Randy at the Daisy Dukes

I suppose I should have known better - I pulled off of the road to go to a Dairy Queen for lunch (a chocolate Butterfinger Blizzard was calling my name) but instead, wound up at the nondescript building across the way that looked like it might have some "home cookin'". The parking lot was huge and paved with stone. Big enough to fit several tractor trailers, and there was one pulling out of the lot when I got there. I remembered that  my dad said truckers knew where to find good food.. The hand painted sign above the door read "Daisy Dukes" and when I walked in, there was the waitress, wearing the shortest blue jean cut-offs I had seen in a long time and a tight little tank top. "Aaaaaaaaah! THOSE Daisy Dukes", I thought. Her red hair was in braids and she was just so darned friendly when I walked in, that I decided to stay and order lunch.

I had entered a low-rent Hooters.

The most offensive thing about the place was that they encouraged smoking. Ashtrays on every table, so I found a booth behind the fan, so I could breathe some cleaner air. Wasn't  too hard, as I was the only customer in the place. The young waitress got me a Coke and I ordered a Southern staple - 'meat and 3 sides'. The special of the day was either popcorn shrimp or a "chuck wagon" - a deep fried hamburger. I got the shrimp. Once I started eating, I looked around. The walls were decorated with photos of customers. Many of whom were women - wearing their Daisy Dukes - some had on wet t-shirts and others, bikinis. But, these were regular, real women, not the plastic pumped party dolls from Hooters. I even smiled a little as I scanned the pictures. The waitress and I got to talking. She had a long shift ahead of her and wouldn't get home to see her 6-month-old baby until after midnight. I noticed the tattoo above her left breast of a cross and a dragonfly. On her back were a pair of angel wings.

A semi pulled into the lot. A balding trucker with bloodshot eyes entered the restaurant. "Oh no. Hi Randy", she said, with a little bite to her voice. "Hey, baby doll, good to see ya", he replied, as he poked the girl in the stomach. Randy sat a few tables away from me and lit up his cigarette. He nodded his head in my direction and I was glad I was sitting behind the fan. After a couple of minutes, he asked me what I was eating and then if I'd like some company. I said if he put out his cigarette, I wouldn't mind a chat.

Randy stubbed his butt and slid into the booth across from me. It was clear that he'd been driving for many hours and maybe hadn't had a shower in a couple of days. Don't know why I decided to talk to him but he told me that he was hauling a load of some kind of coffee, headed for a Wal-mart. The waitress cautioned me to watch out for Randy, as she poured him a cup of coffee. He said, "hey, wanna hear a joke?" and I figured, what the hell? He grabbed the waitress around her waist as he relayed a very bawdy story about 3 nurses and a dead man with rigor mortis. I laughed and Randy took this as a sign of encouragement to continue with the jokes. But, they got bawdier and "randier" and I started to really lose interest in them.

After I had eaten a few more bites, he started asking questions about me. Was I married? Why was I on the road? Where was I from? Then, things started to turn. WHY had I not married? Was I a virgin? Then, "hey, I LIKE big girls - more fun to play with" (And, as a large woman, I guess he wanted me to know that he was not turned off by my size. Oh joy.) Then, he asked me if I could fill his coffee with cream FROM MY BREASTS. Of course, he used the word, "boobs" - I hate that term. Then he told me that they were awfully firm and high, but if I took off my bra, they'd probably hang down. Through my teeth I said "they will do what they will do" as I ate faster and asked for a to-go container for the rest of my shrimp. As I was standing up and getting ready to slap down some cash for my bill and run out the door, he said "Hey, how big are those things? What is your cup size?" When I left, he called me a "princess" and an asshole.

Is it any wonder I am still single???