Memories of the Present

I am able to effortlessly walk one and a half to two miles at a time these days. Most often, I head out to the local coffee shop, have a cup and daydream while watching the world whiz by outside of the front window. I don't want to jinx anything, but my back is completely free of pain these days. My legs are much stronger as well as my lungs. It is in my nature to totally forget about this past year's health problems. I would like to keep the debilitating and excruciating sciatic nerve pain as a distant memory. Same thing goes for that very lonely week lying flat on my back in a Reno hospital, while blood clots were cleared from my lungs. It all seems like an uncomfortable dream today. I am only reminded of it now and again, and then, I hate to dwell on the memories and don't usually bring them up in conversation.

See, that's the thing about living in the "now". Yesterday and six months ago fade away as I make my life a "day-to-day" life, instead of a "plan and plot for the future" kind of life. For so many years, I was dissatisfied with where I was, always dreaming of a better job and hoping for a more 'successful' life. For a little while, things moved along at the pace I expected but that eventually changed, when I decided to chuck it all and go back to college. I was so hungry to learn and followed my heart instead of my head. After having the life I had rebuilt yanked from under me a couple of years ago, I realized that I was not the one in charge of my circumstances and just decided to let go of the reigns.

What a journey I have traveled. Never thought I would again live in the town where I was raised. But, I am glad I have had the experience of seeing this place as it exists, now, instead of just as an image from a traumatic memory. While I don't know if I will end up here, I think I have been able to work through some memories and make peace with parts of my past. Most surprising to me is how I have been remembered by old friends and classmates. I always felt like an outsider and somewhat ashamed of who I was. But, as it turns out, people's opinions of the teenage Anne were not the same as Anne's opinions. It has made me rethink the narrative I have identified with for years. It is time to create a new story for this new Anne. Perhaps my ability to block out recent health problems can be utilized to erase my version of my past.

I am a survivor and it is time to make some new memories that I, hopefully, won't forget.