Wednesday, December 03, 2008

People Sure do a Lot!

I get to talk to interesting, accomplished people in my job. I am amazed at how busy they all are and how they are so organized and prolific.

Just in the past hour, I spoke with an organizational psychology expert who has authored a book about group decisions. I also confirmed an interview with a publishing lawyer, who has authored 12 books on religion, who is an expert witness for trials and who fills in occasionally as a radio talk show host.

The man I book radio interviews for hosts a daily morning radio show (which entails him getting up around 3:30 AM), hosts a national weekend late-night talk show, is the father of 2 teenage boys, and just got his ordination to be an Episcopalian Deacon. And, oh yes, he always reads the books before interviewing the guests.

Another woman I booked on the show has a tour guide company with her husband and has also authored several books.

These successful people travel the world to promote their books and most of them are married with families.

How do they do it?

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Bake Sale!



I miss voting at my old precinct at the elementary school in Maple Leaf. I used to love election day, walking to the school, saying howdy to the old folks who worked at the table and best of all, buying cookies from the bake sale they always hold on election day!

I was amused this morning when somebody from my old neighborhood was interviewed on NPR about voting and they also said they'd miss the bake sale when Washington switches to all mail-in ballots!

Even though I now live in Lake City, I decided to head on down to Sacajawea Elementary School and see what kinds of goodies they had for sale today. OMG! So many things to choose from! I finally settled on 4 chocolate chip cookies and a tiny pumpkin/chocolate bundt cake. The cookies only lasted about 10 minutes but I'm trying to use my willpower and save the cake until later.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Madame DeFarge

In the novel A Tale of Two Cities, the character of Madame DeFarge sits in a chair all day and knits.

This is what my crazy neighbor has been doing these days. Sitting in the kitchen and knitting god knows what. She stays in the same place, inconveniently in front of the sink and next to the dishwasher and knits for hours on end. Now granted, it is better than running down the hall, slamming doors and cussing up a blue streak but it doesn't help when I want to cook or use the dishwasher. She doesn't respond when you speak to her and what seems to work best is to avoid her and wait until she is out of the kitchen before you use it.

Except she doesn't leave!

Well, she left for a few minutes yesterday. When I went outside to take out the garbage, there she was, engaged in a conversation with two City of Seattle cops. They stopped talking when I walked by but I did manage to hear a couple of snippets:

Cop: "....a neighborly dispute"
Crazy neighbor "there was NOTHING neighborly about it"

Hmmm. Who called the cops on whom and what was the dispute? I half expected them to come knocking on my door. Maybe they figured out that SHE was the problem?

Sigh.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

The Death of Shiny Tiny

Hard Drive Failure. To repair, $260. GULP!

Monday, October 13, 2008

A New Post...A New Cute Puppy



Pretty Damned Cute, dontcha think?

Friday, October 10, 2008

Crazy Neighbor

I live in a building with a woman who accuses me of breaking into her apartment at night. Why I would do this, I don't know. She calls me a liar when I deny it.

Back when things were pleasant between us, I would run into her in the hall and she would just stare at me. She has a habit of sneaking up behind me and not saying anything. I am always startled when I turn around because I don't hear her walking up to me.

This morning, when she slammed her door, I had enough. In a little fit of rage I yelled, I wish you'd go back on your medication!

A few minutes later she pounded on my door and told me that her being on medication was none of my business and that if she accused me of the same, she bets I would take her to court. She yelled, "liar, liar, liar" at me when again, I denied going into her apartment.

She started complaining about strange people in my apartment, keeping her up by talking on the phone at all hours into the night.

I know she has an illness. But I don't deserve to live like this. I need my home to be peaceful.

As it turns out, the building manager is out of the country until the end of the month. If she had been there, I would have asked to move into another building that she runs. I'll ask when she gets back.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Just Like That!

I left the apartment at 11:30 this morning to take an express mail package to the drop off place. I decided to walk because it was kind of sunny outside and there was a brisk breeze in the air. After dropping off the package, I continued my walk for what I thought was a few blocks before heading back up the hill to my apartment.

When I got home and looked at the clock, it was 1:00!! An hour and a half had passed. I was sure I had only been gone for about 30 minutes. The walk felt like nothing. Perhaps I had misread the clock when I left. I was starving when I got back and then was so tired I had to nap for an hour!

