Love Fest for ME!!!!

My sisters and some great friends put together a Zoom party for me and I was so amazed by the love and the talent my friends shared. So much talent! Once it is officially over, but music starts, please turn it off, after the lounge lizardy "Gangster's Paradise" and before the very recent Silberman Sisters' version of a song. I am on oxygen and was up at 8,000 feet in altitude and at the time had absolutely NO breath or voice control.  Your ears will appreciate it.

Thank you to EVERYBODY for all of your contributions. Gosh I love you!

In Limbo

 My life's in limbo, in more ways than one.

First, of course, I was told I have aggressive, terminal cancer and that I have only a few months to live. That was 2 months ago and I feel about the same, however, my pain medication has been increased. I'm not sure what to do, with this diagnosis. And so, I sit here, create art when I am so inclined, eat, sleep, play with my kitty Purrcy and visit with my sister, Linda. Also, watch movies and TV shows online. The view outside the Western windows is spectacular, with 3 mountains and stark high desert to gaze upon. A bunch of hummingbirds were madly circling the feeder outside of the front window, but that has ended, thanks to one very aggressive Rufus Hummingbird who chases everybody else away. 

My sister and I are also in limbo about our housing situation. We were supposed to move back on to the property where I was living a while back, once the landlady's family moved her to California, but her new home unexpectedly needed emergency repairs to the foundation, and construction seems to be moving much slower than anybody anticipated. So, my current landlady is allowing us to stay here, in a cabin at 8,000 feet in elevation, where I need to be on oxygen. It is a quaint but small living space, for two full-sized tall women. And, my sister has been sleeping on a very uncomfortable futon. So, we wait. Everything is out of our hands.

We wanted to consolidate and move our belongings that have been in storage, near Albuquerque, for a while now. Unfortunately, that will also have to wait because there are no available and affordable storage units up here - that we can find. And also, the friends who were to help my sister with the move had to back out, due to injuries. It is tough getting old. 

Once Again - I've Decided Against Chemo

 Since the cancer is incurable and the chemo will only stretch out the remaining days, a bit, it is clearly not worth it. I had a vision, upon awaking, yesterday, of endless car trips down to Santa Fe, to sit in a room hooked up to an IV for hours on end. I am only doing "paliative" care - which means making my remaining life as easy as possible with pain killers and anxiety-reducing medication.

So, if you're so inclined, time to reference my earlier blog entitled "A Final Plea", from March 2021 - if anything, I had a couple more months of thinking my health would improve. And it DID improve, because I was no longer breathing the toxic mold spores. I had more energy for a while and was strong enough to drive my truck all the way back to New Mexico. Of course, I could not have done any of this without my sister, Linda's help. As I sit here watching the rain fall out across the mesa, I realize how much I grew to love this place. between 2012 and 2019 - even if it wasn't always easy. I've met so many interesting people. The scenery is striking - barren and lush, simultaneously. 

We just had a big thunderstorm and a close lightnight strike and thunder BOOM. And, I just remembered how much my mother LOVED thunder storms. She'd open up the windows - front and back and just sit and watch nature's show. I think it is my favorite memory of my mother. She used to get all excited and sit in front of the door and squeal with delight with every lightning strike or thunder sound.

Anyway, as it stands now, the prognosis is for 6 months. I hate to be a burden for my sisters.  But as I said on my 60th birthday, this year, I've already lived 20 years past my supposed expiration date. I'll stop writing before I stop making sense. 

6 months, or maybe 2 years.

 If I do nothng, my cancer will kill me in about 6 months. If I do chemotherapy, it MIGHT extend my life for 2 years. This cancer is incurable. I will also lose my hair and be dependent on others to drive me 2 1/2 hours each way to the treatment. The treatment lasts an entire day, and happens once every 3 weeks. It sounds horrible. I don't want chemotherapy. I've never wanted it. Am I a bad person to want my life to end sooner? I know I suffer from depression. This colors my decision. I do not have a family. No childeren or husband or grandchildren, 2 cousins I never see. 2 sisters. One, who is taking the brunt of all of this caregiving, right now. I hate having to make this decision. 

Not Mold After All

I was wrong - again. The tumors still exist at least they do, in the liver. 

I had a biopsy yesterday. They didn't give me enough drugs as I was mostly awake and got to experience the humiliation of the nurse "taping up my breast" so the doctor could poke the needle in the correct location of the tumor. I'm not taking this stage of my "journey" very well. Depression and tears and such - you know what I mean. 

These tumors make no sense. What are they from? How did they occur when just 6 months ago, the cat scan was perfectly clear? What did I do? It is hard not to blame myself. 

More information on July 12th. 

Healing Hz - which one is real?

 You Tube has many meditation music selections - some say 432 Hz is the best, some say 528Hz is best.

Miracle frequencies. Healing frequencies. Sounds the body resonates with. Sounds that make the body whole. I've been listening to a lot of these since the word "terminal" was spoken to me, about my cancer. It is a difficult word to forget. These videos have very calming music, and that, in itself, has to do some good. Do you have any recommendations for me? I could use some help. If we're all made up of vibrating strings (string theory), then these healing frequencies make a lot of sense to me. 

That is all for now.

Terminal

I saw a new oncologist yesterday, who was respectful and reviewed my information and images. And I learned something new. As it turns out, endometrial cancer is terminal. And if that is what this stuff is, growing inside of me, I have about a year to live if I do nothing. If I do one or two of the treatments offered to me, I MIGHT have more time, but it seems that most of the time would be spent going from appointment to appointment, waiting for results, having my hopes raised and then having them dashed. I didn't realize there was no cure for this kind of cancer. 

There is still another CT scan to have, so we can see if the tumors have shrunk since I've gotten away from the mold, and then a biopsy to check and make sure this is endometrial cancer. If not, there might be more hope. If so, I still don't want to endure the agony of the treatment. I mean, to what end? 

That's the latest news from here. No use blathering about with my circular unenlightened thoughts. I'm a human being who has bad news. In the back of my mind I kept some hope alive. I don't feel hopeful today.