Heart of the Matter

Well, so much for feeling young.

I need open heart surgery to replace a damaged aortic valve that I've had since birth. It has gotten progressively worse these past few years. Aortic stenosis and aortic insufficiency is what the problem is called.

It had been my fear for most of my life that my chest would be cracked and cranked open so the doctors could perform this operation. It just sounds so PAINFUL. Well, as luck would have it, my avoidance of doctors has finally paid off. There is now a non-invasive procedure for this, which means the operation is done microscopically through an incision in my side. No chest-cranking required. Hooray for procrastination.

I've felt like hammered shit for a few years now. Always tired and very low energy. I've been walking less and less since I can't go more than a block without shortness of breath, dizziness and heaviness in my chest. Why didn't I go to a doctor sooner? Well, I kept conveniently forgetting I had this heart condition, since the doctors always said "it looks fine - come back in 5 years" when I had a check-up. Well, 10 or 12 years has passed since that last report.

I kept blaming myself. Kept saying I was just lazy and that I didn't have any energy because I was just not exercising. Kept thinking I was depressed and that the anti-depressants weren't working.

So much self-loathing. So much wasted time! I can't imagine what it will feel like to have energy and to not be tired all the time.

I meet with the surgeon on Valentines Day, appropriately enough. More tests will happen before the operation.

Now. How am I going to pay for all of this?