It was only upon waking that I realized I had walked about 3 miles. I had clocked part of the journey before in my car. No wonder!

Keep on truckin'!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Running Fluffy Puppy



I found this puppy image one day online. It is the cutest, happiest puppy ever! Button nose and black coal eyes on the fluffy white fur. And it looks so happy!

Fleeting Sanity

Oh Well. My "crazy neighbor" is crazy again. It really only lasted 2 days. She started slamming her door and screaming at me through my door, saying pleasant things like: "Fucking Cunt! Stay out of my apartment!!". When she goes downhill, she always accuses me of coming into her apartment at night. I wonder what goes on in that head of hers? Is she schizophrenic? Suffering from dementia? I just don't know.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Good Days

I've actually had 2 good days in a row at this job!

I booked a show for this Saturday night, had a couple of good pre-interviews with potential guests, got a hold of a publicist from a publishing company I've been trying to reach for 2 weeks and finally got a review copy of a book I've been waiting for! I also got to know my neighbor, Tia, who is an avid reader and had lots of potential guest suggestions for me!

Things are looking up.

Maybe it is something in the air. Tonight I bumped into the woman I not-so-affectionately refer to as "my crazy neighbor" - and she was perfectly sane - and pleasant! Her eyes fully focused on me and she called me by name. It was stunning and made me sad. This woman had shaved her head around the same time Brittany Spears did because she got tired of clogging her bathtub drain. Most of the time when I see her in the hallway and say "hi", she glares and stares strait ahead and doesn't say a word. She's been known to lay outside, fully dressed in jeans and a long-sleeved shirt during warm sunny days. She also turns off all the lights in the building and sits in the kitchen for hours on end and stares straight ahead. Clearly, she has a severe mental illness.

The reason I was so sad was because she was so pleasant when she was lucid. I assume she needs to take medication and runs out of it or forgets sometime. But, I don't know all of the reasons. I just wish she was always sane. She even offered me a sugar cookie this evening.

We both need more good days!

Monday, September 15, 2008

Six Dollars!!!???

I just came back from grocery shopping. Went to Trader Joe's for some frozen stuff - now that I have a freezer that works...whoo whoo! Then I stopped at the little farm stand on the way home and bought 2 nectarines and a tomato.

AND PAID $6 FOR THEM!!!!

SIX FREACKIN' DOLLARS!!!

TWO NECTARINES AND ONE TOMATO!!!

Is that reasonable? Am I crazy? WTF???

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Update Your Blog, Anne!

Really, I don't know what to write. I'm enjoying reading everybody else's blog but I don't feel I have all that much to say.

I work from home and listen to the constant hammering and drilling on the condo/apartment complex being built behind my building. It drives me absolutely nuts some days. I spend a good part of the day wearing earplugs to drown out the pounding. I've been averaging 4 to 5 days a week of walking. Yesterday I did a 2 1/2 mile walk, a good part of it uphill. Then, had about a 1/2 mile trek in the dog park with Lisa, Dudley and Abbey.

My laptop is functioning, thank goodness. Had a scare a little while back when I spilled water on it and it cost me a bundle to fix. I really depend on this little machine!

Have been speaking to a lot of publicists and a few authors trying to find guests for the national talk show I work on. Haven't had much luck lately. My boss has booked the past few weekend shows. I am constantly on a search for ideas and guests. And the guests have to be able to handle an interview for 3 hours. God help me. Whose idea was this? Oh yeah, Art Bell's. Thanks, Art.

The weather is changing. It is still sunny and beautiful, surprisingly, but the nights are getting cooler and the darkness is falling earlier. Soon, the clouds and rain and gloom will start. Must get prepared.

And that's all I have to write.

Monday, August 18, 2008

A Day Off

Mondays are my day off from my job.

I don't work 24/7. But I worry 24/7. And I beat myself up almost as much. I'm sure, if you've spent any time with this blog you've already figured that out.

I took the day off from worry today. Had some lunch, did some grocery shopping and finally took myself to see "Sex and the City" (now that it is at the $3 second-run house). I tried "illegal downloading" that movie, in order to save myself the precious $9.50. It was awful. I will never do that again, officer, I swear. I've learned my lesson. Must have been filmed with a tiny camera located inside a baseball hat. Bad colors, sound and worst of all, only the top half of the screen showed for most of the time. A lot of noses and eyes.

