I Won't Lie

I won't lie. I don't feel great. I sleep a lot, still. While I do feel much, much better than I did while I was living in the moldy apartment, I now have weird aches and pains in my stomach and intestines I cant quite explain. 

I have had one session of "acutonics" - acupressure using sound and tuning forks, since I've been back in New Mexico and have seen my old primary care doctor for a follow up and referral to the cancer center here in New Mexico. I know I'm not out of the woods yet. I would love to have more acupuncture soon. It seems to help.

I don't know whether I am creating this stomach pain, psychosomatically, or if it is cancer or gas. I pushed through a whole lot of fear in the past couple of months and know I was running on adrenaline for several weeks. I'm sure it depleated my system, too. During the past month, I've gone out for a drive and visited a couple of friends. Some very minor grocery shopping, as I'm so anxious in a supermarket I get sweats and stomach distress. One day I bought lunch and drove out to the edge of the mesa and sat looking down 900 feet on to the Rio Grande, flowing through the gorge. 

Mostly, though, I get up around 9am or so, have breakfast, look at my computer, watch a movie or TV show, cuddle with Purrcy and then have a nap, eat a light dinner and passively spend the rest of the day until bedtime. When I feel a little stronger, I look for possible ideas for the Santa Fe-produced radio show "Here and There with Dave Marash". I started volunteering for him a few years ago and it is nice to keep my hand in 'the business'. I've also done some more abstract paintings and drawings. But, mostly I sleep. 

Tomorrow I get my second Covid-19 vaccine and I hope I don't have bad side-effects. It will be nice not to worry about that, on top of the other stuff I've gone through. I wear a cannula and walk around this small house with a hose trailing behind me, because I'm still on oxygen. The altitude is difficult to get used to, again. 

I still think about my friend who became so cruel and rageful towards me. Even after I told him about my 8 new "tumors" in my body, he said "are you through?" and then went on with another 5 paragraph written rant towards me, telling me I was racist and putting his family in danger. I have absolutely no idea what he was talking about. But it still hurts. 

I hope my next blog update will be more optimistic. 2 doctor appointments on June 11th probably won't give me any new answers, but who knows?

Oxygenated

I'm currently living at an altitude at least 8000 feet, possibly 1500 feet higher in elevation than the last time I was in Northern New Mexico. I'm having a difficult time adjusting. I keep getting dizzy and sleepy. When I check my oxygen levels with the little finger meter, it says my O2 levels are at 86 or so. This isn't good. My body needs at LEAST 90% oxygen - and even better if I had at least 94%. 

My sister has a prescription oxygen machine she has been letting me use while up here. I'm wearing it at night, when I sleep, and many times, during the day. And it's helping. I'm sleeping better and waking up more refreshed. The morning bags under my eyes have nearly disappeared! But, many times I find I get woozy during the day and need to wear the cannula (the thing that goes into my nostrils) and trail the cord behind me while doing my daily activities. 

I went 'into town' (what we call it when driving from way out here, into Taos), yesterday, and by the time I returned, I was very dizzy and knew I needed the oxygen ASAP. Is there anyplace I can live that is dry, not too hot, and at a lower altitude? I'm tired of recreating the "Perils of Pauline" with my life. I swear I'm not consciously creating all of this drama. I'm not a whirling dervish, spinning in circles trying to whip up crisis after crisis. There's a TED Talk from a pediatrition, who is convinced that childhood trauma causes an exponentially higher risk for major diseases and illnesses, as adults. And we know I had a shit-ton of that. And look at my recent, health-crisis-ridden life. Here's the video: 

But my sisters were raised by the same woman and have not had nearly the amount of health issues I have had. About 6 weeks ago, after I had been pushed to the edge by not only my latest "cancer" diagnosis, but by an apartment full of mold, a dishonest man who stole my tires and replaced them with bad, nearly bald ones, and an appointment with a male gynecologist/oncologist who I am certain did NOT wear a glove while examining me, AND an argument with my sister, I had a flash of a trauma that had been hidden for decades! A memory of abuse so awful I dug a hole 20 feet deep into my deepest synapses and poured concrete on top. The (hopefully) final piece of childhood trauma my psyche worked hard to protect me from during my waking hours. Since that memory of sexual abuse, I have been much calmer. But I'm sure I have a lot of things to work out in therapy. I hope this recovered piece will stop my littany of surgeries and treatments.

I want to breathe again. I want to be a whole, vital, healthy human being. I want my blog posts to center around a happy life. I want to tell stories of music and dancing and laughter and joy. And kitties and puppies and bunnies and flowers. The stuff that makes life worth living. The breath of life. Or, I'd like to be so engaged in a happy life that I don't feel the need to share everything here. Luckily these writings aren't super popular, so very, very few people would miss them. Until that time comes, I'm glad I have this platform. 

Thanks for reading. 

Alive and Kicking and Back in New Mexico!

 Hello, from a pizza place in the middle of Taos, NM. I'm living about 40 minutes to the North, up at an altitude of 8,000 feet. I'm moving slowly, but can tell the mold is leaving my body, more and more. I actually danced and sang a little bit, this morning! My arms and legs and wrists and ankles are getting thinner and thinner. Mold causes swelling and inflamation an when it happens, it is difficult to discern from typical "edema" or swelling, caused by a slow-pumping heart. Which is what I thought my swelling was from, for many months. 

I just had my first Covid-19 shot and feel fine. Although, according to a Taos local, I am now primed for George Soros and his alien overlords, The Annunaki, to take over my mind and body and turn me into a slave, to do their bidding. Yippee.

It is so great to be back among the wild, anything-goes, lassiez-faire attitudes and colorfully dressed people. They have become my people. I actually missed the smell of patchuli, the preferred hippie fragrance. Spring is just arriving up here, and the shocking green of the young leaves is so dramatic against the grey, rainy skies. The crabapples and cherry blossoms are just now blooming. So beautiful. Finally, spring!

The WiFi has been out for days, and my roving, piggy-back cheap pre-paid cell phone service barely works, where I'm staying, so I'm not sure when I'll be back online. Oh - my sister is with me for a little while - I have rented a small place for 2 months. Linda has already found a job as a manager for a small, super cute and cool market and cafe not too far from Taos. It's been so hard for her, too, during this past year. I'm so glad small miracles are returning. 

Much love, Ansapo