ZZ Top-arokie

Had a total blast last night.

Got inspired to go to the Snoqualmie Casino for Sunday night "Rockarokie" (Karaoke with a live band). When I got there, around 6pm, the parking lots were packed! I figured there must be some kind of concert happening. And, judging by all of the 50 and 60-somethings dressed in tight leather, boots and animal prints, I figured it must be some sort of Classic Rawk band.

Yup, right again. I found a parking space in the nether regions, and went to the bus shelter to wait for the casino shuttle. In the shelter I encountered a well-dressed woman enjoying her cigarette and said to her "guess I picked the wrong night to come to the casino - do you know what band is giving a concert tonight?"

"ZZ Top", she said.

'OH! No wonder there's so much black leather in attendance" I said

"Wanna go? I have an extra ticket." she replied. (!!!)

"SURE!", I exclaimed.

Her name was Terry and she explained to me that the friend who was supposed to join her suddenly got sick and that everyone else had commitments. We both, instantly felt that we were supposed to meet and that it was destiny for me to be her "date" for the night.

I had such fun!

I forgot how many ZZ Top hits I knew, from my KISW and KZOK days. I danced myself silly.

Rock concerts for older people are certainly different from days gone by. First of all, the show started ON TIME at 6PM!!! A 6pm Rock Concert!!!! Must be so the aging band and fans could all get to bed at a decent hour. The music, while loud, was not ear-splitting. The sound, in fact was mixed surprisingly well for an outdoor venue. I thought it sounded a little too good, though. Could not help wondering how much of it was live and how much was recorded. I was thrilled that the band played some Hendrix, as well, proving that they knew more than 3 chords and had some technical prowess. All-in-all, a very good show. A little slick for my tastes, but well done.

Then, Terry and I went to the lounge, where Rockarokie was well underway. Solid musicians were playing backup for some really great guest vocalists last night. Some big surprises - especially the rock-star "Dave" who could sing Janis Joplin like nobody's business and did a knock-your-socks-off version of "Bang Your Head". OMFG. This guy was a total rock god. Wonder who he really is and what his story is??

What did I sing? You're not going to believe it. Barry Manilow's "Copacabana". I know. But, something inside of me INSISTED that I sing it. It was totally in the wrong key for me, so I wound up "acting" most of the lyrics and only singing the choruses. Ah, that Latin beat - my underused hips had an on-stage workout. It felt so good to move, after being so sick for what felt like ages - 2 1/2 months maybe? People kept coming up to me and complimenting me on it. LONG after I had sung it! Amazing. I am always surprised when people say nice things. I crave it but I'm still surprised.

My second tune - The Police's "Every Breath You Take". Once again, channeling my crazy-ass inner stalker and making the song a creepy anthem - especially my wailing bridge. "Since You've gone I've been lost - without a trace / I feel it now I can only see your face / I look around and its you I can't replace / I feel so cold and I long for your embrace / I keep crying, baby...baby...PLEASE....." I got really worked up on that part last night, leaving no one in the audience in any doubt about the song's intentions. It felt great to sing it and I think I got a lot of angst out of my system.

Plus, I made a new friend. I really had fun with Terry! She's a total spitfire of a woman, a mother and grandmother of 6!!! She joined the Army at age 32, and was first married at 16!! (she's had the fortitude to walk down that aisle 3 times) Loved talking to her! Hope to see Terry again soon.

Wonderful surprises can still happen and life can still be great.

Who Knew?

"Beauty" Standards.

Really?

Do you really care that much if I have a little hair on my legs? What does it really matter if my underarms are unshaven? Maybe we should ask why our society considers it normal for women to shave our underarms and legs and for god's sake, groom the hair from our privates??

I think it is for the sake of fashion. If swimming suits covered the areas they were supposed to, we wouldn't need to pay somebody to wax off our pubic hair! It is PAINFUL! Men can use their imaginations to think about our asses. We don't need to moon them with thong bottoms.