"Sex and The City" is a fantasy world where everybody makes enough money to afford $500 pairs of shoes and they all wear designer outfits and nobody has lost their figures well into their 40's. But "bad" things do happen to them, from time to time. And while they go through depressions, they are blissfully short. And these ladies don't beat themselves up for days on end.

There was something wistful seeing the four heroines again. Seeing them compared to 20-something women and listening to them spout their learned wisdom. Yesterday, my sister and I sat with her girlfriend on the porch and we also commented on how "clueless" we were in our 20's. There was a comfort for me, seeing Lisa's friend, unashamed of her Rubenesque body as she sat across the table from me scooping up guacamole with a chip. She had just ridden 35 miles down to the lake and around town on her bike. In a town filled with hills! I was amazed at her energy and bravery and hope she is as comfortable in her skin as she seemed.

It was good to have a day off to contemplate all of this. And not beat myself up for it.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

It Didn't Occur to Me

It didn't even occur to me that tonight's host might want to promote next week's show tonight. I hadn't confirmed that show yet and had to apologize to him. I feel just awful.

I have been doing this job without much direction. When I do get direction, I follow orders and get things done well. But I need a road map. I need some guidance and unless I screw something up and am told, I don't know that I made a mistake. I do NOT like this way of training. Everything is done on the fly. I like being given guidelines and then, after I've learned those, improvise.

Every morning, I awaken to a sinking feeling in my stomach that churns into anxiety. I hope I'm doing the right thing. I hope the books and guests I'm getting please the host and the other producers. I hope the way I've been communicating to publishers and possible guests is correct. So much is unclear. So much is in the air. I think I need a bit more entrepreneurial spirit to excel at this. Perhaps I was meant to be a worker bee and not a queen bee.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Real or Imagined

This morning I awoke with a sense of impending doom about my job. Existing on the edge financially, like I do, I tend to worry a lot. The worrying is interspersed with moments of frivolity and happiness but it is always there, like a sinister shiver, waiting to overtake me at any time.

Perhaps I've reached the age where I want to be able to do something well and do it for a long time. Is that called settling down? I'm still learning this new producer job. I am horribly unsure of myself and have been hesitant in conversations with my boss and with the host of the show. I am doing my absolute best - so far and so far I feel under equipped.

I keep thinking that they wished they'd hired someone else. My friend says they won't get rid of me because I'm working for very little money. Except for the pizza job, though, I have always felt insecure in my places of employment. Perhaps it started with radio - watching so many colleagues fired - just for working at a radio station whose music was no longer in fashion. I was sure the ax would all on me at any moment. I hated that feeling and I think I carried it with me wherever I went, after that.

So, I don't know if my current job malaise is real or imagined. Logic tells me it is imagined. But it feels so real.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Aimless Driving

I inherited my love of the open road from my father.

After his last divorce, he got rid of the employment agencies he owned, moved to Florida and bought his own Kenworth Semi-truck. He leased to North American trucking and put thousands upon thousands of miles on his rig, driving back and forth across the country. When he quit doing that, he got a VW camper bus and drove back and forth. Dad loved to drive.

And so do I. But, with these ungodly gas prices, I haven't been able to take as many road trips as I'd like.

Today, though, I desperately needed the sound of the tires on pavement and the feeling of movement. It calms me down. Eases my anxiety and cures my restlessness.

I thought I was just going to pop into the neighborhood Starbucks drive-in for an iced Americano. But then, I just kept on driving. Got onto the freeway and headed south. Drove past downtown, past the airport and past the county line. Made it 62 miles before I turned the car around and headed home, with a much lighter dispositon and gas tank. I didn't mind the stop-and-go gridlock as I drove back North. I gazed at the passing scenery and waved at the black dogs in the backs of pick-up trucks. Read and re-read the bumper stickers (Real men love Jesus) and the back of the Allied Van Lines truck.

This is such a weird phase in my life. Making just enough money to get by, as long as I can put my college loans on hold. Stressing out about my part time job and whether I am living up to expectations. Liking working at home and hating it as well. Almost past child-bearing age. Pretty sure I'll never get married. Not sure I'll ever be able to make enough money to afford a better apartment - one with its own kitchen where I can have another kitty!

