Empathically Yours

One of the side effects of my latest open-heart surgery is that for many months now, I haven't been able to "feel my heart". I may register joy, happiness or anguish in other parts of my body and psyche, but my heart is unaffected. It feels numb. Like there's nothing there. So, I've been wondering if this is the result of having a Dacron aorta and the aortic valve of a pig.

Today, my heart felt something. And it wasn't at all pleasant. For several hours, there was a deep, dark sadness. I was filled with grief and couldn't understand why. I wanted to cry. Perhaps this feeling was due to changing and aging hormones? A few nights ago, I prayed for my heart to open up again. Maybe this was the result? I sat with the feeling for a long while and decided to just "breathe through" the emotions. It was highly unpleasant.

Around 2:30, I got a call from the person who was to relieve me from my shift as an elder caregiver. She was in tears as she told me her dear friend had been found dead, after falling through the ice while on a hike. She needed time to pull herself together so she could come to work.

I had an "ah ha" moment. This was the origin of my pain. I was picking it up from 20 miles away.

I know I am empathic and have had lots of proof, especially being an identical twin. Similarities in thoughts and feelings is second nature. Actually, I have just as many of these occurrences with my younger sister as my twin. Family closeness.

Anyway, it seems the only time I can feel love, since the operation, is when I'm around cats. I have a fondness for the dog I've raised for the past 6 months, but I only seem to feel calmness and warmth when I'm cuddling the cats at the animal shelter. It might be because loving cats was the only safe kind of love, growing up. But, I couldn't say for sure. Soft warm fuzz and purring are awfully comforting.

For an empathetic person, like me, a good question to ask yourself when feeling a strong emotion is "Is this coming from me or am I picking up this feeling from somebody else". Sexual attraction might work like this - that electric jolt between two people. How do emotions travel through the ether and on to the heart of another? Another one of life's great mysteries, I suppose.