Why are women told we must "suffer for beauty"? Who was it who said "beauty is pain", anyway? The phrase existed long before Stanley Tucci uttered it in the film, 'The Devil Wears Prada'. And, somebody please tell me the real reason behind Babe Paley's infamous quote "A woman can never be too rich or too thin". I think it was insecurity. She was already as rich as Solomon and must have been terribly unhappy. So, the only control she could have over others was to starve herself so thin, her clothes would hang over her body like they do on a clothes hanger. No body there - just air.

Did you know that at the turn of the 20th century, the most beautiful woman in America was Sarah Bernhardt? She was a stage actress who was shorter, as all women were, back then. She also weighed in at 200 pounds. Yup - and she was considered the feminine ideal. Men swooned over her and women wanted to be her. Our current standard of beauty is insane. The system of starvation brings billions to the diet industry and keeps mental health professionals busy with self-loathing women seeking professional help. Comedian and social commentary queen, Kathy Griffin says the Hollywood diet is "Red Bull and Cocaine". I bet she's right - Paris Hilton was just arrested again, for cocaine possession.

Smart women who should be using their talents for better reasons are Starving Themselves Stupid.

It is fine if you are naturally thin. It is great to be healthy. But Dear God why do you want your thighs to be the same size as your arms? Why are we being told that this is the height of feminine beauty and the ideal? Because WOMEN WHO ARE STARVING DON'T HAVE THE STRENGTH TO STAND UP AND FIGHT. They want us to sit passively by, and agree to purchase all of the useless products designed to "make us more beautiful". I recently read an article where it was discovered that 100% of all lipstick samples tested by a lab contained LEAD. Read that again - 100% of Lipsticks have POISONOUS LEAD in them. ALL LIPSTICKS CONTAIN POISON. And lipstick gets eaten off, every day.

Do you think lipstick would contain lead if men wore it? Don't think so.

Why aren't men shaving their private parts? Oh wait - they are - "Manscaping". Cruel irony. The waxing industry is having a field day, aren't they? C'mon, I LIKE hairy chests on men. Really, really like them. It is normal and natural. I don't want my man to look like a 12 year old boy. Why do men want women to look like prepubescent girls? Because they fear grown-up women? Because they have to feel domineering, in order to become aroused? I just don't get it.

It was ALWAYS about the music

While I may never fully understand what has happened in the last few months, now that I am feeling a lot better, one thing is certain.

It was ALWAYS about the MUSIC.

His music opened my heart. His music opened my ears and my head and became my inspiration. I wanted to sing again. I wanted to dance again and live again.

These facts are undeniable.

I realized that I am a musician. I am an artist. I have a creative spark that cannot be denied and must be used.

Music and creativity are based in LOVE, when channeled correctly.

My dearest love has always been music and somehow, Music and I will be one, again.

Was I Played for a Fool?

I made $150 today selling books at Powell's. So, I'm spending my last night on the road in a nice hotel - a $134 a night hotel. It has all kinds of amenities, including "free" dinner at check-in and a big morning breakfast, including a waffle bar. Might as well go out in style. Better than last night's Motel 6 with the ugliest bedspreads I've ever seen.

You know, I've lost pretty much everything: one job I loved, one job I tolerated, my apartment, most of my belongings and my sweet kitty, Chester. I also almost lost my life. But, through divine guidance, I was lead to the desert and to a "mold and environmental toxins specialist" in Taos, NM, who told me I had "toxic spore inhalation" and put me on some supplements to clear my lungs. I also had some acupuncture.

As I look on the positive side, I was lead to a mineral/hot spring resort in Utah (helped clear out some toxins) and then, to a wonderful quirky lady, named Nancy, in Angel Fire, NM who put me up for the night when I had no place else to go. She also treated me to a 2-hour horse ride up a muddy trail . Nancy owns a horse riding business. Hope to pay her back one day. I encountered such kindness on my trip, too. Like the lady who took pity on me in the Angel Fire laundromat and just gave me $10. Then there were the friends who unselfishly wired me money so I could keep going and the great friends who put me up for a week in their beautiful home. Thanks to all of you. I owe you a great debt.

