Why Do I Get So Mad?

I did it again. Tried not to. Tried to control myself and not be judgmental. Tried to be "tolerant", once again. But, why am I always the one who has to be tolerant? Why, when confronted again and again and again by pomposity and smugness, do I have to turn the other cheek? I know these "opportunities" are thrown in my path for a reason but I am only getting angrier and not more compassionate. I thought I'd change, eventually. But no.

Since I was a very young girl, organized religion has been an extremely hot button for me. It began when I was seven, when I was given that stinking banana popsicle by the ladies in the Church of Christ during Vacation Bible School (a reward for being "saved") and continued a couple of years later when I chastised both the pastor and the youth pastor (at different times) for their hypocritical statements and blatant bribery at Decatur, Illinois' West Side Church of the Nazarene, until just this past Fall at my mother's place of Worship, St. Catherine's in Harrisburg. I have always thought that the church, in all of its denominations and divisions has misrepresented the Word of God. Heck, I had broken it off with God altogether, until July 19 or 20th of 2010 when, in a hilarious move, we made up in front of an ice cream truck in Portland, Oregon. God and I are good now.

But, apparently, organized religion and I have a loooooong way to go.

I did it again today. After a nasty head cold, I finally felt healthy enough to walk to the coffee shop about a mile away. I treated myself to a hot chocolate and sat at a cozy table towards the back, leafing through a big coffee table picture book about Italy. I was happily minding my own business and mentally traveling to Sienna  . The coffee shop was populated by adults, most of whom quickly left when a pack of about 20 college-aged kids started lining up at the counter. I noticed that they were dressed in school colors from a place I was unfamiliar. Couldn't read the emblems on their sweaters. But, I didn't have to. They were polite, thanking the elderly gentleman escorting them for the afternoon excursion. Very quickly, I overheard that this was a Christian group.

"Ah, no wonder they are so well-behaved", I thought. They were awfully perfect looking. 90 percent white - one black kid and one Latina in the bunch. They were quiet and good-natured - for a while. They were kids (a little too Stepford-looking for my taste) so there was laughing and joking. Some of their conversations were introspective and I thought that, "hey, maybe this religion thing has its place after all?"

Well, all it took was one boy to set me off. He started talking about the "burdens of being a Christian" and that, "as Christians, we need to set an example because people are looking to us for guidance..." My face went red hot and all I could see was my own rage.

NO THEY'RE NOT!!! The only people who are looking to you ARE YOU!!! YOU ARE MASTURBATING, you tool!!!! I did not say this.

But, automatically, I stood up and threw on my coat and gloves and said "IDIOTS. IDIOTS. WHEN WILL YOU PEOPLE REALIZE THAT RELIGION IS THE ANTI-CHRIST?????" I stormed out and slammed the door behind me, without even thinking.

I am sure they prayed for my soul afterwards. Well, at least I hope they did. You see, I feel guilty for my reaction (or over-reaction). I keep trying to live and let live. Since I have been back in Pennsylvania, I have happened upon many devout people and religion has been a major topic of discussion at the house where I am staying (not my mother's). I keep trying. Is it just a numbers' game? There are so many more of them and only one of me. Clearly, after 51 years, I am not going to change my mind on this. I have kept my mouth shut for so long about religion. I firmly believe that it is only a means to control people and gain power. As I have said in previous writings, I understand the need for community and connection. Most of the devout people I have spoken with seem filled with love and compassion. But put them in a group setting and I feel outnumbered and get defensive.

Maybe I am supposed to be a hermit and live in a cave?