Be Here Now

"Be Here Now" - these words keep running through my head. Singer Cyndi Lauper reportedly said them to a man who was recording her concert with her cell phone a couple of years back. She wanted him to live in the moment and enjoy the show.

I have written about living in the present moment before. Recently, I've been having a difficult time with this.. It is as if I'm existing in some sort of bubble and am not able to embrace the life that I have. I feel like I'm "here", but strangely absent at the same time. Perhaps it is better to describe my life as some movie that I am watching. I go for walks or out to the bookstore and feel happy, yet, as soon as I get back home, I want to hide within myself again. I interact with others but am somehow distant. A thin filmy glass shield covers me and I want to break through. Is this the "suffering" that the Buddhists speak of? It is not really painful - just disconcerting.

I have reached again for my books by Eckhart Tolle and Louise Hay, they got me through past periods of ennui and I again  need their wisdom. This life that I have wandered into is mine, yet it feels like someone else's. I wonder sometimes if I am auditioning life, instead of living it. Trying on a new shirt to see if it fits and if not, discarding it for a different size or cut. Living in so many different places in the past couple of years, I have been trying on different lives with different people. I was used to living my own life - in my own space - for so long. But these days, I circumnavigate through the world of others and try not to kick up too much dust. Is this shyness? Is this shame? Perhaps it is a combination of both.

One thing I have learned in the past couple of years is the impermanence of life. I have seen how quickly circumstances can change - due to health or emergency. This show will end, at some point and I need to be here now, and enjoy it. As they say, this too, shall pass.