What I don't understand is how somebody or some group of people would have taken such pleasure in playing with my heart. My very untested heart. A heart that has never fully given itself to anyone. As I got closer to my "love", the "friends" suddenly fell away. I was lead to believe that one or more of these Facebook "friends" was Gino, the man whose voice cleared my depression and opened me up to singing again. But, as I got closer and closer to my final destination, suddenly their "friendships" became less concrete and more vague. One of the main ones, "Mary", "unfriended" me a few days ago. Apparently, I was questioning things a little too much and taking their game way too seriously.

Everybody told me I was wrong and was being 'played'. I did not want to believe them. There were far too many coincidences. The blue boots I was drawn to were the same pair he owned, the song of mine, "Maple Leaf" that mysteriously appeared in the middle of one of Gino's songs, the fact that "he" knew the correct spelling of all of my mother's relatives last names (when I had no idea). I don't doubt the fact that we may be related - we have the same facial structure and large hands and forearms plus, the first time I saw him as an older adult, I thought he looked just like my grandmother. Also, the neighborhood in Montreal where he lived just happened to have the same name as the only place in Europe, other than Paris, that I've visited. There were other coincidences that I can't remember at the moment. But, perhaps lawyers are correct when they say "circumstantial evidence".

They say that when you go off of antidepressants, as I did, you can experience some bizarre side effects. Well, I've certainly had those. 20-years of pharmaceuticals shut me down, especially sexually. That part of me came alive again, without a doubt. It has also been said that black mold causes hallucinations and psychotic episodes. Since my old landlord refused to test my apartment for mold, I can only go by what the doctor said "toxic (mold) spore inhalation" - may have been black mold. So, my mind believed what it wanted to believe. Plus, I was being lead down the garden path by some very untrustworthy individuals.

There is no doubt, though, that Gino's music is powerful. This was the music that I lived for, in my 20's, and had forgotten about for well over 2 decades. This was the music that emboldened me, so I could brave the crowd in my black spandex pants and sing my heart out night after night. This was the music I played in cassette deck of my 1976 Toyota Corolla SR5 across miles of highways as I traveled from gig to gig.

The only thing that doesn't make any sense to me is how someone could have latched on to something that was so important to my past, in order to make a fool out of me now. Is it because I was on the radio? Did somebody have a vendetta for Avenging Annie? Did someone think it would be fun to toy with the heart of a lonely middle-aged woman? I can't imagine such cruelty. I could never, ever do that to someone else. It must be the generation, raised on shows like "Punk'd", where celebrities are humiliated by that asshole, Ashton Kucher. Perhaps that's the dick wad behind all of this.

Yet, somewhere in my heart, I still want to believe in fairy tales. I still want to believe that this is all true. I still want to believe that a person like me could have a happy ending. A part of me is truly in love with Gino. Maybe it should only be for his music, and maybe that is OK.

What Day is This? Where Am I?

And, why did I start this journey?

Oh yes - because I was deathly ill. It is good to get to a place of relative health, so I can question the reasons for leaving on my journey. Today I am still in Reno, NV with Steve and Michelle. I thought I was going to head West today but my body did not agree. That time of the month, you see. And it hit me HARD. So, I was in bed for most of yesterday and today.

Maybe "the curse" is not so much of a curse, after all. The isolation gives one time to reflect and process one's life. Perhaps that is why there were/are "menstrual huts" in some societies. Our interpretation may be incorrect in assuming that women were sent away by their men, because they were considered "unclean" during their periods. These several days could be seen as a time of meditation and cleansing. And the religious laws forbidding sex during menstruation also might be for the comfort and benefit of women. I had not considered that before.

Apparently there is a movie out, right now, based on that book "Eat, Pray, Love". I never got past the first chapter of the book. I'm sure the movie, with Julia Roberts and the ever-yummy Javier Bardem is entertaining and maybe I'll see it one day. But, not right now. Don't need to see a Hollywood version of what I happen to be going through at the moment. Sans the love. I had an opportunity, if I could have figured out how to flirt, to dance with a hot cowboy named Jack, in Angel Fire. But, I just didn't have the energy or self-confidence to go that route. Most of my attempts at casual liaisons in my life have left me with feelings of remorse. I am wearing an engagement ring and it is a convenient excuse, at the moment.

