Post Film Festival Invisibility Disorder

The previous blog, entitled 'Invisible' was written following 3 days spent volunteering for the Taos Shortz Film Festival.

Sitting at the Will Call table, talking with film makers and actors from all over the world, I felt insecure and untrained and feeble-tongued. I also felt plain and unsophisticated, by comparison. I spend too much time comparing myself to others. And too much time talking myself out of feeling bad.

The films, however, brightened my mood. My favorite was an entry from Spain, "Nothing, Inc.". Featured a man hired to sit in a chair and do nothing, for 10 hours a day, 6 days a week. He couldn't even get out of the chair to relieve himself. The actor's comedic timing broke language barriers. Got to see more than 40 films in the 3 days. The whole reason for volunteering is to watch the movies for free. I was profoundly impacted by all of that visual stimulation and it affected my dreams for a couple of nights. Should have written them down.

Now back in the day-to-day world of my life, I don't care about being invisible - in fact, I think I prefer it. I have gone back to t'ai chi classes and walks in the back acreage with my dog. In this world, as long as I am healthy, I am happy.

Invisible

I've become the sort of person people look right through.

My thoughts aren't as clear as they once were and my words falter, my tongue stumbles. People's eyes go dead as they look around me for somebody else to talk to.

Having a hard time giving directions or advice when asked. I repeat myself several times. You'll smile at me and wish the conversation was over. I'm becoming one of those feeble-minded women who get passed over.

Thing is, I'm not sure I care much anymore. I no longer have to pretend to be ambitious. No longer feeling like I need to assert myself and 'network'. I don't have anything to prove. I feel some sort of relief now that my singing and speaking voice has lost its power. I don't have to apologize for my lack of ambition.

Middle-aged, round, stammering giant woman. With a dog. Who realizes she won't find love in this lifetime. Who knows her best days are behind her. Who is invisible to most of the world. I'm not crying myself to sleep. There are spots of happiness most days. Keeping my life on an even keel without much stress. My brain fractures with stress and I fall apart.

If I'm noticed, it is because I'm in somebody's way or driving too slow, or annoying them with my dog's barking or pooping. I'm past the age of attraction.

Still I try to be kind, try not to get in the way, try to be invisible. Try to be.