Once Again - I've Decided Against Chemo

 Since the cancer is incurable and the chemo will only stretch out the remaining days, a bit, it is clearly not worth it. I had a vision, upon awaking, yesterday, of endless car trips down to Santa Fe, to sit in a room hooked up to an IV for hours on end. I am only doing "paliative" care - which means making my remaining life as easy as possible with pain killers and anxiety-reducing medication.

So, if you're so inclined, time to reference my earlier blog entitled "A Final Plea", from March 2021 - if anything, I had a couple more months of thinking my health would improve. And it DID improve, because I was no longer breathing the toxic mold spores. I had more energy for a while and was strong enough to drive my truck all the way back to New Mexico. Of course, I could not have done any of this without my sister, Linda's help. As I sit here watching the rain fall out across the mesa, I realize how much I grew to love this place. between 2012 and 2019 - even if it wasn't always easy. I've met so many interesting people. The scenery is striking - barren and lush, simultaneously. 

We just had a big thunderstorm and a close lightnight strike and thunder BOOM. And, I just remembered how much my mother LOVED thunder storms. She'd open up the windows - front and back and just sit and watch nature's show. I think it is my favorite memory of my mother. She used to get all excited and sit in front of the door and squeal with delight with every lightning strike or thunder sound.

Anyway, as it stands now, the prognosis is for 6 months. I hate to be a burden for my sisters.  But as I said on my 60th birthday, this year, I've already lived 20 years past my supposed expiration date. I'll stop writing before I stop making sense. 

6 months, or maybe 2 years.

 If I do nothng, my cancer will kill me in about 6 months. If I do chemotherapy, it MIGHT extend my life for 2 years. This cancer is incurable. I will also lose my hair and be dependent on others to drive me 2 1/2 hours each way to the treatment. The treatment lasts an entire day, and happens once every 3 weeks. It sounds horrible. I don't want chemotherapy. I've never wanted it. Am I a bad person to want my life to end sooner? I know I suffer from depression. This colors my decision. I do not have a family. No childeren or husband or grandchildren, 2 cousins I never see. 2 sisters. One, who is taking the brunt of all of this caregiving, right now. I hate having to make this decision. 

Not Mold After All

I was wrong - again. The tumors still exist at least they do, in the liver. 

I had a biopsy yesterday. They didn't give me enough drugs as I was mostly awake and got to experience the humiliation of the nurse "taping up my breast" so the doctor could poke the needle in the correct location of the tumor. I'm not taking this stage of my "journey" very well. Depression and tears and such - you know what I mean. 

These tumors make no sense. What are they from? How did they occur when just 6 months ago, the cat scan was perfectly clear? What did I do? It is hard not to blame myself. 

More information on July 12th.