Drive drive drive drive.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Having a Bad Day

I got my hair cut for free today. I got it colored it for free last Thursday. Both procedures were done at a swanky downtown salon in their advanced training class. The services are free because you take what they give you and you can't have your hair done the way you want it.

My hair is now chocolate brown and has been cut in a short "bob" style. Even after I asked the student stylist not to cut it in a "bob", she still cut it that way. I feel really, really ugly. Walking around Downtown in second-hand clothes with a crappy haircut didn't do much for my ego.

After a stinky bus ride to my sister's, even sweet Dudley couldn't perk me up. He tried but looked mostly concerned at my droopy face.

Then, I got a nasty email from the prima donna talk show host for whom I'm trying to produce a show. I think I'm all wrong for this job. I don't have a thick skin and am not a pushy person. This isn't very helpful for this position.

Feeling like crawling under the covers for the rest of the day.

Update:

Maybe I should have. After I wrote that, I locked myself out of my apartment and my sister had to come over with the keys.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Goodbye Naproxin!

Today is the second day in a row I have not taken an Allieve pain pill. I have been on them since April. They were the third line of pain defense for me. First was Oxycodin, second came Vicadin and finally, Naproxin or Allieve, as the brand name is called.

When your chest is cranked open, it takes a long time for it to heal. It is now mid-July and while I still feel a little muscle soreness, it is mostly tolerable. Hooray!

I am hoping I'll have a bit more energy now that I'm off the drug. And, maybe a bit more ambition. Sometimes I feel like the laziest person alive.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Working at Home

There are plusses and minuses to telecommuting.

Plusses include working on my own schedule, working in my sloppiest t-shirt and shorts, and not having to waste gas commuting. And a big plus: no office politics.

Minuses include loneliness, lack of inspiration and sometimes overworking.

I'm not sure I like it all the time.

But, when I think of my last two office jobs - working for the crazy Nikki at the UW and working in the registrar's office at UNCG, telecommuting is a big step up.

Friday, July 04, 2008

2 Miles a Day!!

I am walking a lot these days. Just a few months after my open heart surgery, I am up to 2 miles a day when I go out walking! I'm graduating from cardiac rehab class on Wednesday. It has been a great thing. Built my confidence in exercise.

Today I walked all the way through the big dog park at Magnuson Park as well as all along the path to the boat launch and beyond. And back. I barely feel the stress anymore in my body. My legs and arms are much stronger. For a while they were sore after I completed my trek. Today I walked for almost a solid hour! In cardiac rehab class, they don't stress the distance of your walk. They stress the amount of time you spend exercising. I've been doing very well. This is the main goal I wanted to achieve in the class. I wanted to get back to my habit of walking 3 miles up to 5 days a week.

Looks like I'm almost there!!!

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Is it Safe to Breathe Yet?

Thursdays, as it turns out, is the big deadline stress day at my job.

Thursday is the day all guests have to be booked and confirmed for the following week. By 3pm the schedule goes out to the 500-odd affiliates across the nation so they can promote it to their listeners.

Wednesdays will be my balls-to-the-wall get it done ASAP days. I've interviewed 12 or 14 guests so far, many of them college professors. I've had to cancel guests at the last minute. I've had guests cancel 5 minutes before air-time. I've also had hosts cancel a couple of hours before the show.

I've only been at this job for a few weeks. I hope I can handle the stress!

Must learn how to keep breathing through all of this!

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Hendrix LIVES!

I went for a walk to day on a route I haven't traversed since I left Seattle in 2000. Several streets adjacent to Ravenna Park, up and down rolling hills. I used to cry out "Hendrix, George!" when I strolled past one particular kinda run-down blue gray house. Hendrix and George were two friendly street lovin' kitties who'd run out to grab a bit of my lovin' as I passed by.

Today when I walked by, just for laughs, I cried out "Hendrix! George!" like I used to. Nothing. No sweet kitties running out to the sidewalk. But, 40 minutes later, on my way back, what did I spy but a little Siamese kitty head on the porch! Hendrix, now much older and darker and slower sauntered down the front steps at my cry! We had a good 5 to 10 minutes of scratching and petting and cooing before I headed back to my car. I almost cried as we said good bye, in kitty "blinky-eye" style.