There was Claudio, though, in Montreal in July of 1983. Claudio - I think I found him on Facebook but I will never contact him. An Italian man. I don't know what hit me. I was at one end of a swimming pool, at the Montreal Sheraton, and he was at the other. Somehow, we swam toward each other. Or, maybe I swam toward him. I was wearing my red, un-sexy one-piece suit that I got, used, from my sister Lisa. I don't know what we said to each other. I don't know how it all started. He was incredibly handsome and looked more like an American football linebacker than an Italian furniture salesman. He had wavy brown hair and beautiful soft brown eyes. We went to the hot tub, which was packed with other Italian tourists. I sat there next to him, against my better judgment. Hot tubs used to make me very, very dizzy due to my heart condition. He came to see me sing at L'entre Temps (the hotel nightclub) that night and then....well, cue the fireworks and rockets. I carried his business card in my wallet for YEARS. I never felt bad about that "liaison". I've been thinking about it a lot, recently.

But, I digress. My little blue car is still sitting outside of Steve and Michelle's. Perhaps I will feel better tomorrow and start up her engine and get back on the road. I am so lucky these two kind souls have let me stay here nearly a week. Plus, I finally got to see my old friend, Verna, who is a very successful (but still not financially successful) fitness instructor. She teaches at the community college, has classes in retirement homes and cancer centers and also holds independent classes, workshops and does personal training. But, even with all of that, she still has to work at a Pier 1 store once a week, to make ends meet. She is so busy. I don't know how she does it all!! We got to spend all of Wednesday together. She took me to a cool "ghost town" that has been all tourist-i-fied, Virginia City. And, then we went to Lake Tahoe. Really beautiful. Verna is such a fantastic woman. Independent and strong and funny and REAL. Love her. It has been way too long since we've seen each other. So glad we reconnected. She loves fitness for the sake of fitness and I don't think she's judgmental, even though she asked me how I put on so much weight. Simple - 20 years of anti-depressants! The pharmaceutical industry has drugs that make you pack on the pounds and then has drugs to make you lose the weight or get rid of its side effects. Perfect system for them, for sure!

If I feel better tomorrow, I'll head out on the road. More to see, more to ponder, and more lessons to learn, I guess.

Angel Fire

I've arrived at my destination. Angel Fire, NM. I was lead here - guided by voices and signs along the way. Thought I would meet the future Mr. Anne Silberman around 7pm on Saturday night by the horse stables, as I had been lead to believe.

But, I showed up and he was nowhere to be found. Turns out he's still in Europe - his CD, "A Good Thing", has just been released in France and he had to promote it. I had no idea, having lost my cell phone on I-90 near Spokane, and my Internet connection disabled a week ago. Nearly penniless, I found myself at a horse stable, owned and operated by a hell-on-wheels fierce spirit named Nancy.

When Nancy and I saw each other again, at the bar of the local skiing resort, she wanted to hear why I showed up at her place, at the same time she found herself at the front gate - by chance. After hearing about my amazing journey to the high desert, she invited me to stay the night at her ranch and join in on a breakfast horseback ride the next morning!

I woke up to the beauty of hot air balloons flying over my head. I'd forgotten how much I used to love those! There I was, standing next to a pen of beautiful horses and adorable llamas, with gloriously colored balloons making their way North, right above me. I wept tears of joy into my coffee cup.

I hadn't ridden a horse since I was 13 or 14, and then, only one time, but I was game. I needed extra assistance mounting the beautiful white mare named Blue (just like my cowboy boots), but once I got up, I took to it pretty well. I did fall off, once, though. Blue got a little stuck in some mud and I felt my saddle tilt to the right. Then BOOM! I went crashing to the soft muddy ground. I wasn't injured, thank goodness, and the hawt ranch hand named Jack and another kind fellow rider helped me back up into the stirrups. Stirrups - funny how that word is mostly used in the gynecologist's office instead of on the range, these days... :D