This is a Singing Telegram

I cannot believe I still remember the words to an annoying singing telegram I used to perform for the Melody-Gram Singing Telegram company of Harrisburg, PA nearly 30 years ago. I Googled the name recently, and it seems there are several Melody-Gram businesses across the US. I kind of doubt they are affiliated with the one I worked for, in the 1980's. But, you never know. In between my stints in road bands, I was an associate at J.C. Penney's, in the men's accessories department, and when I wasn't there, I was carrying helium balloons, silk roses and a little clip-board with the lyrics of the personalized tunes I belted out, acapella, for surprised (and occasionally humiliated) victims - er, recipients.

I probably answered an ad in the Patriot News to get the gig. I remember climbing up a flight of stairs into a tiny office and singing "Happy Birthday" to a rather nerdy-looking man wearing Bermuda shorts, a plaid short-sleeved shirt, black socks and loafers. I got the gig. In fact, for a little while, I was the only employee. To do my job, I wore a black skirt, white blouse (with a ruffled Peter-Pan collar), red suspenders, a red clip-on bow-tie and a bowler hat. I carried a black cane and was also instructed to rouge my cheeks with round red dots. This was called "The Charlie Chaplain costume". My other costume was for the "Bee Gram". Again, I wore a bowler hat but this one had antennae with black ping pong balls suspended on them. I sported a yellow and black striped shirt and put a big black ball on my nose. The "bee grams" were special, because I was required to "buzz" the middle verse of the song, instead of singing it. I had no sense of shame or public humiliation, in those days!

The owner of the company, Rob K., wrote all of his own telegrams. He changed the lyrics to well-known tunes, such as The Can Can or Jada or Danny Boy, to fit the special occasions, most often, birthdays. But, we had customized songs for sweethearts, mothers and fathers day and holidays. If I didn't know the tune, he'd sing it to me until I got it right. Before performing, I'd stop by the little office, in costume, pick up my balloons, the telegram and the customer's name and address and then head out into the city. Luckily, I lived close by and had a car. Once in a while, Rob would drive me to a nighttime job, so I would have a safe escort. I was always surprised that he listened to a police scanner as we traveled down the highway. When it was showtime, I was fearless as I strode into law offices or banquet halls or even on to the stage of a local dinner theater, to sing my songs. The people usually blushed or giggled as I sang. I mean, it is kind of embarrassing now that I think of it. Sometimes I sang into microphones but mostly, it was just a one-on-one or small group gathering.

I think I was paid about $10 or $15 per gig. It helped pay the bills, for sure. Plus, it was fun. And once, I even got to sing for a manager at Penney's, with the entire staff watching. They didn't know I had a second job and were a little stunned. Most didn't know that I was also a singer.

Melody-Gram grew and Rob K. had more ideas for costumes and characters. He went all out and bought a big "Miss Piggy" outfit, complete with full facial mask, purple dress and long-sleeve gloves. I only wore that outfit, once. On the dinner theater stage. I had to hold the mouth open with one hand, so the audience could hear what I was singing to the actor being "honored". Rob ALSO dressed as Miss Piggy sometimes and sang in falsetto. Thankfully, the budding business was growing and several more messengers were hired.

Towards the end of my stint, my sister Linda accompanied me to Rob's house to pick up an extra large bundle of balloons. He and his wife lived in an apartment not too far from the office. As we were leaving, Linda whispered to me, "that's the biggest fire extinguisher I've EVER seen" - as she pointed to the enormous silver canister next to the wall by the front door.

Here are the words to the birthday song, sung to the tune of the Can Can:

This is a singing telegram
To say how glad I am
That you are celebrating I'm relating
Best Wishes on your day of birth
I can't express my mirth
You are so special on this day.

Happy Birthday
One Year Older but don't doubt
Happy Birthday
Time to blow the candles out
Happy Birthday
Cake and ice cream all about
Happy Birthday
you'll have more without a doubt

So just relax and have some fun
The party's just begun
It's time to kick your heels and you will feel
So glad that your birthday once again has come
Its not time to be glum
You are so special on this day!

(and, if it were a "Bee Gram", I had to "buzz" another chorus).

Now, I may have mixed up the lyrics just a little bit - my high school friend, Jill, still remembers the words too, since she also worked for the company. But, just as the business was really taking off, suddenly we all stopped hearing from Rob K. Everybody was perplexed and we had come to depend on the extra money. A few weeks later, we saw his name appear in the Patriot News. Seems he had been caught at the scene of several late-night fires at local churches. He was convicted and sent to prison as a serial arsonist. Not sure what his vendetta was, against organized religion.

I was sorry to see that job end. He was always decent to me, plus, he was the only boss I ever had who gave me a Christmas bonus.