Highway to HEALTH

My last blog, "At the Edge", discussed my actions during my sister's recent trip down the rabbit hole because I was the one who had to clean up the mess. I didn't go into details and I'm not going to describe the entire process as I have not worked through all of it yet. I don't know if I ever will.

She says that I am taking the focus away from her and trying to personalize HER experience, because it happened to HER and not to me. Well, unfortunately, our actions always affect others. She will (hopefully) never know what it is like to watch somebody you love move at 100 miles an hour, write on walls (like that guy in the movie "A Beautiful Mind), unpeel the layers of an onion and find lie after lie and discover addictions and illegal behaviors. Most importantly, I hope she never ever has to look directly into the eyes of someone she loves and think she is seeing the person she has always known but realize that nothing is getting through whatever windows and doors her mind has erected, to protect her from horrific memories. Yes, these are my words and interpretations of what happened.

I am not beating myself up for having to call the paramedics to take her to the hospital. It was the only thing I could have done at the time and I'm glad I did it, as I am sure she would have run into the street, torn off her clothes and been hit by a car, at some point. For some reason, she thinks I'm being hard on myself. I'm not. But, I have had a hell of a time these past 2 years and I am praying to God that this was the culmination of everything but it seems that as soon as I get done with one situation, another crisis arises. Now, the self-help books and the New Age philosophers and churches say that we create our own dramas in order to heal from past pains or because we are not living in "Christ Consciousness". Our ego takes over and when we are living right, our life is peaceful. I used to believe that too.

But after all of these experiences - especially this year - My back problems, blood clots, mold and other health issues, the loss of most of my belongings and being homeless - I don't know anymore. Seems I truly can only focus on one day at a time. I think it is natural for the residual of crisis to filter down - it can't be simply washed away. Truth will out, and it will come out in unexpected ways, sometimes.

I need some peace and quiet and to focus on myself. Which is why I'm on a road trip. I am broken and need some repair. Solo travel has always helped. I need it to assist me again. I don't have a final destination on this journey. Only my very modest income is determining how long and how far I travel. So far, my back is behaving well. I have groceries and a sleeping bag and pillow in the car. The rental is pretty gas efficient. Will I go West? South? Not sure at this point. Tomorrow morning the car will tell me which direction to travel.