Co-Creator Of This Mess

I want to find a way out of this mess I have created. Why am I such a difficult person?

I don't mean to be critical - I just think we should question the status quo. We are all fed so much information. I can't help but wonder who's agenda we are all serving - the rich have gotten so much richer and the poor, so much poorer. Everything is profit driven. The world has been this way for a while, now, but it seems to have gotten so much worse in the past 10 years.

I remember when I worked at KLSY, my co-host, my ex-brother-in-law, was so eager to always go along with whatever crazy-ass market-driven scheme the wacko general manager was cooking up. Like forcing all of the employees to go to a Tony Robbins seminar. I think I was the only employee who refused to go. Just couldn't make myself attend the event (sponsored, of course, by KLSY) and then be subjected to "seminar high". Tony Robbins totally creeps me out. I don't believe a word he says. He's too shiny. I remember telling my ex-brother-in-law that he had no idea what it was like to be me. I am simply unable to fake a personality or pretend to believe in something in order to keep my job. I'm not sure I know who I am, but I sure know who I am NOT.

And, it has cost me dearly in life. I tried for years to be a morning person so that I could get up at 4am and work on the radio. But, I just couldn't. I hated waking up crying every morning. My body was never able to adapt to the morning radio schedule. So, my radio career lagged. But, the careers of most of the people I ever worked with in the industry have also lagged because radio is killing itself. With all of the obtrusive and blaring advertisements and promotions screaming for attention between a few paltry songs, it is a wonder that anybody is listening at all. I think the public has finally become so frustrated that they are tuning out in droves. The hosts of the talk radio show I used to work for are real sponsor whores. It sickens me the way they talk up the client. I know, I know. Commercial radio runs on ad revenue. The sponsor is the boss. Why do I have to keep reminding myself of this?

Why can't I just "straighten up and fly right"? Just get in line behind the happy-faced throngs and get along with everybody? Why do I keep digging myself deeper into this mess I've co-created? The good will of friends can't last forever. I certainly wore out my welcome with my sister.

Is this what it means to be a grown-up? To give in and compromise and get in line and get along? What's the point of living, then?

I think I've been spending way too much time alone and without a job. I need to co-create a solution. Quickly.