No sign of George.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Young and Restless

They had the TV turned to the Soap Opera - oh, excuse me - Daytime Drama The Young and the Restless in the gym where I've been doing my cardiac rehab.

The sound was off, but the subtitles were on. I haven't watched the show in years but was quickly able to catch up on the story lines. Thought I'd fill you in on the latest happenings, so you can save yourself some time:

1. Victor Newman is marrying the friend of his daughter, Victoria. This has

2. Caused a riff between Victor and Victoria (oooh - clever names)and she hasn't spoken to him in a while.

3. Nick, Victor's son, found out that Victor has another child who is living with Ashley who's no longer with Brad. The kid thinks Brad is her daddy.

4. Ashley is now living in LA

5. Nikki, Victor's former wife (as well as Victoria and Nick's mother) has remarried a guy named Dave.

6. Dave is a compulsive gambler who's about to waste his fortune on a poker turnament in Las Vegas.

7. Paul Williams is concerned for Dave

8. And I'm concerned that Paul Williams is still on this show!

9. Jill Abbott is still bitchy and is now in cahoots with......wait for it......

10 Katherine Chancellor, who is STILL on the show. What is this broad, like 90 years old??? Damn! Way to keep a job, girl!

11. Katherine and Jill fight about who gets to tell Nikki that Victor is remarrying.

12. Katherine wins BUT is sorely disappointed to find out that Nikki already knows and worst yet - doesn't care!

There.

Now you don't have to sit in front of the TV (CBS 11 am Pacific Time)in order to catch up with these folks. I might tune in in another year and see if Katherine Chancellor's still hanging around.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

One of THEM

I've been part of the EVIL EMPIRE for a while now and didn't even realize it!

Since September, I've had an email account at the company where I have my part-time producer job and didn't even realize it. Actually, as I think back, I believe I remember learning about this account and not being able to log into it. So, I forgot about it.

I'm so glad I did!

I was finally reminded of the account and learned how to log into it from my boss' boss. And when I got into it, the mailbox was filled with - hmmm, how do I put it - Corporate BULLSHIT!!!

Memos from the company CEO and CFO and telling us what good employees we all are and how proud we should be of our great and glorious company. Surveys from HR asking us how they are doing. On memorial day we were reminded that brave men and women fought for our freedoms. Christmas time brought a flashy email from the CEO that was, essentially, a coast-to-coast trek across the land listening to the annoying radio jingles and bumpers that I used to help create. It sounds like noise and garbage to me now.

It has been nearly 8 years since I've had to read corporate emails and these make me a little queasy. Especially since I'm working for radio's Evil Empire!

Ignorance really is bliss!

Saturday, May 31, 2008

The Dog I Love

Since I've added photos of Dudley, world's cutest dog, to the blog, I figured I'd write an ode to my Dudders.

He's a Lhasa Apso with maybe a little Shi-Tzu thrown in. But he's not a tiny dog. About 27 pounds at last check. And his hair grows way too fast. I love it when he's all fluffy and furry, with hair between 1 and 2 inches long. It looks scruffy and his paws are little puffy posts. He has a couple extra teeth on the bottom row. Some say that is because he was bred too closely in a "puppy mill" environment. In breeding, I suppose. Well, that kinda makes sense to me. I used to know a human with too many teeth and he could easily have been progeny to an in-bred union.

My sister and I had a friend growing up, Little Jimmy. Jim had weird teeth, too. Too many that more than filled his mouth. In thinking back on his family, they seemed to be of hillbilly stock. Mom lived on nicotine and caffeine and was painfully thin. Sister looked just like her and was always in and out of trouble. Little Jimmy escaped into a fantasy world of Barbra Streisand and Bette Midler. Yes - he was our first gay friend. And wow, what an education he provided! When we got into high school, Jim began discussing his life as a homosexual. I also seem to remember some stint as a male prostitute. But, knowing Jim, it could have been a fantasy career.

During the summers, he hung out with a guy named Dave, who he met while working at Hersheypark. I started hanging out with the two of them and I got a crush on Dave. Silly me, I was too young to figure out that he must have been gay, too. I finally got the hint after I planted a kiss on him one evening and he nearly gagged and told me he was queer. Subtlety wasn't working on me. I was 18. It was at that moment I began developing "gay-dar".

