Real or Imagined

This morning I awoke with a sense of impending doom about my job. Existing on the edge financially, like I do, I tend to worry a lot. The worrying is interspersed with moments of frivolity and happiness but it is always there, like a sinister shiver, waiting to overtake me at any time.

Perhaps I've reached the age where I want to be able to do something well and do it for a long time. Is that called settling down? I'm still learning this new producer job. I am horribly unsure of myself and have been hesitant in conversations with my boss and with the host of the show. I am doing my absolute best - so far and so far I feel under equipped.

I keep thinking that they wished they'd hired someone else. My friend says they won't get rid of me because I'm working for very little money. Except for the pizza job, though, I have always felt insecure in my places of employment. Perhaps it started with radio - watching so many colleagues fired - just for working at a radio station whose music was no longer in fashion. I was sure the ax would all on me at any moment. I hated that feeling and I think I carried it with me wherever I went, after that.

So, I don't know if my current job malaise is real or imagined. Logic tells me it is imagined. But it feels so real.