to see them. Tommy, the plumber, told us to get some cracked corn to throw down and we might get to see them on a more regular basis. Deer are so beautiful. I remember the last time I saw a white-tailed buck chasing a bunny, in front of a big water pipe in Washington state. I took it as a sign and it directed me to to the right spot I needed to be at that moment.

Perhaps the birds, squirrels, bunnies and groundhogs are also giving us a message. Relax, enjoy the scenery, slow down and find joy in the small things of life.

Dreams and Affirmations

I am having a lot of dreams lately. Dreams about people I went to high school with, dreams about working in radio, dreams about reunions and losing jobs. I suppose, being in the old 'hood, I am churning up a lot of memories. Doing a lot of mental work at night - and sleeping many hours. I am glad I can sleep, bed is comfy and room is private.

I worry about my mother, though. Her health is not good and she doesn't sleep well. She turns up the television and radio very loudly (although, she can hear the tiniest noise coming from me and complains...) I am practicing affirmations (I love and approve of myself. I am a vessel for love and kindness - people treat me kindly) And also blessing my mother, encircling her in light and saying "my mother is kind and good - she is always cheerful and fun to be around - My mother is full of praise". This works now and then. Got it from the author Louise Hay.

Practicing other affirmations such as "the right job is coming to me that will use all of my talents in a creative way and pay me good money" and "I am full of energy and vitality. My body feels good and loves to move." I think I actually walked about a mile the other day. I am getting stronger. Still not 100%

And then I go to sleep and dream about high school friends and old jobs.

Love

I need it - I want it.

It is inside of me, I see it everywhere, when I am not too tired. When I am tired, I don't see anything but - frustration. How does that serenity prayer go?

Patience - I need patience with myself. With others. With my mother.

Calmness. I need calmness in my life. I need happiness and joy.

And love. Lots and lots of love.

Too Empathetic

So, I was told today that I better look for another job. After just one week on this new job. ONE WEEK.

I am "too hard on myself". I "want to know all the answers" and I am "too empathetic". It is a very complicated business and I deal with many, many poor people. I suppose I need to act like Patty and Selma from "The Simpsons", who work at the DMV. But, that is just not me. I want to do the best I can to help people.

I need a job where I can do a focused task, with few telephone interruptions, where I can do research (not scientific) and be in the back of the office, not the front. My boss is right. I am the wrong person for this job. But I am broke. And I don't know what to do. I am so sick of looking for work!!! And now, since I started a new position in a new state, I can no longer collect unemployment.

Maybe I'll learn not to care. But I don't want to.