But, I don't have to worry if rambunctious and sweet Dudley is gay or not. It certainly doesn't matter if this little love prefers boy or girl dogs, as long as he prefers ME! When I take him to the dog park, I ONLY have eyes for Dudley! Other pooches pale by comparison. When I visit him at my sister's house, I make her sick with my insistent proclamations of "I LOVE you!!" "I LOVE you!!" over and over. But, I can't help myself. I only want to cuddle and coo when Dudley is around. It is a disease, I suppose. But I hope I never find the cure!

Friday, May 30, 2008

Cannibals and Aliens

Well I'm probably one of only 2 people in the entire world who had to call up a cannibalism expert and let her know she had been upstaged by an alien. This was one of the most difficult things I've had to do, in recent memory. I think open-heart surgery was easier!

I've formed an over-the-phone and email relationship with the woman who's written the definitive guide to cannibalism. She's a delight! I love her! And to have to disappoint her by telling her she'd been preempted by a peeping-Tom alien was heart breaking!

But I think it is just the nature of the job. Maybe the alien will be upstaged by Bigfoot one day. Or a chupacabra will be left by the wayside so we can bring you news of the New World Order.

What have I gotten myself into?

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

New Job

I haven't been blogging because I'm learning a new job. It is good, but a bit stressful. My assistant producer role has expanded. I'm now learning how to find and book guests for the weekend shows. I've contacted publishers, pre-interviewed authors across the Atlantic as well as on this continent and am starting to learn how to negotiate.

That is the hardest of all for me. Negotiation. I understand that if you've been married, you learn how to negotiate and compromise. I've never been good at that. I haven't a clue how to get people to do something they don't want to do. I've never been a good salesperson and persuasion is a skill I don't have. I'm usually the one to cave in first. I have a sneaking suspicion that those who know me well have already figured this out and have taken advantage of this fact for years.

My heart is getting stronger by the day. I am sure of it. I've started the cardiac rehab program at the hospital where I got my operation. Walking on a treadmill and using the "eliptical bike" 2 and soon 3 times a week. Also doing free weights with a group of senior citizens. I am by far the youngest person in the cardiac rehab class. Kind of nice being the youngest again. The few I've talked to had stents put in their arteries to clear out the clogs after a heart attack. I called one man a "pussy"! I've wanted to say that to somebody who only had a stent put in via a vein in the leg, as opposed to the full open heart procedure I had to replace my valve. They have NO IDEA of the pain I've felt!

But, we all lived and are in the process of making our bodies and hearts stronger. I'm able to walk for longer distances before tiring, too. I've made it all the way through the dog park to the lake without stopping. Have done it twice now. The strange thing is my legs are now more exhausted than my trunk. Used to be the other way around. And, I'm feeling more alert after exercise. I've always heard that was the case but it never was with me. Must have been because the oxygen was too busy going to my heart that it forgot about my brain.

So, new job, new heart. New life - new start?

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Coffee Helps!

I haven't been drinking much coffee since last fall. I just felt the need to switch to tea. I'm glad I did. It probably helped my heart.

I've been lowering my caffeine levels to next to nothing for several months now, especially since the valve replacement. But today, I needed the hard stuff. I've been feeling so low - overwhelmed with paperwork plus the post-surgical depression combined to make it very difficult for me to get out of bed. In fact, I didn't get out all day on Sunday!

So, I used all my remaining strength today to cart my computer (aka Shiny Tiny) and supplies and head out to a coffee shop with WiFi. Thank god I did. After 2 cups of Java, I feel Sooooooo much better!! I think I'm going to start drinking a cup a day again. Better than staying in bed all day!!

Saturday, May 03, 2008

I Am Overwhelmed!

I know I am supposed to feel happy and grateful that I survived my difficult ordeal but right now I just feel overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the amount of paperwork I must complete in order to put off my student loans for another year - due to financial hardship, try to get charity assistance for the rest of my medical bills - this time for the anesthesiologist and finally, to see if I can get out of jury duty for the Federal Court - since I am not physically strong enough to withstand 8 hour days etc.

I am patiently waiting for 8 more days until my $122 worth of food stamps get put on my EBT card for this month. Eating the last of my groceries. I am happy that I made it into the "Section 8" lottery of 4000 available slots for housing payments but unhappy that my position is number 2019. I am scared that my part-time job with a better salary but no benefits might work against me with Washington State's Basic Health.

I am switching cardiologists because the one I have cancels his appointments and doesn't return phone calls.

I am also a little overwhelmed by my new duties at my job - I like it but it just seems like too much to think about with all of the other crap going on.

I am supposed to be happy I lived but today I think it might have just been a whole lot easier had I died.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

And I Lived!

Sorry I haven't posted since before my surgery. I know it was a bit suspenseful. I lived! I have a giant, slightly-crescent-shaped scar down the center of my chest but I lived!

My surgeon said my aortic valve was the worst he'd ever seen in his 20 years of doing this operation. Calcification had formed not only inside but outside my valve. It is a wonder I kept going as long as I did. Kids, when you are having heart problems, especially if you are a woman, it does NOT feel like you think it will feel. Sometimes it feels like a bad sinus infection. Sometimes it feels like you are depressed. It does NOT feel like a sharp pain in your chest. They need to get this information out more.

My ordeal was not all butterflies and flowers. But little by little, my life is returning to normal. I can walk about 8 blocks before I get exhausted and sweaty now. I still can't lift much but I went grocery shopping and was able to carry in all of the bags.

I think I was supposed to live because I have something I need to do. Not sure exactly what that is but I am open to suggestions.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

8 Days to Go

My open heart surgery is scheduled for Wednesday, March 12th. And, I have decided to put part of a pig inside of me, instead of a mechanical valve. The surgeon described the new improvements coming down the pike in a couple of years and I decided to put faith in the future and not take blood thinners for the rest of my life.

Recently, I have been grateful that I went back to school and taken all the chances I have these past 8 years. I'm glad I "conveniently forgot" that I had been born with this heart condition. I was able to live life instead of gingerly preserving it. I would have stayed in a job I hated in order to keep the benefits. Sure, I wound up in a mediocre job with crappy benefits but at least I voraciously explored and lived and loved in the years between the jobs. It is about the journey and not the destination.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Joining the Zipper Club

Ah well.

As it turns out, I am not going to have the "minimally invasive" heart surgery. I don't qualify and my lack of insurance doesn't make the necessary pre-surgery tests practical.

So, they will be slicing me down my sternum, inserting a crank-device rib-splitter and ripping open my chest cavity. This has always terrified me. Just the thought. I know I'll be asleep but still. I don't think anything scares me more than this procedure.

I'm trying to get used to the idea, by being as graphic as possible. It still fills me with the willies. They say it is very common. They crank open chests every day and thousands, if not millions of people have had it done. God. When will Star Trek surgery become a reality? Just wave a little wand over me and heal me.

So, now I see the surgeon again at the end of the month, when he will decide if I am well enough to be cut open. Then the date of the procedure will be shortly after that. They say I won't be able to return to work for at least a month. I've already missed nearly a month because I can't talk due to a crappy cold.

Wish I had sick leave and health insurance. Again, I love America.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Heart of the Matter

Well, so much for feeling young.

I need open heart surgery to replace a damaged aortic valve that I've had since birth. It has gotten progressively worse these past few years. Aortic stenosis and aortic insufficiency is what the problem is called.

It had been my fear for most of my life that my chest would be cracked and cranked open so the doctors could perform this operation. It just sounds so PAINFUL. Well, as luck would have it, my avoidance of doctors has finally paid off. There is now a non-invasive procedure for this, which means the operation is done microscopically through an incision in my side. No chest-cranking required. Hooray for procrastination.

I've felt like hammered shit for a few years now. Always tired and very low energy. I've been walking less and less since I can't go more than a block without shortness of breath, dizziness and heaviness in my chest. Why didn't I go to a doctor sooner? Well, I kept conveniently forgetting I had this heart condition, since the doctors always said "it looks fine - come back in 5 years" when I had a check-up. Well, 10 or 12 years has passed since that last report.

I kept blaming myself. Kept saying I was just lazy and that I didn't have any energy because I was just not exercising. Kept thinking I was depressed and that the anti-depressants weren't working.

So much self-loathing. So much wasted time! I can't imagine what it will feel like to have energy and to not be tired all the time.

I meet with the surgeon on Valentines Day, appropriately enough. More tests will happen before the operation.

Now. How am I going to pay for all of this?

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Polling Practice

I feel young!

Yesterday I attended the county's training class for election day poll workers. It was held in the shiny new home for the board of elections on the second floor of an office park building. Nearly the entire floor is an enormous open room lined in glass windows, so anyone can look in and see that there is no mischief going on when votes are counted. We were shuffled off to a conference room in back. There were about 25 people in attendance...and 3 of us were under the age of 50. A couple more were under the age of 60. The majority of the room appeared to be between 70 years old and death. Lots of sweat suits in bright colors with floral appliqués on them.

Anyway, I sat near the back of the room, next to 70-someting Mrs Chow who slept for nearly the entire 4 hour class. (I think she's done this before) We were instructed by two seasoned election officials, Doug and Dave. Doug was very flamboyant and silly and Dave was more serious. The first thing out of their mouths, the BIG rule: ON ELECTION DAY, EVERYONE IS NEUTRAL. NO POLITICAL COMMENTS. OK...got it.

The (very long) 4 hour class instructed us on the operations of elections - the poll books, the types of ballots used (in Washington state, you get your choice of paper ballot (to be fed into an Accu-Vote machine) or electronic computer voting (and there IS a paper trail of the votes - but I don't know how they'd compare it to the actual vote...it might just verify what the machine registered). We learned how to set up the polling place during the day and the proper way to hang the American flag. We also watched a film about dealing with people with disabilities. Very informative and not at all "giggle inducing", as I had secretly hoped.

Everybody in the room appeared very serious about having safe and fair elections. A couple of the old coots even used the phrase "voter disenfranchisement". It seems I wasn't the only voters' rights advocate in attendance! We were shown how to safely and securely transport the ballots at the end of the day and even got to practice on the special locked bags with their red security tags. Even Mrs. Chow woke up for this part.

At least from the polling place side of things, the votes will be secure.

But, I still have a sinking feeling in my stomach. No matter how secure the voting is, they are still counted by the "Black Box" machines. (known as Accu-Vote - made by the Diebold company who has recently changed its name to Premier Voting Systems due to bad press, I guess) We were shown how the memory chips in the machines were sealed and protected and could only be removed at a central location to be counted. But, I still wonder who programmed the chips in the first place?

I don't think being a polling place worker will ease my fears about hacked elections. Perhaps I should just not stress over it and take a nap, like Mrs. Chow.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

ManBearPig

ManBearPig - I'm CEREAL!

These are the words I woke up thinking this morning at 3:50. I wonder why? In the cartoon South Park, a fictitious Al Gore is trying to warn the town of a hideous creature called ManBearPig (1/2 man, 1/2 bear and 1/2 pig) that is a tremendous danger to the community. Only problem is, ManBearPig appears to be more a figment of Al Gore's imagination, as there is no proof that it actually exists. It's supposed to be a metaphor for the global warming problems Gore has brought to the forefront of our society's consciousness and a not-so-subtle criticism of it by the disbelievers who create South Park.

It is now election season. And, as in the past, electronic voting machines are being used to tally the votes. In the New Hampshire primary, something like 80% of all electronic votes were counted by the software of ONE firm. The software is flawed and hasn't been updated, according to reports by Black Box Voting, an electronic voting watchdog group. Days before the primary, I told friends and co-workers that, despite Obama's lead in the polls, Hillary Clinton would win New Hampshire because she had been selected ahead of time by the "powers that be" - be they the 'Bilderberg Group' or the 'Bohemian Grove' crowd or some other 'New World Order' alliance. I was proven correct as her victory defied the lead Obama had going into the voting.

Yet, I still feel like I'm crying "ManBearPig" to the disbelievers. C'mon, I'm CEREAL!

To find out how these elections actually work, this year I'll be employed as a poll worker in the Washington State Primary in February. I'll be taking the ID photos and having voters sign in. I don't know if I'll learn anything about the process I hadn't known before but at least I'll see what things are like on the inside. And maybe find out how the machines work, if I'm lucky.

Really! I'm Cereal!! ManBearPig exists and is a danger to us all!!